All Journal Entries Journals

10:20 PM

Aug 26, 2008 - 0 comments



Panic Attack




forced consent


Support groups




emotional abuse


physical abuse

Andy came home last night and we cuddled and talked until 5 am. I've been having panic attacks associated with my ex-husband since I left him. Sometimes it seems like my PTSD is getting worse, not better. I tried to tell Andy about what I went through, the stuff that I haven't been able to tell anyone yet, but I couldn't. I didn't have to. I think he was able to guess what happened when we got onto a certain topic that, luckily, he's against doing. Thank God!

I keep seeing his face though. Andy said that I was safe. That I would never have to see him again. I told him that's not true. I see him every F****** day. It makes me sick most of the time. Last night, I felt like I was going to throw up from it. I had to sit up in bed, place my head between my knees and I still felt like I was going to throw up and pass out. Eventually I was able to calm down but it took a long time. I just can't get away from it.

We woke up this morning and made breakfast. It was nice. It's always nice with Andy. I am glad that I was able to get away from where I was. I'm glad I found someone who is worth being with. I'd given up on guys completely. After my ex, I dated for a while until I finally deduced that men were mostly abusive, possessive jerks, in one way or another. At least, that was all that I seemed to attract to me. After the last one (Steve, whom I'd known for 9 years,) played his games, I dropped him like a bad habit and swore off men (not forever, but for a long time at least.) I met Andy when I wasn't looking for anyone. Funny how that works. I am happier now than I have ever been. I finally feel like I have found someone who's actually a good person. We've been together for 6 months now and it's the best I think that I have ever felt with someone. I was prepared to go it alone and I was looking forward to it. I don't know how things happened, but I am glad they did.

Anyway, after we ate breakfast, I called another apartment complex. We have an appointment to view three more apts. tomorrow. Then we went to MOA and got a puzzle for us to do. After that, we hit the grocery store to pick up dinner (steak this time - nothing was thawed at the house) and went home and ate. I worked on the border to the puzzle for awhile after Andy went to work.

I'm thinking about finding a forum or site that helps women who've gone through what I have. I don't have any way to get to any live support groups. I'm thinking that maybe it's the next best thing. I'll look for lsg's when we move to Minneapolis.

Post a Comment