Nov 16, 2010
Oh my goodness......This is correspondence between myself and my maternal grandmother. So you would need to start at the bottom and work your way up.
If you actually have the patience to read all of this, then God Bless You! If not, I feel I have at least vented because I feel like I will explode at this point!!!!!
I know you don't know all of the players in these e-mail responses but my goodness. Maybe you don't have to. This is why I have to keep my distance from my family. It is emotionally exhausting being part of this family. It's let's just feel sorry for myself BS. It's all about wanting attention. I just don't want any part of that.
From my grandmother to me (just got this a few minutes ago):
I just want you to know that I love you and I am having such a hard time trying to understand. I wish that I could just throw my arms around you like I did when you were a child, but you are grown up now and you have your own life to live. I just don’t belong there anymore, and I need to face that fact. I will probably cry over this for a long time, because my heart is broken. You were the center of my life when you were born, I got to hold you and love you and be with you to bear with you some of your problems when you grew up and all of the problems that you went through, those were my problems too, because I didn’t want anyone hurting you.
I called your mother last night and told her that I wouldn’t be coming out to her house for Thanksgiving because I want to distance myself from everyone. I don’t belong there. Your daddy’s family has so much love for one another that me coming into the picture is not appropriate.
I will learn to deal with this as I have all of the other things in my life that have caused me great pain. But right now this one hurts me more than you will ever know. I took down the children’s pictures and will put them in my bedroom at home where when the pain has subsided, that I will be able to see them again. You don’t need my now, you have a husband and family and you also have Sergio’s family. They are different than I am and I probably should just take a back seat to everyone. I have lost something that is very dear to me, a family. Something that I would give my life or anything else for. But, I will face it. I feel like I have gone into battle with the Devil for something that is so precious to me, my family, something that I never thought I would ever be without.
But we have some good memories, think of those memories. Think of the good times, think about what you mean to me and to all of your family.
I wish I could see you at Thanksgiving and look at your family together, but I can’t. So, I am telling the Devil now, that He started something within me, that I intend to finish with God on my side. God will tell me when it is time and He will heal all of my hurts. If not on this pathway, He will heal me when I get Home. I don’t want any more hurt or pain along my way, but if I live I can’t avoid it. I just wish that we could come together as a family and try to make things better for everyone combined.
I had asked Sergio to extend my dining room so that in the future could have all of you back over again and cook and eat together and enjoy each other’s company, but I see now that those things won’t happen. Chuckie and Joyce now have their family speaking to them again so they don’t need me anymore either. They have their grandchildren and Chuckie back. I was just someone to take up the void when no one else was there.
I have told you how I feel and I think that this should be the end of it. This is Sergio’s business line and we shouldn’t be taking up space for our talks. Oh, about taking time to call you, my problem is I never know when the right time to call you is, whether you have laid the children down for a nap or what so that is why I wanted to let you call me.
I will forever remember you from the very first day that your mother brought you home until you were married and then when you married Sergio. I’ll remember those days when times were different.
May God give you and your family all that you need in life, I didn’t say all that you want, but may he supply all your needs, may he fill you with lots and lots of love and happiness, and may God find a way to do what is best for everyone. Now what I think is best what He thinks is best. He gives us a path to follow, it might be rugged and there might be a lot of briars along the way, but He will make a way to guide you. The scripture said Jesus is the Light of the World and if we believe that then we will look to his for his guidance in a pathway that seems so dim.
You see Michele, that is one of the things that the Bible says will happen in the last days , families will be divided, look for it in the Bible. It tells us that and we know that some of those things are coming to pass.
We are not supposed to be jealous of one another in this life, nor are we supposed to be envious, but right now that is one of the things that I am facing is being envious of people who have something in their life I don’t have any more.
Goodbye sweetheart, God Bless you and your family.
From me to my grandmother:
Well Mema, I didn’t mean to say anything mean or negative or whatever about Papa or Uncle Ricky. I am also trying to remember where in my e-mail I said anything negative about you or why you would say that if I think back I may think better of you. Hmmmm…I have no idea. I tried really hard to tread lightly but there seems to be no doing that in this family. I tried so hard to be considerate of your feelings. You can’t say anything without someone being offended. God forbid someone have a different opinion than you (meaning “you” respectively). You think I don’t remember how things were when I was little? You think I don’t remember that Papa would go to the store and get us ice cream or candy or whatever?? You think I don’t remember how our (yours and mine) relationship was when I was younger? Of course I do. I remember plenty of times you being there for me; especially considering the relationship I had with my own mother. Can’t say it has gotten much better over the years either. I have the memory of an elephant. Blessing or curse? Not sure. So, I do remember. I also remember Papa always being agitated and sometimes talking to us like we were stupid and should just automatically know whatever it was he was getting onto us about. I remember the good times and the bad. I mentioned Papa’s agitation because I just didn’t want my girls to get their feelings hurt. Simple as that. Maybe you are right. You can’t change people, etc. But my girls are too young to understand someone being ugly to them for no reason. I mean, they don’t have adult minds and can’t reason that; especially because they have NEVER been around that. You spent my entire life explaining Papa to me. The same way you feel defensive and protective of Papa and Ricky, I feel for my own children. So just understand that. From one mother to another, understand that.
I am not sure why you think I have my feelings hurt. The only thing I can think of that hurt my feelings was that when this whole thing happened with Mark, no one in my family ever called to see how me or my girls were doing. Everyone seemed to gravitate towards my parents and Mark. Of course my mom basically recruited everyone too. ****I HAD TO DELETE THIS SENTENCE. CAN'T DISPLAY THAT IN PUBLIC***** But that was a long time ago and luckily, I had Sergio and the support of some close friends. If not for them, I don’t know what I would have done. But I do keep to myself really and don’t have too much to do with family. It seems as though everyone gets to easily offended and there is a viscious cycle of emotional blackmail that goes on. I don’t want any part of that. If something does bother you or you have a concern, and you actually voice it, then you will get chastised and get the silent treatment for years. Well, I was witness to that my whole life with you and my mom. So if I have problems with that, one can hardly blame me. How one deals with conflict is most times a learned behavior. But at least I recognize it. I do recognize it and want to be different. So I will be different with my kids. I won’t hold grudges and I will communicate with them and I won’t make them feel guilty for their existence. Sometimes it’s all about self preservation Mema. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for your own sanity and just for the sake of your kids because you don’t want the same dysfunction for them. It’s not about anyone thinking that they are better or whatever. But no one is perfect, so if you see flaws, then you do your best to correct them for the sake of your children.
I am sorry you took this so out of proportion, but I guess I am not surprised. That is the MO for our family. Just remember that you were invited both for Rachel’s birthday and for Thanksgiving. You declined. I even invited you in December and I am guessing you are declining that invitation as well. Remember that if you are not part of my girls’ lives, you made that decision and not me. So own that. And also remember that keeping in touch is a 2 way street. It is not just my responsibility to come to your house. You can come to mine too. You can call me too. You can e-mail too. That is way too much burden for one person to have to shoulder alone. What I mean by that is just keeping in touch. You have made NO efforts in the area of keeping in touch. None! You can’t spend your life always waiting for someone else. Sometimes when you want something, you have to be the one to make it happen. I have 6 children and my job never ends. It may be different if you lived right around the corner. My husband works so much that he is hardly home. I am w/the kids by myself 99% of the time. So I normally do all of the shuttling of the kids, schooling, laundry, house cleaning, cooking, etc. I also have them in Girls Scouts and have just joined a Homeschool group. It just never ends really. I am not complaining as I LOVE my large family. But having a large family is a lot of work, plain and simple. It takes a lot of my time.
I don’t know what else to say. I wish we could just talked to each other in our family. I wish we were actually allowed to express ourselves and our feelings but it just isn’t allowed, and that is just exhausting. It is exhausting keeping everything in and to yourself all the time.
Take care of yourself Mema. I love you too and will always have a special place in my heart for you as well.
From: Mema (my maternal grandmother)
Oh well, whatever. I sent a check by Sergio for her birthday so I probably won’t be able to come. I remember when you used to come over to my house when you were little and I loved to see you come. But times change and people change so I will accept what you want. I just miss being part of their lives, but Tina doesn’t come over to my house anymore either.
I don’t think that I am offended I just feel hurt. I loved you so when you were little and couldn’t wait to go and get you and bring you home with me. I will always remember those days , many times when we go by Jack-in-the box, I can still hear you saying, “I want to go to Jack in de box. There are many other things that I remember about you. I will keep you in my heart and always say that I love you and will always love you.
When we love people, we love them for who they are. We can’t make them change, although there are many days when I would like to make James over, but that is impossible. I just have to accept him in my life. People come into your life for a reason and that reason may not always be a good one. Sometimes it causes heartache and many tears are shed. I will probably shed a lot over this, but I will get up and go on. I want to keep working until I have been here at least 25 years and then , the Lord willing I will retire and try to help others. That is my goal in life. I sometimes feel that I failed so miserably with my children, I could have done them justice if I had given them up and put them in the Children’s Home in Tennessee, but I didn’t. I kept things together with little or nothing sometimes. At times we only had biscuits and syrup to eat.
As far as coming out to your mother’ s house. I don’t ever go out there unless it is some kind of celebration like father’s day or Thanksgiving. I have been going to Sylvia’s for Christmas but I have to quit that because I don’t belong there.
I feel like just running away somewhere and hiding but that is a coward’s way of doing things.
Here is what I will do, I will send you a great big hug and lots of kisses and let you know that from the bottom of my heart I love you and will always love you. While I am at it, hug all of your babies for me.
You know Michele, when you were sick a lot of times, I saw James sit and hold you and rock you in my wooden rocker until you went to sleep. Sometimes when you were a baby, papa was the only one who could make you happy.
He is different, I know and so is Ricky, but they are both mine and I love them both. Ricky has come so far since he got back from Jail. Some mothers wouldn’t even have their sons around them when they do the things that he did, but I keep thinking of the prodigal son and what his father did when he saw him coming back home. I cried and thanked God for keeping him safe until he could come back to our house. I don’t have much longer on this Earth, but the time I have will be to just keep praying and hoping that the best will come of everything.
We really never get everything in this life and there have been a lot of people that I have loved in my life that I don’t have any more, but when what I will do now is look to my future without being around the girls. But don’t think that I don’t love you or them. I am so glad that Sergio sent me those pictures because at least I get to see them.
In many ways Michele, you are like me. You get your feelings hurt easy. But I want you to think of the times that I was there for you when you needed me and maybe that will make you think much better of me.
God Bless You little lady
I get all of Sergio’s e-mails for business reasons. When he gets really busy, it helps him not to miss anything
Anyway, if you want to see the girls, please just ask me. I’d prefer that so it just takes Sergio out of the equation. I don’t want him to feel “in the middle” so to speak. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call or even send me a quick e-mail. I don’t mind if the girls go over there 2 at a time as long as they won’t be in the way, as long as it isn’t a school day (although you’d probably be working on those days), and as long as you think Papa can handle it. I know Papa gets very nervous and agitated very easily. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that that concerns me. I was around it all my life and kind of “got used to it”, but my girls aren’t used to it. Even Uncle Ricky can say some crazy things at times, things I don’t really want him to say around the girls. Really that is why I like for you to visit them over here. Papa and Uncle Ricky won’t tend to do those things as much at someone else’s house is all I am saying. I hope you are not offended, as that is not my intention. I am just trying to be honest really. So as long as all of the above things are fine, I don’t mind them going while Sergio is there working. But please also remember that when you are in Katy, you can come to my house too. I know you go to my mom’s sometimes, so why not stop by when you are in the area? All I ask is for a phone call. We may have plans or be gone, or have someone sick, etc. There are any number of reasons why I ask for a phone call ahead of time. But most times when you have been in Katy, I don’t find out until after the fact. Maybe sometime you can let me know when you will be in the area and then come by?? Ahhhh, which brings me to my next question. I am sure you will be at my mom’s for Thanksgiving. I would love for you to stop by here for a bit on your way out. You could also visit with the girls then. You haven’t been here in forever and it would be nice for you to come by, even if only for a little while. And you could see my Thanksgiving dinner I hope you can also come over shortly before Christmas too.
Oh and I know you know Rachel’s birthday is Thursday. I am having a little party for her Friday evening at around 6. You are more than welcomed to come if you want to. If not, I totally understand. I know it is a weekday and a heavy traffic day. I know you will be super tired, I would imagine. So again, I understand if you can’t come. But I wanted to extend the invitation anyway. If you could let me know by Wed., I would appreciate it because I will be buying what I need on that day. Would just like a head count.
Anyway, take care Mema. Please let me know about Thanksgiving just so I know whether to expect you or not.
From Mema to Sergio (my husband)
After talking it over with some people about the siding, I decided not to put that siding on the house Sergio, because they have told me that it causes termites and also causes moisture to gather in between the walls which in turn causes mold. With both James and me having problems with breathing, I can’t do that, so let’s just get enough siding to fill in the new part and I think we might save the old siding that we take down from the front, that is on the porch right now to save it and maybe later put in on the screened in porch. Please let me know soon. I will be glad to get things started. I hope that we will be finished by Christmas. I want to get things rearranged in the house to make sure that things will look right. I might just build a platform to put underneath the piano to take the burden off of the floor, so that it won’t cause indenture marks on it.
Remember to ask Michelle if we might could bring two of the girls over at a time, you know for me to visit with. I want to get to know them and be with them as I already love them and want to be around them.