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Looking for better days...And to some degree..I think I found them!

Dec 05, 2010 - 0 comments

I have been a member on medhelp for about 1 year or so now...I've had my share of driving the moderators nuts...I haven't been on here in such a long time...Trying to get better...I am seeing a new therapist...I just met her about 2 weeks ago and she seems to really care and want to help me...The same day that I was scheduled to meet her was the same day I had an appointment to get an HIV test...YES! This test would be stemming from the incident that happened a year ago in August...As everyone told me each and every time I tested it was negative...Like I always said with each test..."This is my last test...and I will be done"....I feel better...I do...But I still have anxiety and I am still dealing with the fear of contracting HIV...New episode being...blood on my car and me touching it and accidentally putting my hands in my mouth and completely not paying attention to whether or not I washed my hands or not....bla bla bla...same old same ole...I thought about it last night...after washing my car earlier that day...and I immediately flipped and burst into tears...I am calm right now...it's still in my mind...but I am trying to believe what I am reading about it being inactive outside of the body and not being able to become active anymore...I don't know what the hell happened to me...I used to be able to believe my test results and not question them or what my doctor says and now...I question it all...well...when it comes to HIV...I just don't understand...I am determined to get better and I know that I will...I just need to know that it will!

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