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Accepting that I don't matter

Dec 07, 2010 - 10 comments

At least I can still have a conversation with myself.  I don't think people really care that I hurt or feel hurt.
I am confused as to why I have allowed others to ...  What does that matter anyway?

I should never have asked for help and should have walked away when it was obvious that it was unavailable.
All I have done is make a fool of myself and been hurt in return.

Today I decide not to engage with others.  Today I refuse to listen to the voice of the inner child.  Today I decide to live my life.  Today I decide that nothing much matters.  Today I accept that I don't matter.

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535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Dec 07, 2010
Of course you do , indeed you do, who are these people ..its your life its a struggle many have battled through, I have read some of your posts helping others, they need you, thats what being here is all about,.Why do you not want to engage with others, I am sure this hard moment in time will pass, in my opinion you are needed to speak out I know of a few you have helped .So stop thinking , take a step back and just be....I am always around if you want to chat ..marg

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by 2salient, Dec 07, 2010
I hear ya! Feel about the same most times, Asking for help or trying to explain what its like living in pain... well its a pain. When I "do" go to the doctors and ask for help they don't really listen, they will write the Rx and they want you gone or they only listen to what they want to hear and give you something that you don't want. What can you do? Nothing but give it sometime and try again.

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by inneedofhelp82, Dec 07, 2010
You know you have always mattered to me and i consider you to be a good friend, you have helped me when i have been so suicidal and you give the greatest advice i have ever received, i understand you are frustrated with your mhs i would be too. You once said to me that withdrawing was part of the problem and why did i always run from everything and that to stay and talk would help, you were right it did. Please do the same for yourself.
I am always here if you need to talk, i haven't been in touch in a while because i know that you don't have the same attachment to me that i had to you so i have had to pull back if you know what i mean, i can't need you or need to talk to you because as you know i talk alot lol and you don't need the extra burden.
So, i am here and you know i understand how you feel i really do, please talk to me you really matter to me, i am always here, your friend, S.

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by Jaquta, Dec 08, 2010
Thanks guys for your feedback and support.  Will update at a later date.

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by deadgamegrrl, Dec 08, 2010
Hi!  I don't really know you but I think your comments on the Fitness forum are very good!  I know how it feels when it seems like no one cares, as I have been in the black hole at times too.  Please hang in there, I would hate for you to go!

-- dgg

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by Jaquta, Dec 09, 2010
I think that perhaps I've been excessively stressed and tired.  I was so emotionally exhausted yesterday that I spent almost the entire day sleeping.  I would have been happy to have spent today there too.

It is hard for me to stand up and let others know that it is not OK for them to treat me like some piece of trash with no feelings.  Is hard to believe that I deserve any better when I feel so worthless.

Interestingly enough, I probably feel most significant when I feel insignificant.  Like standing on a cliff overlooking the sea.  Just a little speck in time.  It can actually feel quite empowering.

People are extremely resilient.  Possibly people don't need others as much as they think they do.  I have always found that once one person leaves there is always another to fill their place.

I probably meant people here, as in here in my life.  My doctor, my health provider, possibly even my family.  People at medhelp are extremely supportive and understanding.  Also very non-judgmental.

Hard moments just seem to blend with each other at the moment.  It is both tedious and exhausting.

That's one thing I haven't been able to do and that is step back.  I'm not even sure what that would feel like at this time.
I think you're right though and that it is about being.  The more I judge something and place a value on it the further away it seems to get.  Like craving support.  The more I feel I need it the harder it is to attain.  I'm sure my thinking is sufficiently messed up regarding that.

I'm not vocal in my life and when I am here it can leave me feeling a little threatened as it leaves little room to hide.

I totally agree.  It can be a pain.  Half the time I feel like I am educating my doctor and health providers and that is one role I never anticipated as a patient.  I don't expect to have to educate these people about specific disorders.
My doctor once said that it was not about him and then promptly started discussing his family.  ??
No one will even write me a script anymore and someone even said, well, ect won't even work.  Not that I would choose that form of treatment but you know it all feels kind of rejecting.
Health professionals seem more interested when you present as an enigma to them.

Time and perseverance, that's good advice.

I consider you a good friend too.  You have helped me a lot too when I have been feeling down.
I think frustrated may be something I was feeling two years ago.  I think I am in denial and having a hard time dealing with the fact that there is no help.  To me that translated into a decent quality life.  The sad thing is that I have never believed in myself and my own ability.  I am probably more able to help myself than these people ever could.
Feel free to e-mail me, etc.  I just feel guilty for being so distant, so uninvolved.  I don't really understand the dynamics all that well.  It is never anything personal though.  You didn't need to pull back if you thought that talking was helping.
I don't think that you're a burden.  I thought that you were carrying your own.  And doing a pretty good job of it too.

It is so much easier offering support than being supported.  Is strange accepting support from others.

I do feel that people here care.  I think that many of us here are extremely compassionate.
I wish I were able to have these conversations with people at home.  People at medhelp seem more real, more grounded and down to earth.  Here I just feel invisible.  It just seems that the worse I feel the further away people wish I were.

It's been a tough week.  It's my brother's birthday today and also my parents wedding anniversary.  My cousin was also killed one year ago tomorrow.  Plus I have my six month check with the dentist next week and that is something I always find stressful.
I think it is easier to be proactive in life without feeling held back by health professionals.  They are the ones I am choosing not to engage with.  Not this week anyway and possibly not next week or the week after.  Maybe it is just a matter of time and space.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and offers of support.  I really appreciate it.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Dec 09, 2010
Time and space and not too much thinking will do it...good luck.. you are a winner ,

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by Jaquta, Dec 10, 2010
I have time, maybe not so much space.  I think perhaps a new lease on life will come after a break (however one can achieve that) from this toxic home environment.  Not too sure how one goes about turning off all the thinking, or negative thinking.

Thanks for the sage advice.

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by whitecat78, Dec 12, 2010
I have no idea why you feel that way about yourself. You seem like a wonderful person and you give good advice. You just need to stop the negative thinking. I think that might be your main problem, but I am not a doctor.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Dec 12, 2010
Exactly, you actually can stop thinking negatively, when you find yourself doing it..stop think of something else , it becomes a habit...'Its impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a negative corresponding thought..the truth is ...our thinking will always create the reality we perceive.'I read that a few years ago in a book called 'Slowing down to the speed of life 'by Richard Carlson ..

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