All Journal Entries Journals

Righting the ship

Dec 08, 2010 - 0 comments

The last couple of months have been a blur.  It's like living a lifetime in a very short period of time.  I was thinking earlier tonight that things still don't feel normal yet. Almost, kind of sort of, but not yet there.  It's really been since last April since things were normal, in the sense that my life had the same rhythm to it that it always had with small blips here and there.  This MS blip has transported me to a whole new life. Like an earthquake, it shook everything up or knocked my ship, called my life, off balance. Some things can be put back together, righted back to a normal balance, but sometimes things change so much, it has to be left behind.
We moved about 5 weeks ago so we are no longer in the house that we had lived for over 12 yrs. The house were I was living when I got my MS dx. It's amazing how 2 miles can make such a world of difference in just about everything.  The stores I go to are different (ie, gas, grocery, Starbucks, etc) so I don't see people I normally see and I see new people I don't normally see.  Heck, even the dogs have a whole new routine now.
I really don't think we would have moved had it not been for the MS. Sounds strange but somehow it's true.  Funny how being dx with a lifelong disease makes you assess what you want out of life and how to go about getting it.  It's been a gift in that way, following my desires in a way that wasn't true before. Now if I am tired but my chores aren't done, I simply go to bed.  There have been times when I had some anxiety about not completing something but I have gotten so much better about just letting it go.
As a consequence though, I am not as reliable as I once was. Trying to be on time, if I am running late, causes too much stress. So my mindset has changed to "I will get there when I get there".  Not that I am chronically late or anything, but if something unexpected happens and makes me delayed or even prevents me from participating, I don't fret about it.
About six weeks ago I was thinking that it would be nice to find a exercise class that was geared to women who wanted to not just exercise their bodies but their minds as well.  Yoga was a possiblity but many of the yoga places around here incorporate heat in their workouts.  Heat, or rather being in a sauna-type room is not what a person with MS needs.  Ahhhh, I thought, how can I find something that will feel right?  It's gotta feel right in every way.
These things tend work themselves out when I am having regular conversations with God.  Please direct me to something that will fill me the way I needed to be filled. And there it was. I bumped into a mother of a classmate of my kids. I told her what I was looking for in passing and she had the answer for me. It's a class geared towards stretching, breathing, controlling the blood flow and relaxing.  It's about a mile from the house, it's free and it's for women only. The lady who instructs it is a former ballerina (she is in her early 50's now) and a breast cancer survivor.  She read some literature and came to believe that by engaging one's spine, nerves, muscles and heart rate in a relaxed way, the outcome can positively benefit people, especially people who are overcoming illnesses.
The classes are held in an auxiliary building of a church; a gym-type setting. There have been as few as three of us there and as many as seven.  We all bring our yoga mats and attempt to mirror the instructor.  She plays a variety of music that sounds exotic (Indian? Monkish? New Age?). Not sure what will come out of her ipod. Earlier this week she played some Christmas music.  You know the Siberian Christmas Canon song with the kids singing in the background?  We all were on our mats stretching in unison and trying to make our arms seem as graceful as the instructors (NOT). But the experience was almost spiritual.  The music was filling and there was something, something very intimate about how we were all moving slowly together and focusing our energy on each movement.
She instructs it five days a week. The most I have been able to attend is three due to other obligations but it is something I am determined to keep up.
I have had several family members and friends ask how I am doing lately. What symptoms do I still have?  That is not a simple answer. I wish I could say that I have no symptoms and that everything is gone, and physically I am back to normal (whatever that means) but, I would be lying.  There are days, many days when I have no symptoms at all, nothing, nada, but there are days (usually morning or evening) when there are odd sensations or a slight tingling (usually on the right side of my body like the arm or foot). Nothing even remotely like I had earlier in the year and nothing that lasts any length of time (more than a few minutes) but still it's more that I want. And to be competely honest with all the stress and changes I have gone through since dx (the kids starting school, the vball drama, the school drama, club season starting, buying/selling and moving), I can hardly expect that it hasn't all had a negative effect on my body's attempt to heal itself. It really wasn't until the last few days that I have gotten into a semi normal routine that bears a slight resemblance to a normal life.
And so that's what I am trying to do now, putting my life back on course. It's not the same route I was on four months ago but it's beginning to flesh itself out to where I can see that I am not being taken over by the current anymore. And yet I am heading into uncharted territory, everything is an unknown.  Thank God I am not alone.

Post a Comment