Dec 13, 2010
WOW! Guess what? I'm on Suboxone. I'm a "poor" patient. I got into this treatment program in the Spring/ Summer of 2008 and I can not keep my appointments. I actually went 8 months without seeing the doc, and of course, all the while, I'm buying methadone as a maintenance to get me by. REASON: My doctor expense is $250.00 a month and my prescription is $390.00 a month. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's two paychecks a Month and I have 3 kids and a Woman depending on me to bring home some bacon. And I'm so bad at bringing home the bacon because I allowed myself to become addicted to Opiates.
I met my Woman in late June of 1994, I was 19 years old. She was prescribed Vicodin for a severe car crash that left her "disabled" (which she denies the "disabled" part to this day). I met her at a bar and she was like no one I ever met. Real wild. She dealt weed and smoked more than anyone I ever met, I was strangely attracted. She has a lot in common with my Dad (not that I'm attracted to him, booo! He was my idol growing up (I'll tell why later)--- but... he was an Opiate addict, mainly Dilaudid). My Dad used to shoot up right in front of me, even have me squeeze his arm. He called the Dilaudid, "Diddy Birds". He used to shoot and when it hit (almost instantly, "The diddy birds are flying" and in minutes he'd be nodding and his pupils were pin dots. I remember him always telling me, "Mike, don't ever do this to yourself, you see what it does to me". Strangely, he was the most confident Man I ever met, he was an anomaly to me growing up. I always "wondered, why is he so social and I'm so shy?" When that nod wore down, he'd go tend the garden and stand in the middle of the street conversing among all the neighbors. And he was ALWAYS the attraction, the comedian, the story teller, everybody liked him. And I just stood back and observed. Attention ALWAYS on him, everywhere we went. It was like I was a ghost in his presence. He was the Man!! He's now clean after 20 years on Methadone!! Totally straight... it's another anomally I need to grasp. "How does he have this will power to just decide to quit his 40 mg Methadone dose in 1 day and I can not possess this?", I wonder. What a blessing he has.
Anyway, back to when I met my girl; we were drinkers, heavy and I rarely never smoked pot until I met her. I was scared of it growing up and when I did try it for the 1st time I was puking and the room was spinning. But, I smoked it to be with her, regardless. She was a Mystery to me as well. She occasionally used to hint at giving me a vicodin, but I knew what my Dad told me about Opiates, so I always insisted, "NO, I don't touch that stuff and I never will". One year later, we have a Baby in late June of 1995. To summarize real quick, She totally stops drinking, wanes herself off of weed AND her meds (Vicodin & Valium). It was incredible. This pregnancy turned her into a complete "square". So, I step up my game and get a better job, make more money, but I'm still coming home every night to a six pack, although I stopped smoking pot too, I continue drinking. By the time My firstborn is a year old, I'm a heavy drinker and I remember coming home one day at lunch so hungover and exhausted. I laid down in bed and my Girl brought me 2 Vicodin ES and a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup. She nurtured me and in less than a half hour, I sprung up and said, "dang girl, I feel like a million bucks". That was my last time ever picking up a drink. However, I traded the drink, for the Opiates. Two years later I'm on oxycontin 40's and able to afford them AND take care of my Family. had such a high income then. I was so motivated by the opiates. The higher I got, the more work I did, the more people I met, the more connections I made, the more money I inhabited. By the Millenium (year 2000) we had been buying our own home, owned 3 vehicles, I had tools you'd die to own, my own business in construction... but... I suddenly felt for the 1st time a withdrawal. After ALL that time, I had NO withdrawal and NEVER even had the thought enter my mind UNTIL an addict explained to me in depth his stories of withdrawal. The very next day, I'm experiencing the same dang thing. Squirting diarrhea, tossing and turning, irritable, cold, clammy, nose runs, it was stupid!!! I decided by 2001 I would try Heroin when I couldn't find any Oxy 80's. Whooaaa.. that was a 1 month ride that took me straight to the Methadone clinic where I frequented for 5 years. And I bought Methadone on the Street to prevent the early morning, daily drives to the clinic for another 2 years after. But by 2008, My life was toppled and Suboxone has been my ticket.
There's much more to the details. Like, I had 2 other kids. All my kids are 3 years apart. My daughter was born in Nov. of 2001 and before my girl found out she was pregnant, she was already through with my behavior. I've been battling since 2001 not only recovery from drugs but trying to get my Family in order too. I sacrificed EVERYTHING.
So, here, today, I'm breaking free from drugs but my girl broke free from me. And to be honest, She was all I ever cared about in the 1st place.
Like I said, I was shy as a kid. I was also as a young adult. I thought she liked me with more confidence, more boldness, more Manliness. I was wrong. She liked the real Michael. But I question if she ever really knew the REAL Michael. I've been intoxicated ever since the 1st date. And now I'm humble, giving to the poor (even though I'm poor), relaxed, and I'm a target for why her Life *****. So, I sometimes get angry and fight like the old days, but I really have my anger in check. I'm 35 years old now.
My priorities are a lot different being a recovering addict. I think I may be a sex addict too, but she doesn't know that. I have this problem, I obsess over anything I like. To the point of perfection. That's how I treated my drug addiction, I loved it so much, I felt I could never die, no matter how many OC's I took. At my peak, I took 8-10 80's a day with 10-20 Valium 10's to top it off. I felt I would become the Master of drug abuse. If I mastered anything at all, I truly feel I mastered the art of taking quantities of drugs to the limit and NOT passing out. It's strange. I think my body chemistry is messed up or God-like. Or, it could be mind over matter. I have a STRONG belief in mind over matter, and once I acknowledge anything.. BOOM! The mind over matter either works or it don't, depending on my current FAITH or belief in myself. Self Esteem is Soooo Crucial in recovery, I can't stress it enough. Picturing everything in your head the way YOU want it to turn out is Also "the key".
I'd like you to trust me, but you gotta find it yourself. I've read so many self help, occult, Wiccan, inspirational, Christian books, Buddhism, Free Masonry/ Rosicrucian books that I'm all too well versed in the alchemy of the soul and the Greek myths in relation to consciousness that it's depressing to me that people "forget" their inner Christ. Depressing because I can harness all this power (Will Power) but won't because I want approval from the Mother of my kids first. And I lack the faith that She's going to be waiting on me when I am finally clean, sober, financially secure. Because at this point, I give her every penny I get, from Wherever I get it. I sacrifice a lot. But it's time for a resurrection. With no mercy, I declare: Good riddance Drugs! Hello Positive Mental and Physical Health. Amen, Love to all who are suffering! Michael
p.s. Favorite Authors: Napolean Hill and Dr. Matthew Fox (New Thought Christian Authors), THE IMMORTAL series by J.J. Dewey, Drunvalo Melchizedek (Sacred Geometry and the Flower of Life), Carlos Castaneda, Don Miguel Ruiz (excellent for relationships "The Mastery of Love"), Chris King, Mantak Chia, Dr. Joseph Murphy and Dr. Robert B. Stone (The Power of Miracle Metaphysics). Terrence McKenna, Dr. Stanislov Grof, The Emerald Tablets of Thoth, William Cooper's "Behold a Pale Horse" and of course countless others.
p.s.s. Favorite Musicians? John Lennon and Ozzy Osbourne