Jan 03, 2011
I was very suprised by my ability to wake up this morning and get to school. I though 5 sleeping pills would have destroyed today, but was wrong. That's encouraging.
Not an easy day, often felt down and as if I was dissociating. Want to comment that my dreams are becoming increasingly vivid over the past couple of weeks. Very nearly had a lucid, actually.
Dissociated a bit today, couldn't tell what was a dream and what was real, but it was very brief.
Not in the right state of mind for lucid dreaming. Very bad idea I think.
Here's what I wrote in my phone thought tracker today :
8:41am "Crazy ward thoughts are beginning to penetrate regular waking life (bus to school). It might be time to leave soon whilst I still can. Sh*t I'm getting f*cking paranoid"
11:50am "It is hard to understand the effect that the concept of hospitalisation has on me. I merely read the word 'hospital' in a different context in the book I am reading and instantly felt very uneasy and nauseated. I really don't understand this!"
I feel my sanity crumbling and it scares the sh*t out of me, really. Same routine tonight.