Jan 12, 2008
Today marks one month since the loss of my sweet sister.
As was mentioned in my journal, her inability to cope with her rheumatoid arthritis, aches, pains and sadness caused her to abuse medications, which finally took her life at the young age of 47.
Many of you read this post and offered precious condolescences which I will treasure in my heart forever.
I am asking a small favor of you, my new friends. Spend a brief moment and meditate on why we share on this website. What do we share with others on this site? We give and take willingly and hopefully something that we share will help save someone else's life. Meditate on how, what we do every day will effect someone else's life, either positively or negatively.
Yesterday afternoon I decided to drop by my brother's house on the way home from work. I did tell my husband I "may" visit my brother. Since the death of our sister, my brother, little sister and I have gotten alot closer than before. We started to take a little more stock on our own mortality. We tend to take care of each other a little more than before.
Well, I was only "out of pocket" visiting my brother for a few hours. My cell phone had run out of juice. In the past, I could go for perhaps a couple of days before I would talk to a member of my family. However, things have changed drastically. In the few short hours I was visiting my brother, as I was charging my phone, my mother, father, little sister, daughter, son, EVERYONE began to completely go "berserk". They had tried to call me at work. I wasn't there. They called my cell phone. It was off. No one knew where I was...(but my brother). By the time my phone charged, I had 9 frantic messages on my phone.
My mother was in tears. My father - tears. They thought the worst had happened. They had known about my addiction. They also knew that I had said I was not taking Vicodin any longer. The pain of their loss less than a month ago is too fresh in everyone's minds.
How selfish of me to not call. I had told my husband that I might go to my brothers. It had never bothered anyone before if they couldn't reach me for a few hours.
I cannot and will not put myself in a situation to ever put them through another loss. Time and unforseen occurences befall us all. We cannot help some things. But I DO have the power not to selfishly put pills in my body that will cut my life short. That will cause me to have less time with my children and less with my parents and siblings.
I really want to stay strong. This is one of the hardest things I have had to do. It is truly a battle. Even though I am feeling strong and confident about my 9 days off of Vicodin, that craving will always be there, I think. The cues and triggers will pop up often and will make me want to numb my senses. That is "Life".
I am incredibly grateful to you who have been so helpful through my tapering and withdrawals. Through the loss of my sister and the gaining of an unequivocal amount of self esteem to help me stop this downward spiral of drug abuse.
Love and respect to you who are fighting this fight with me.
Don't give up. We can make it together.