Jan 27, 2011
I just had the thought, If I were beautiful, I'd have a boyfriend, and it made me wonder, just where along the line did I become dependent on someone else to validate my beauty? When does this line end? If I don't let anyone alter my opinions, or who I think I am, where did this come from? When will I be able to look in the mirror and think, I am beautiful, without any doubt or needing any justification from someone else? When will I realize, fully realize, that my social status, or what other people think, has nothing to do with beauty? All of the other opinions that I have are only altered by someone else when they counter it with fact. Where are there any supporting facts on whether someone's ugly or beautiful when both are just based on opinion and perception? And on this note, why do I believe someone when they say I'm ugly, but not when they say I'm beautiful? Why is ugly the truth, while beauty is a lie?
Is this part of being a teenager? Will I grow out of it? Was it caused by the fact that while growing up, I was told I was ugly so frequently that it was molded into truth in my mind, and now pretty can't be a truth while ugly is? Is the damage already done, will pretty never replace ugly in my head, is there any way to fix this? Every time I see a commercial or a drawing of what is considered beauty, is this 'truth' buried deeper into my subconscious? Will I ever be able to watch a movie or a show with a woman in it who is considered beautiful without comparing myself and believing that they are beautiful, while I am not?
I just don't know.