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January 31, 2011 (Doing good only to suffer)

Jan 31, 2011 - 3 comments

I tired so hard to be in a good mood to be supportive for someone else you needed it and now it has left me depressed and full of anxiety. What if I fail school (this has never happened ever), What if I die and no one remember a sad scared artist, What if my beliefs are wrong and I am damned, What if I never find a lover, What if I go crazy, and it just goes on the repetitive bad thoughts I feel as though I got nothing done today. I feel that there is no hope. I dont' mean to be a monster but I cannot help it.

Then I take a deep breathe and I try to find something I can do Something that will set me free from this worry but I dont have any drive all I want to do are things that get me no where perhaps I will put on some music and just go crazy at a art program.

The thought it have you ever tryed to be there for other and then felt drained but what if you where the cause of there need to have someone then it would be your resposibilty right but now I just feel a bit on the crazy side.

In good news I have a nice hot cup of chamomile tea here to drink. We are still just barely balancing on the edge but if  everything works out well make it. All we need to do is be able to make it though next month's bills. I just need a little more hope and ill be better

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203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Jan 31, 2011
Chamomile tea is good. :) Very relaxing.  I hope you don't mind me writing. I saw your journal.
I understand what you're saying about trying to be there for someone and feeling drained. I think we have to be careful of a few things. We have to be careful not to depend on another for our happiness or allow someone else to do the same with us. We each are responsible for our own happiness. No one can MAKE us feel a certain way, whether it's happy, sad, angry. It's our own emotions and how we react to something but we own them and can control them and not be helpless to someone else controlling them. Does that make sense? This is something I've been working on myself, as I tend to be a people pleaser, don't like fighting, etc. But I've learned who are the real friends and loved ones in my life who truly care about me and it's the ones who have seen the good and the bad and still accept and love me.

You have to protect yourself too. If someone is draining you then you should step back and consider things. I had a family member who was this way for a few years. She would call me (usually after drinking) and cry and go over her past and all her hurts over and over. It was always the same conversation and I would comfort, reassure, tell her it was time to let go of the past and move forward because it was dragging her down (and me!) but she wouldn't. And I would get off the phone feeling drained. I finally had to stop the phone conversations for awhile. I loved this family member but there was nothing more I could say that I hadn't already said and I couldn't fix things, only she could. All I could do is pray and love this person.

As for all the what if's, you can drive yourself crazy with that kind of thinking! I used to be more of a worrier but I feel like God has really been working on me and showing me so much the last few years and I had to learn to slowly give stuff over to Him to take care of more and more because really, there's only so much we can do, some things are simply out of our control. So do what you can, what you do have control over, like keeping your grades up, and let go of the what if's because chances are the what if's will never happen. All it does it torment you with thoughts of something that will almost certainly never happen. So start refusing these thoughts as soon as they enter your mind and turn to something positive. Read something positive and uplifting. Hang out with positive people. Stay away from people who will drag you down. There are some things you can control. The rest, just let go. You will have much more peace if you can do this.
Hope this helps a little!

1486688 tn?1333853707
by rockinrobin32, Feb 01, 2011
look, you are a good person.  Don't let anybody tell you different.  Take some time to do things for yourself that you like to do and don't worry about anything else for now.  Have your tea..draw a picture..relax.  Do some deep breathing exercises, go for a jog.  Focus on school..yes you will pass!  Stay away from things..and people that bring negativity.  SMILE;O)  I care.

1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, Feb 01, 2011
Cloud, after what I've been through (escape from home, starvation college, major car accident, multiple nervous breakdowns, marriage and desertion by my first husband, career established, multiple nervous breakdowns, near death illness, loss of career and future hopes, peace found, peace lost, multiple nervous breakdowns, multiple severe illness resulting in surgeries, second marriage, near-death severe illness, paralysis of my beloved husband and his miraculous recovery, his prostate cancer and recovery, his lung cancer and death, loss of my house, recent death of my sweet old dog, multiple nervous breakdowns, severe illness and the decision to change how I'm treating my anxiety and other illness, loss of my current living situation, having to give up my old parrot (found her a wonderful bona fide sanctuary (a prayer answered), fear of the long drive ahead of me, fear of what the outcome of my chosen medical treatment will be, fear of the unknown should it succeed OR fail... I feel entitled to say that... no matter what happens you're still in the hands of God and He is good.  

Sometimes it seems like I just can't stand what's going on or what's threatening to happen.  At those times I have found peace and refuge in prayer... really the only comfort I've ever had.  And no how horrible things are, matters always resolve for the better.  The Psalm says that we walk THROUGH the Valley of Death, not around it, and that He is with me.  His creation is perfect, He didn't leave you out of the perfection.  

There are passages in the Bible about God standing with us as a silver or gold smith does with his precious metal as it is heated in the fire to refine it.  Guess you and those around you are being heated.  

Are you familiar with the Helen Steiner Rice poem that begins, "God hath not promised..."?

Find a place either that feeds your senses or where you simply feel safe and walk, fast!  For the first time in my life I've been walking for four evenings.  For the first time in decades, the last two nights I slept through the night without sleep aids (except melatonin, I meant no drugs).  Sleep, blessed sleep!  I started out with 5 minutes and 1/10 of a mile... it's now 35 minutes and 1.25 miles.  The fast part seems to matter... oxygen?  Be sure to do your exercise at least an hour and a half before you want to sleep.  

The prescription for anxiety is diet, exercise, and spiritual development (including relaxation, prayer, music, art, animals, hobbies, etc.).  Like any other recipe, the cake will fall if you leave one out.  Balance.  

I was going completely crazy with higher even than usual anxiety.  I found an mp3 clip online with subliminal messages about loving God... there's also a version where you can hear the words.  This clip has saved my sanity at this time.  I don't know how you feel about classical music... maybe you could find something similar with more contemporary music.

You're really cool, Cloud.  Once, recently, while praying, I told God how much I love Him and expressed a worry that because I wasn't a Jesus-is-God believer I might be doing wrong... the answer I got was "Let not your heart be troubled...", that night I dreamt that Jesus was with me and I took his hand.  That morning was the beginning of a period of relative calm.  I'm still not sure what to believe about the whole "trinity" thing.  The Bible says God's name is "I AM", not "WE ARE".  God's not stupid and He knows your heart.  Trust in Him and don't worry about your own understanding... I like the trust in Him part and would not have survived this long without that... as for understanding, I can easily remember many times when I thought I understood something only to find out I didn't know what I didn't know.  Those mp3 clips made it possible for me to pray when I was too distraught and confused to do it on my own.  I hope this helps.  

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