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hit a wall

Feb 01, 2011 - 5 comments

I am working hard at keeping it together but losing the battle.  so tired of being down having nothing that is positive to grab onto.
Still unemployed and no job in sight.  I've run out of ways to mickey mouse the bills and today I hit the wall.  I sometimes sit back and think something will come along to help us but so far nothing.

the weather is so bad here with the snow that I have been kept busy but realy nothing that has meaning.
I am straight and have had quite a few days lately when I thougth I deserved to feel good for a few hours abut I fought those thoughts.  Drugs do not even appeal to me but I know if there were any in the house I would use.
there are no answers to my problems just going to sit down and cry alittle then go battle the snow.

just need to vent and feel sorry for myself for awhile and I could never go out to get drugs cause of the storm. so a relaspe will not happen.

I do think all the time that using is not an option and really feel that way. my friends here have helped to keep me straight wish I had a place to go to help with the rest of my life.

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617347 tn?1331293081
by laurel453, Feb 01, 2011
Pills will not help us to escape from reality, dear wendy. In fact, nothing will do . Thiis is bloody tough time and we have to live it. What can we do but keep walking in the middle of the storm? it will have an end, trust it will have an end, my friend. I really really want to hug you right now.

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by wendy111, Feb 01, 2011
I could use it right now.

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by lifewithoutcoke, Feb 02, 2011
I'm sending you a hug too Wendy

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by j34, Feb 02, 2011
I completly understand, you know i have 18 months clean, my son has just been arrested for home invasions, I am under house arrest due to my active addiction,i cant go out of the house for 6 months,my granddaughter has been born two days befor my son went to jail, i wont even get to see her for 6 months and only then if the mom i dont know lets me see her, I have grade 9 english and need grade 12 to get into college havent been in school for 22 yr. My dreams are far lets turn it

thank god I am clean i can be supportive and lead by example for my son, I am under house arrest but i am cleaning up my past and will never have to be part of the problem anymore , I cant go out  to do what I want but i can go to aa meetings, my grandaughter is healty and safe , ahh I live into day so you just never know about my grandchild(one day she just might live with me) Oh thank goodness, I have the opportunity to live in a country where woman are allowed to get educated,last but not least least i have dreams today... all due to stayng clean ,just for today , many many blessings are sent from up here in canada ..hugs hugs hugs hugs not drugs j34

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by wendy111, Feb 02, 2011
Thanks for the hugs
J34 you are right but the people that screwed up my life are having a great life.  but here is a list!

at the moment I have a home
at the moment I have my animals
2 children and 2 grandchildren
Both children out of house on their own
One great son-in-law and one great future daughter-in-law
Some stupid cc company gave us a 12,000 credit card so I know we can still feed the animals and our selves.

No job
Losing house/foreclosure
Will not have any place for my animals
I ran out of ways to make ends meet

dring this downhill financial spiral I got clean first time in well over 20 years that is a positive

the cravings are just so bad these past week or so bt I need to get strong.  we got snow now freezing rain so I have no choice but to stay home. I am praying my flat roofs will hold.

one hour at a time.

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