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My grief journal

Mar 06, 2011 - 5 comments








I am supposed to be working but I feel stuck.  I am still exhausted from the loss of my brother & all the complications that came with that.  I think I am still in shock, rerunning the policeman asking for me at the door of the motel & having to break the news to mum & dad.

I want to make it better for everyone even though rationally I know that I have done my best.  I want his wife not to be scarred by the fight they had before he drove off; I want it to be just a clean car accident, not to have been influenced by his momentary inattention due to being upset.  It was still afternoon, but maybe his lithium dose caused his reflexes to be slower.  I will probably never know the answers to these questions, even when the inquest results are received.

  Most of the time, I am comforted by my love for my beautiful boy who died too young but these other things weigh me down.

Then there's my sister.  I truly don't blame her for responding to the shock with another bender & spending both his funeral ceremonies passed out at home.  It's a huge thing for anyone to deal with.  It's the 25 years of addiction I can't cope with. I feel so sad for my parents that they have to live with the ever present possibility of losing another child in horrendous circumstances.  In one year they have had to deal with nearly losing my sister following what the doctors believed to be an irreversible coma,due to her addiction, to losing my brother.

I lost my sister many years ago but where there is life there's hope right.  Truthfully, I don't have much hope for her & this is a heavy feeling in so many ways.  My parents have finally accepted that they need some al anon type support & it's clear now that I do too.

I feel as though I have to somehow make up to my parents for all this pain & loss they are enduring & it's too big a burden.  It's overwhelming me so that anything other than basic chores has become frightening.  I have to get unstuck now or I will never catch up with the last three weeks of undone work.  I am scared of more loss.

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by dominosarah, Mar 07, 2011
I am so sorry about your loss my friend.   There will come a time in your grief process where the what ifs and why's wont be first and foremost in your mind.  Even if you did have all the answers the outcome wont change.  I think once you all get some help with this there will be some comfort and closure.  You are so overwhelmed right now trying to make everything better.  All you can do is take care of you.  There is no making up to your parents, only dealing with the pain they are experiencing and staying close to them and moving forward.  Grief is a hard process to go thru but it is very important to do so.  Asking for help is a great start.  I do hope that your sister will see what is happening and will reach out and get the help she so badly needs.  I wish i had the answers for you and could take your pain away.....all i have is my experience of going thru the grief process myself.  Know that i care and i feel your pain~~~~sara

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by madtram, Mar 07, 2011
Thanks so much for your wisdom & being there, Sarah.  You radiate strength with the way you continue to deal with loss in your own life.

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by jstntime, Mar 07, 2011
Wow M., my most heartfelt condolences got out to you my friend.  I love how your posts always exude so much wisdom and that gives me comfort that you will find a way out of your hole.  I know you are feeling lost but I also know that you hold all the tools to get through it.

My prayers to you M.  One day at a time.  You're an incredibly strong woman and I wish for you peace.  The things you cannot change are out of your hands.

I will keep you in my prayers M. and again, my condolences to you,


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by vicki595, Mar 07, 2011
Oh my goodness.  This has been such a horribly sad time for you my friend!   What to say?   There isn't much that you haven't already heard but I can share some words that were said to me once :

If you feel bad...feel it. Just treat yourself as though you have a bad cold or the flu. Let things go for awhile and concentrate on yourself. Call in sick to work. Don't do the laundry and don't answer the phone. You're sick! Sleep.Eat.
Stay comfy and warm. In other words,baby yourself. Being sad and depressed suits a purpose. You need to rest to gain your mental strength and it does come really does. Then you're better able to cope and be strong for the others.
You can't change anything but you can find a place to put all the pain so that you can move on. But give yourself a little time to do that.  
You're in my thoughts and I'm so sorry for the pain. It's never fair...


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by madtram, Mar 07, 2011
Thank you for your thoughts Bob & Vicki.  My body seems to have put itself on a go-slow & as you both say, I do need to take one day at a time & allow myself some healing time.

Sarah, Bob & Vicki, your humanity shines through & I want to acknowledge how much you do for so many on MH.

A dear friend read the beautiful St Francis prayer at Simon's cremation and it's a tall order, (I'm no saint).  I am going to focus on the serenity prayer.

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