Mar 06, 2011
I am supposed to be working but I feel stuck. I am still exhausted from the loss of my brother & all the complications that came with that. I think I am still in shock, rerunning the policeman asking for me at the door of the motel & having to break the news to mum & dad.
I want to make it better for everyone even though rationally I know that I have done my best. I want his wife not to be scarred by the fight they had before he drove off; I want it to be just a clean car accident, not to have been influenced by his momentary inattention due to being upset. It was still afternoon, but maybe his lithium dose caused his reflexes to be slower. I will probably never know the answers to these questions, even when the inquest results are received.
Most of the time, I am comforted by my love for my beautiful boy who died too young but these other things weigh me down.
Then there's my sister. I truly don't blame her for responding to the shock with another bender & spending both his funeral ceremonies passed out at home. It's a huge thing for anyone to deal with. It's the 25 years of addiction I can't cope with. I feel so sad for my parents that they have to live with the ever present possibility of losing another child in horrendous circumstances. In one year they have had to deal with nearly losing my sister following what the doctors believed to be an irreversible coma,due to her addiction, to losing my brother.
I lost my sister many years ago but where there is life there's hope right. Truthfully, I don't have much hope for her & this is a heavy feeling in so many ways. My parents have finally accepted that they need some al anon type support & it's clear now that I do too.
I feel as though I have to somehow make up to my parents for all this pain & loss they are enduring & it's too big a burden. It's overwhelming me so that anything other than basic chores has become frightening. I have to get unstuck now or I will never catch up with the last three weeks of undone work. I am scared of more loss.