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it is not always fair

Mar 15, 2011 - 0 comments

It does not seem fair when everything in life is crashing in.  It is not fair being an addict and knowing a few pills could give me a few hours of happiness.  If I was not an addict I would not know of that option.  
But that is not an option.  
Every day I breath a sigh of relief that I made it another day.  But life is so hard and when I do make it another day there is no reward at the end of the day for making it.
I have been told I am a strong person and cause of that I can do it.
I have been raped, abused as a kid, in a abusive relationship as a kid, lost my mom at 14 and even had an abortion but this crisis is harder to handle than those times of my life.

no job and no money and facing foreclosure is killing me.
having six months of being bullied at work cause of something I said about another employee and I did not fight them at the time that has changed me, I am having trouble fighting. I can understand why someone could kill themselves when they are being bullied.  It happened my greatest fear I lost my job and now am losing my home.
it seems so hard that I suffered sooo  much for nothing I still lost in the end.

I had a good day today you could say I did a few things I have been afraid to do, they are all concerning the reality of losing my home of over 30 years but I kinda feel proud I was able to do a few things but do not feel good cause I did not do anything that could make me feel good.  facing reality is sooo hard.  I have to face what is coming but it still seems unknown.

I guess I am rambling and to much inside my head.  
why is it I write when I feel near the edge.

I will not use today I have a few more hours before I can get in bed and catch up on my tv shows on my DVR/ I cannot afford Cable but the TV and Internet are my only distractions and I would go crazy without them.

Tomorrow will be a new day and these feelings of I would rather be dead than alive will be gone.  I know never to give in to them cause tomorrow will be a new day and I hope and pray a better day. But the reality is there are not going to be good days for a long time.  
taking drugs will create more problems than solutions cause I CANNOT JUST TAKE A FEW.  I am straight and able to function.  I wondered for so many years what normal is and I am straight 145 days and that long means this is the real me.  a few days shy of five months almost half a year.I have been straight longer than the time I was tortured at wok
I do not post much but keep reading about others that give me hope.
tomorrow will be another day.

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