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Mar 18, 2011 - 1 comments

Been listening to lots of music lately.  Tooling around the house, working in the yard, driving in the car.  Love music. It can evoke so many emotions and bring back memories.

Some of my favorite right now are Zac Brown Band. Love their melody and story telling. Lots of "let it go, no hurry, quiet your mind, get right with the Lord, etc". Good messages. One of my favorites on their newest cd is Knee Deep. Such a happy song!

Also loving anything from Michael Buble'.  He sounds so much like Frank Sinatra which brings back good memories of my childhood.

I find myself also listening to a lot of Julio Iglesias (he is so much better than his son!).  His voice is so rich and complex.  Love his accent when he is singing english word songs and enjoy the songs that are in a language I don't understand.

Found some old Dixie Chick cd's. Wow, they really could sing in harmony. Pretty cool.  My fav is Never Say Die. Reminds me of me and my husbands relationship. Such a well written song. My husband and I slow danced to it a couple of months ago. Very nice.

I have been struggling lately with feeling sorry for myself. Why? I dont know considering I am such a lucky woman. What a baby I can be sometimes. Why am Ietting my MS infect the present?  It may end up changing my future but I simply cannot let it change the here and now for the worst.

So, I try and do the things that pull me out of my negative, working in the yard (my azaleas are starting to bud!!), and just doing things that give me the most pleasure.  Love, love, love surrounds me.

I had to give up my weekly bible study due to the demands of it.  It required so much studying and it always seemed to conflict with my have to do things.  As a result it has been a struggle remaining and abiding in God's Word.  It's hard to feel as close to Him when I am not spending as much time with Him as I know I should. Still I talk to Him constantly, I am not always listening though. That has to change.  That will change.

Maybe this is why I am struggling somewhat.  I need to go back to my source, my Creator. It's only when I am close to Him that I am able to find the meaning of so much suffering in this groaning world of ours.

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by twopack, Mar 19, 2011
Hi Julie,

I've noticed it seems common to handle a new diagnosis well for the first six months or so and then see gloomy thoughts or resistance set in.  Maybe there are so many details to tend to, appointments, things to learn and people to inform initially that we are caught up in the 'doing' part.  As the treatment protocol becomes more routine, appointments spread out and family/friends soften their focus on our MS we can end up feeling the fuller impact of living with MS as we approach that one-year-since-diagnosis anniversary.

I think it may be like any grieving process.  You can't really start the hard work part until everyone picks up their casserole bowl and heads home.  All of a sudden it is clear that we are the one living this reality.  Tears start to flow.  Or maybe anger rages.  We can feel paralyzed.  Eventually, to stay healthy, we will search for what is necessary to heal and accept.

Try to accept where you are at the moment.  Unfortunately, we can't stop the world and put it on hold until we are ready to resume.  Do what you must.  Do more of what you want.  The perfect time of year has come to enjoy your new home and gardens as you find your way.  If the Bible study is important, can you ask to still attend on occasion without doing all the preparatory study?  Perhaps the group would be willing to support you in a class audit of sorts until you are ready to fully participate again.

Maybe there is an MS group close by where you could share with people who understand this struggle on a personal level?  Sometimes what didn't seem necessary when first diagnosed can become quite attractive later.  I've noticed you are here a lot more lately.  I've been reading more than writing and must say I've enjoyed seeing your posts.  Maybe this is a comfortable and best place for you at the moment.

It is OK to struggle Julie.  It is your humanity.  Think of Jesus in the Garden.  His own humanity struggled to the point of crying out for release as he prayed there.  He knows what it is to desire an easier way.  He knows suffering is hard to understand and harder to live.  Sometimes just being with Him is all that is needed.  Are you familiar with an old hymn titled 'In The Garden'?  Here's a link.  Hope you enjoy it.

As always, thank you for sharing so freely of yourself in your journal.  And, oh yes, your pictures too.  What a lovely family.  I'm sure you are proud as can be.  Enjoy these precious years.  Beautiful girls become lovely women way to quickly.


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