Mar 27, 2011
Last night was almost the perfect night for a person like me. I spent the night walking in the rain trapped in my own head as always. Wasted time? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I may have not met anybody or had any fun but I learned a lot about myself. I learned that no matter what medication I take and no matter what I wear or where I go that I'll always feel alone. I can be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely that I just want to die. Seeing so many other people walk around happy really seems to make it that much worse. I feel like killing myself more now than I have in quite some time. I'll never get to enjoy the closeness that so many others do. I have to once and for all except that and find some way to gain a measure of peace. To rid myself of these feelings that do nothing but raise my hopes and make me feel like I can ever again feel a woman's touch. I'm a failure and a defective person and I'll never have anything to offer to a woman. I just want to spend as much time by myself as I can and not hurt anymore. I walked in the cold rain all night and it just felt right. To be alone. It's my curse. My own private hell and I must accept it. I learned this about myself last night so I guess it wasn't all a waste. The gym, the bookstore and the anywhere that I can avoid Jonny, Russel, Shawn, Beth, Ian, Jr., and all of the people that I know will be my solace. I will be alone as often as I can. Then I will build my own life. I'll build it far away from all those who I have come to know. I'll never rely on the company of others or yearn for the close relationship that I'll never be able to have. I'll accept my fate because it's the one that I chose for myself. I will forge my own path or I'll die trying. I'll figure out who I am once and for all and if my life is worth keeping. I belong no where so to try to fit in will always be a fruitless effort. I am a loser and will always be in one way or another but, I'll try one last time to make things right. Or, I'll stop wasting the time of the few people that are trying to help me.