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What Do I Have Left?

Apr 17, 2011 - 5 comments

Another Saturday night alone. Another night wasted. I guess I'm starting to realize that this IS my life. Things aren't going to get better and I'm not going to get better. I've just about lost the will to keep going. I don't have anyone to blame but, myself. My sister and I both come from the same family and we live such different lives. She has a wealth of friends and lives this amazing life. She travels and she does all of these fun things while being a stellar student and working a full time job. I tried to talk to her but, she didn't respond. I guess she doesn't want me to be a part of her life and how can I blame her? I can barely stand the sight of myself so how can I expect anyone else to. Two minimum wage jobs, no girlfriend, no skills, and to top it all off I'm going to lose my counselor. She's the only person that I can talk to about these things and so many other things that I'll never be able to share with anyone else again. I just want to die. I'm still here though. I'm still trying to find a place in this world and find something that I can do that will give my life meaning. Am I just wasting my time? My father doesn't want to talk to me and I'm sure he doesn't want to give me anymore help. He has a daughter that's done everything right in her life and he's got to worry about her first. Johnny and Jenny will be getting their own place at the end of the summer and I'm not going to live with Russel anymore. I'm not going to live with J.R. and living in Detroit with Kieth would just be another form of hell. I won't be able to afford living on my own and I don't think that my family's going to help me nor should they. So with nothing good in my life and no real friends or family to speak of, the final question is: what do I have left?

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Avatar universal
by cyntracer, Apr 17, 2011
What do you have left? That has yet to be seen...that is the beauty of time in life. Please try to love yourself and do the best you can. If you have accepted God as your Higher Being begin to pray. The answers to prayers are not always answered the way we expect. Keep your eyes open and you find your answers as they are heard and answered.

If you are going to lose your current counselor you need to find another. It is so important to have someone who can listen and validate you. A couselor should help you to find your strengths and weakness'...we all have them so don't deny the weakness'.

My last thought that I can share with you- If you feel that you are going to hurt yourself or somebody else you must tell this to someone who can help you find a safe place for some treatment. Clinical treatment cannot be treated without some help. Be sure to ask for it if you feel suicidal and can think of nothing else. Those of us who have had these thoughts did not wish to be dead, we just wished for the pain of living to be gone.

I will pray for you and gently put you into God's hands...In Jesus name, Cynthia

Avatar universal
by bbxx, Apr 17, 2011
What do you have left? Well, there is the creator in heaven who loves you so much. He sent his Son Jesus to give his life for you. You are not alone. You are not worthless. These are lies the enemy of God likes to plant in your head, because his goal is to destroy. Gods wants you free and he is your answer. Talk to Hiim and get a bible and read it. You will see why you were put on this earth and why your life matters. I am praying for you. Do not lose hope. You have hope as long as you are alive. Hold on. I am praying.

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by acker, Apr 18, 2011
crap days huh - i have felt similar. just be yourself - that's all we can genuinely do; i know when i've felt this down, nothing anyone says can help - so if you don't mind, i'll just keep saying...
when we just want to die, there's some truth in that; there is a PART of our self that does need to be done with - just as some leaves of a tree will die and drop away naturally for the overall health and new growth for the tree. this is healthy. so an analytical project for you might be to determine what PART of you has not yet served its purpose, needs to be allowed to fulfil its function, then naturally die off and support the tree as history from the ground.

the attempts to control anger - anger's only a bad thing when it's not expressed; the approach of 'controlling' anger just compunds the problem cause we angry people have been controlled all our lives (by ourselves and by others) - so carefully express yourself when that feeling of 'annoyance' arises - it's a big signal that something unjust has happened. [explosive anger and that enragement means that we left it too long!] - just say and communicate, or avoid situations where communication's not going to take place...

p.s. i have the same type of sister (although she does speak to me which is great) - married, job, happy, house - i also had that yet now feel pretty well-off without it, because that's WHERE i am. i think my folks are a bit ashamed of me being sick - compared to my sister - so i fairly get your predicament... i've stopped comparing myself to others, or to my life in the past, or what it could be in the future; it just is at it is, and we do our best. if i feel like giving up - i sure do! i just GIVE UP FOR THE DAY and FULLY LIVE that miserable day. it is a 'living life to the full' of another kind. we can't HEAL while we're on the run, trying to be something else.
best wishes

p.p.s. what you have left? feels like nothing? i have felt it. i didn't like it. please hang in there. you've got a bit - you're doing it now - it's a richness that you can't have when life is piled high with trashy treasure that our society seems to aspire to. i know, it's still sh!t, please just take deep breaths

Avatar universal
by ufcfan, Apr 18, 2011
Thanks to everyone for the words kind words. I'll keep on trying. I just lose hope sometimes and it's hard to keep finding a different reason to wake up every morning.

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by Thru_Looking_Glass, Apr 19, 2011
I really like what "acker" says about expressing and not repressing things. I know how dangerous this can sometimes be, as my poor impulse control and often, equally poor judgement, have resulted in some, hard to repair, circumstances with others. (I often say really stupid things when I finally let my repressed feelings blow). Yet I am still glad I did it because of the clarity that came to me afterwards. I learned about myself and others through it.
If you are unhappy with your current situation, change it for that reason. Don't change to be more like your sister, who you paint as a person everyone likes. That's great for her, but may not be for you. I know the hopeless empty feelings your experiencing, it's an ugly side to our disorder. Remember, it's transient. Just a visitor who seems to over stay his welcome. It will pass.
Sometimes people get so exhausted wrestling with these feelings, that they distance themselves from them. For some, substance abuse helps with this. For others it's the ignore it, push it inside, repress it, hide it method (never works). The result is a loss of self value. You get so overwhelmed with your perceived troubles you lose sight of yourself and the good that exist there.
What do you have left? I'll answer with a question, what did you have in the first place? you haven't lost anything it's still there. Just hidden/ repressed until you've got time to enjoy it/yourself. Trust me, if all you tend to are the bad feelings and all you watch for are unwanted negatives, you will lose the good feelings self pride that are waiting to be found.
Stay strong, don't give up and never turn down help.

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