May 05, 2011
It's so funny how things end up where they start for me time and time again. Two years ago at this time I was wondering where I was going to live and trapped in the throws of major depression and I'm right back there again. What a miserable life I've carved out for myself. I guess I'll end up miserable no matter where I end up. If I move to Detroit I'll be just as unhappy as I am here. If I stay here then I'll just continue to make nothing of my life. Lease is up in September and looks like I'm right back to square one. I can't believe that I've let things get this bad. I don't really know how to even begin to fix this!!! So now what? I just feel like giving up. Medications kill my sex drive and destroy my stomach. I fall apart totally without them. Lonely, sad, and just miserable all the time. Can't seem to get a good start with anything. Dad doesn't want anything to do with me and in all reality, I feel the same about him. I guess I might be coming to the end of this journey. I really do have nothing to lose. Two years of medications. Two years of therapy. Two years of trying to discover who I am and find my place in this world and I found it. Alone. That's how I've always felt and in the end that's how I was meant to be. With no skills, no family support, and a lack of any real identity I just feel done. The small changes that I've made in my life don't seem to make a difference anymore. Joyce was right though. Time will go by weather or not I make the best of it or not. I guess time will go on even if I'm not here too. Funny how things come full circle.