May 11, 2011
My anxiety has been okay lately, though it has been higher then I like, but now it's the depression that's really acting up.
I have little to zero motivation. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate the things I've been doing. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even care.
Except I do, that's why I'm here, rambling on this site. I don't want to feel this way. I wish I had the energy and desire to make it through a day like a normal person. I feel so awful, I called in to work today and haven't left my bed. I feel restless and sad. Just really sad.
It doesn't help that the love of my life has decided that I'm not for him. My entire life changed with a text message and I don't know up from down, left from right. I have no idea what I'm suppose to do now, how I'm suppose to proceed. More importantly how am I suppose to live without him? How am I suppose to just be okay with him moving on to someone else? How in the hell do I do that when my heart hurts so much and I feel like I can't breathe?
8 years with this guy. Spending everyday with him. What am I suppose to do now?
I want to do nothing but sleep. Or run away. I'm trying my best not to sob, and I'm also trying to keep the anxiety I can feel rumbling around in my stomach from breaking free and sending me into an attack. It's my TOM too, so my hormones are out of control.
I just need a break. Or I need to run away. I don't know what I need......I just need SOMETHING. Anything.