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Will I ever have...

Sep 20, 2008 - 2 comments

I have been alone since getting home from work Friday. A stupid thing happened: In my town this weekend was a huge party.  The biggest of the year and I had no one to go with.  So I took a big risk and boldly sent a text to a new friend to see if I could join her and her boyfriend.  They've talked about inviting me to stuff (because I'm single) but it's never worked out, though I saw her at a party last weekend and we had a good visit.

She actually turned me down.

I was surprised and hurt.  But I knew this could be a big trigger for me so I tried to stem the spiral of the rejection I felt.

  I didn't make any other plans to go, though.  There were two other people I could call. But I was really tired after the work week.  So I finaly decided just not to go and then there was a terrible thunderstorm.  I don't know what it was like over there - it's a street party - but I was glad about the rain-it made me feel better.

  But why are people so ******? I mean I feel like I've been a fool thinking they like me.  I don't know if I've done something that they don't like or whatever, but I was shocked about being told "no."

But it may have nothing to do with me. If it does there is nothing I can do about it.  This would have devastated me not long ago, so I've made progress with my mental health.
I'm disappointed as I thought I had a new friend, but this treatment is a real turn off.

Otherwise it was hard to stay out of bed today.  I set the alarm early because I had three assignments to finish for my online class - I'd been procrastinating all week and they were all due at 3:00.

Instead of starting on it, I went back to bed. But finally got up and finished it at the last minute.

It sounds so good, I work, go to parties, and am back in school....
but that's just the long, outside view.  My house is filthy and a mess.  I don't even have sheets on my bed today because I can find some.  And I don't have the energy or care.  I've had cereal for dinner for two weeks.  I've not worked out for three weeks and feel fat.  I got asked out on a date, but I haven't been able to call the guy back because I don't want anyone close to me.

Close enough to see my mess and my overweight and my inability to cook.  I haven't done any of my creative stuff in so long.

I know this is showing my low self-esteem, but I just want to get it out honestly and without being interrupted by someone saying, "oh,no, you're not that bad." "Oh it sounds like you're doing so well, don't be hard on yourself."

I want to scream. And I do desperately want to have a romantic relationship again.  I can't imagine anyone loving me the way my ex-husband did.  He worked in the field and knew about BP and married me anyway. I don't think I'll get so lucky again.  I'm trying to imagine my life alone and get used to it.

I sound very sad tonight, but I am about these things. I do feel a little better for having written this out.
Think I may go to bed early tonight and try again tomorrow to get some housework done.

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by RJ233, Sep 21, 2008
Lizz, I'm sorry you feel so bad. We all have those weeks, atleast I do. I have had depression just go on and on. My house is a mess and has been for a while, so you aren' t the only one. Cereal for dinner is not bad. My son and I eat it for any meal and snacks, sometimes all meals. I try not to get it too often, because I am addicted to it. Put on your fat pants, lots of people have them, I have fat dresses, long and casual. You can deal with that when you feel up to it. Don't let those "friends" bother you. Real friends are few and far between. I had two close friends and both of them were big disappointments. Now, I don't even worry about it. I'd rather be on my own than think I have a friend, and then they hurt me because they never really cared to start with. A lot of people don't even know what the word friend means. They would most likely say a person they see or visit once in a while. If that was a big huge party, what would be a reason not to let you go with them? You should just get yourself dressed and go. Many times, when I was single, I'd go by myself. You meet new people like that. I made up my mind, I was going, and I always had a good time. That is how I met my husband.

I know it is impossible to put bp in the back of your mind. It affects our life on a day to day basis, but remember this: You have a chemical imbalance that affects you, what is the excuse the jerks out there that are suppose to be "normal" using for their actions. We can take meds to help us, meds can't change the "normal" people. All the posts show these people are caring and loving and want to help each other, support each other in our darkest times, beautiful people. So be who you are. A good man will love you for who you are, not for who you aren't. If you look at the people who have bp and see the beauty in there hearts, then, there must be other people out there that can be the same. Being bp does not make up who you are. So, we have moods and depression, who in this world doesn't at some point in their life. If we spend our time worrying about what other people think, we would never be able to accomplish anything. Some of the butt people sure don't care what we think. I don't like being around crowds, especially if it is some formal affair, and I have to be on the up and up. It makes me uncomfortable, because I am who I am. I have no desire to compete with upputiness, to put on some kind of show of who I am not. Forget that.

I focus on bad things that might be, too. I can't help it, but eventually, I come out of it. Spending time in bed is good. I have found that gives me freedom of time to escape from dealing with what I don't want to, takes away pressure and I sleep some, resting my body. Housework will wait for me, it won't get up and run away, I wish it would. When I get back up and start on track again, I do one day at a time, not all in one day. If a person comes just to see my house, then they aren't coming for the right purpose  anyway. If someone comes and I  have a messy house, I just say, sorry about the mess, but I have not been feeling well and have spent the last week mostly in bed, and the heck with it. It is not a lie, I wasn't feeling good. It could be worse, I could not have a house to get messy! See, you can find some good in just about anything, if you look for it!!

If screaming makes you feel better, scream. Let it out. We all have to get it out some kind of way. Writing it out is a good way too. It is a good way to release that tension. You are right, tomorrow is another day. If you feel that you can do some things fine. If you are still down, go to bed and turn on that soothing music, maybe a nice long bubble bath first.

I hope your days get better soon. When you next visit your dr, tell him how down you have been. Maybe he can add something for you, even if temporary. Mine has done that for me. Wish you the best. Gods Blessings, RJ

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by lonewolf07, Sep 21, 2008
It sounds like you might be in a time of transition, which can be a very difficult time.  Change is often painful.  Well-meaning comments don't really help and sometimes just hearing them can make a person want to scream.  I've done a lot of screaming in the shower.

Sometimes being decadent - as in staying in bed, reading, watching TV - doing whatever YOU want can be invaluable.  You'll know when it's time to get on with whatever you want to do.  If people judge me by my messy house or can't stand being in a house that doesn't look like it just came out of a commercial they don't have to come in.  I had a boss whose desk was a real mess.  He had a sign that said, "A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind."  I just extended that to "house"  lol  Hope you feel better soon - after breakfast in bed maybe  = )

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