Jun 02, 2011
Today is the last day of school for my kids. To me it is significant b/c the very first day of school I was dx with RRMS. Literally, an entire school year has begun and ended since I heard the words that will forever change my life.
Everything has changed since that day but I don't think it's that obvious to the world. There is almost nothing familar, feeling-wise, about my life since that day. Circumstances can change so quickly and unexpectedly. I guess that is one of the guarantees in life, constant change. And one of the blessings that this disease has taught me is that this world, and our lives in it, are so transient. The One I lean on has, and always will be, the only constant.
My house is everything I dreamed it would be. Perfect, serene, happy, calming, yet full of life, lush, welcoming, a fortress for my mind and body, my little heaven on earth. I love, love, love it. Can you tell I love it? If there is any negative in it, it is that I could hang inside and in the yard for 24/7.
It has helped me adjust to my dx. I feel it in my bones, my soul, that I am suppose to be here. It's comfortably familiar. How wonderfully big God's hand has been in this. I am full of gratitude for His love and care for me, but what's the big picture here? Certainly this isn't all for my and my family's pleasure? There is a purpose for everything, sometimes it's obvious, sometimes not. This one isn't so obvious to me.
When opportunities present themselves to share the house for a church activity, a school activity or a event for someone, I ask myself is this part of the reason I am here, to share it, to make things happen that wouldn't otherwise happen?
I am looking forward to getting to my one year dx anniversary. It has been hard adjusting to the new reality, the uncertainty of this disease. Somehow the further away from the date of dx, the more settled I am and the more hopeful I am to be fully in the reality of it, and with the loss and the change that comes with it. The grieving that inevitably accompanies being on a road you were not expecting to be on.
There is no doubt that I am a different wife, mother, daughter, friend, Christian, b/c of the dx. Not all of it better...yet, but on balance (even if I am not fully there yet) a still imperfect better. I am on the journey I am suppose to be on, getting to the place I am suppose to be.
My life is a beautiful, sometimes a beautiful mess, but I am fully in it, and very grateful for it.