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My beautiful life

Jun 02, 2011 - 2 comments

Today is the last day of school for my kids. To me it is significant b/c the very first day of school I was dx with RRMS. Literally, an entire school year has begun and ended since I heard the words that will forever change my life.

Everything has changed since that day but I don't think it's that obvious to the world.  There is almost nothing familar, feeling-wise, about my life since that day. Circumstances can change so quickly and unexpectedly. I guess that is one of the guarantees in life, constant change. And one of the blessings that this disease has taught me is that this world, and our lives in it, are so transient. The One I lean on has, and always will be, the only constant.

My house is everything I dreamed it would be. Perfect, serene, happy, calming, yet full of life, lush, welcoming, a fortress for my mind and body, my little heaven on earth. I love, love, love it. Can you tell I love it?  If there is any negative in it, it is that I could hang inside and in the yard for 24/7.

It has helped me adjust to my dx. I feel it in my bones, my soul, that I am suppose to be here.  It's comfortably familiar. How wonderfully big God's hand has been in this.  I am full of gratitude for His love and care for me, but what's the big picture here?  Certainly this isn't all for my and my family's pleasure?  There is a purpose for everything, sometimes it's obvious, sometimes not. This one isn't so obvious to me.

When opportunities present themselves to share the house for a church activity, a school activity or a event for someone, I ask myself is this part of the reason I am here, to share it, to make things happen that wouldn't otherwise happen?

I am looking forward to getting to my one year dx anniversary.  It has been hard adjusting to the new reality, the uncertainty of this disease. Somehow the further away from the date of dx, the more settled I am and the more hopeful I am to be fully in the reality of it, and with the loss and the change that comes with it. The grieving that inevitably accompanies being on a road you were not expecting to be on.

There is no doubt that I am a different wife, mother, daughter, friend, Christian, b/c of the dx. Not all of it better...yet, but on balance (even if I am not fully there yet) a still imperfect better.  I am on the journey I am suppose to be on, getting to the place I am suppose to be.

My life is a beautiful, sometimes a beautiful mess, but I am fully in it, and very grateful for it.

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1466984 tn?1310560608
by wiggles94, Jul 16, 2011
I just read your journal - and I have to tell you that I love this posting.

I was dx about a 1 1/2 ago - started on dmd - and then decided since this was a life long thing - to seek a second opiniion with a MS specialist - he was not so convinced  I have MS - so I decided (along with my original neuro ) to go off DMD and they are following me - with repeat MRI and of course I call them with any new sx.
So far so good - and I have my repeat MRI in Aug.

BUT - I was beginning to feel very settled when I got my dx, started on meds etc - was beginning to accept - move on - all  of that - but NOW I am feeling very unsettled - and feel like I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing -

So your journal entry was very great for me to read - I too have a beautifully comforting place to live where I can enjoy the beauty of nature all around me - yet I sometimes forget to see all of that - even not being sure of what's going on with me - I need to focus more on what i know for sure - and be thankful for all  I have.  Thanks for that reminder.

Hope you are well!

1382889 tn?1505071193
by jujuminx, Jul 18, 2011
  Thanks for the kind words.  The one thing I know about this disease is that in some way I will always feel unsettled, dx or not. It's just the nature of us humans especially when it comes to our bodies working against us.

  I applaude you for being courageous enough to consider that the orginal dx may have been premature or incorrect.  If the second dr was not convinced, what did he think you had?  And what if any treatments are there for your new diagnosis?

  Fortunately or unfortunately, spinal lesions are a little more straight forward in the MS dx'ing process than brain lesions are. I guess I should be grateful for not being in limbo land.

  I am glad you found some benefit in reading my journal.  It is so helpful to me to write and sort out my feelings. What a bonus that others can get some benefit from it as well.

  I wish you the best and look forward to following your journey!


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