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Problems with DH :( regarding 1st DS who is not his biologicaly!

Jun 12, 2011 - 8 comments

So me and DH rarely fight, and I mean rarely!!! Well since the miscarriage he seems to be more distant and angry. He seems to change his mood from happy to mad in a matter of seconds. I have tried to talk to him, and he says there is nothing wrong. Well our 1st DS who is 11 is not biologically his. It is from a relationship when I was young and dumb. Anyways me and DS biological father don't talk. He has been in and out of prison my Son's entire life, my son hardly knows the Douche bag!!! Well lately it seems like he is picking on my Son. He does not praise him for his good work, but seems always have negative things to say about him. His report card came out and he had a d in math and he had it the previous semester and we told him to bring it up but the end of the semester which obviously he did not. But we knew from the beginning he was having problems with this class it is honors math so it was not like it was a new problem. Then he had 2 b's which he brought up to a's, well DH did not mention anything to him about bringing those grades up all he could focus on was the bad grade. Then my Son plays football and we were talking about it with out neighbors who just put their son in it, and my DH said out of nowhere he (our DS) should not even play, he *****!!!! WTH!!!! I honestly felt so hurt that he would say such a thing, i mean he is 11 he is not a professional football player come on!! I am torn, this is not the 1st time we have had this fight. He knew what he was stepping into when he met me, I told him from the get go I am a package deal you get me you get my little guy. He loves him, but it seems like he has a hard time expressing theses feelings. I know this for a fact because he is the same with me too. I just don't know what to think or how to approach him to talk to him about this. I have heard of a lot of couples who divorce because of this. I love him to death and divorce is not even a thought, but what if this continues to happen???? My Son also sometimes feels like he is to tough on him. My DH had a bad child hood and I did not, so it seems like he is doing the same to my Son. Our 2nd DS is his and there is a difference, but that could be because he is only 4. His Mom messed him up big time. She was never around so he was independent when he was 11, well I am around!!!!!! How independent should an 11 yr old be? he picks up dog poop, cleans his room, separates and puts away his laundry. What else should he be doing??? Please help,  I am going to talk to DH tonight but want to make sure I dont come off wrong, because honestly I would love to tell him to f**k off right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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296076 tn?1371334474
by melimeli, Jun 12, 2011
don't let him hurt your boy, the emotional damage done at that age can never be repaired.. it changes who they are...  I tis hard because he is obviously going to feel more toward a child that is "his" but he needs to mask this and treat them equally good luck girl!

1219499 tn?1410749730
by dscoqn, Jun 12, 2011
Hi hun, sorry you are going through this right now - especially with the miscarriage and all.  Your DH should be a bit more sensitive to you at this time not giving you more stress!  Well men can be hard to read sometimes and what you think is the problem may in fact be something else - I would say that your son is just bearing the brunt of what ever it is that is bothering him and that in fact it's not really about your son at all.  I would sit the DH down and just ask him to open up about what his problem actually is, maybe it's just stress from watching you go through all these pregnancy losses and the emotional pain it is causing you.  Maybe it's something else entirely.  Tell him that it's upsetting to watch him treat your son like he does and that he needs to back off otherwise it's going to affect your son's self esteem.  Mamma bear will always protect her cubs and it's your right to tell him he's being unfair.

922048 tn?1387942584
by Sherri90049, Jun 12, 2011
I have a feeling this has to do with all that childhood pain your DH endured. It's not fair that he had to go through that. I have seen men like that, and it breaks my heart. None of them deserved the treatment they got, but that includes your DS. I pray that you are able to find the words to bring it up tonight and have a good heart-to-heart with your DH. Hopefully he will listen and be more sensitive to your DS.

As Mel said, the damage done at that young age is irreparable. Self-esteem is SO important! You can't get too far in life without it! I say that from personal experience. I was never good enough for my father. Only perfection would have been good enough, and oh did I try and try and try to be perfect! (I wasn't successful, of course!) When I was about 15, I just gave up. He never changed and still to this day makes me feel two inches tall when I see/talk to him. So I have virtually no contact with him. I know that this issue is something that still haunts me.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now. I know that it is a difficult time for you without this issue. Good luck tonight! I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Jun 12, 2011
I hate to be the "heavy" but I must say... I think your DH is totally out of line. Since he is a reasonable man and you two quarrel very infrequently, I would suggest you give it to him straight and stern! This behavior needs to stop! While it's true that it's sad what he went through as a choked, he is no longer a child... He is a grown man now who is a father. Maybe all he needs is a swift kick in the butt lol. Maybe if he really hears it from you, he will come to his senses and realize that what he is doing is wrong. Especially during this difficult time of grief you're going through.

I come from a place of empathy, as I have a son from my first husband (psychopath dude, I kid you not) and another child with DH. It is only human nature for our hubbies to have a stronger bond with their own bio kids, but they should ALWAYS fight the urge to show bias. Will they be 100%? no, of course not. But even parents who have multiple children together sometimes pick favorites. The point is, we as PARENTS need to put those feelings in check and do the right thing.

He sounds like a good guy who just needs a stern talking to. My advise is nip this sh*t in the bud... Even now sometimes I have to (privately) remind hubby that he is being "insensitive" to "our" son... It's just ***** when we feel like our hubbies are making "teams" within the family. Don't let it get that far!

Good luck my dear!

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by princessren88, Jun 13, 2011
I'm so sorry your DH does not seem to support your first DS. My cousin had the sane issue as you. She remarried and had a daughter and then had a son with her new husband. Her husband was always though on her and she ended up getting in trouble and acting out since he was so though on yet. She was only 9 at the time and decided to move with her dad in another country. It really does affect a child, especially if their subbling is treated differently. I hope this can be fixed before he gets older and acts out his fustration and anger. I know girls seem to act our earlier but either way it's hard on them I've seen it. So sorry your going through that.

1041303 tn?1421387341
by frank_noahsmommy, Jun 13, 2011
We had a long talk last night and I found out our DS had made a comment when I was not home about his biological father whom he does not even see because he is a loser in and out of prison! I guess he said I can't wait until "MY Dad" gets out of jail!!!! Well My DH is HIS Dad he has been there since my Son was 4 and he was really hurt that my son made this comment. I guess my son did it out of spite, because DH would not buy him something so he knew what he did and he admitted it. My DH also admitted to acting like a child and knew he was wrong too, he was just so hurt. So we all talked, hugged, and cried! Well Me and DS cried not DH ;) They promised to spend more time together practicing football moves so my son can get better. We do pay a lot of money for him to play so we do expect him to give his all and he promised he would. I mean I thought he has always done good, I mean yeah he has his days when he is lazy but he is 11.

Me and DH also had a talk about the miscarriage and this one really hurt him!!! He said he thought how can one person be put through all this 6 times so surely the 7th time will be it. Well I guess I am pretty strong to keep on doing this. We agreed to take a long break, we tried this in January, but I got pg before I started the BC. So this time no mistakes we are going to take at least 6 months then reevaluate our life and see if TTC is still something we want. 7 miscarriages has definitely tried out relationship, but it has made us stronger. I just don't understand why??? I guess I will never know.
Thanks for your support and advice.

922048 tn?1387942584
by Sherri90049, Jun 13, 2011
That's so great to hear! That is just the outcome I was hoping for! When there is good communication, you can really get through anything!

1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Jun 14, 2011
So glad things worked out. Communication always works when you got a good man ;0)

I'm praying for your lil bean... Hoping you will defy the odds this time, heaven knows it's not fair for you to suffer another loss.

Sending positive healing vibes.

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