When was I last happy? ///UPDATE//

Jun 19, 2011 - 8 comments

I truly don't remember the answer to this question.. May be over a year ago the day my son was born may have been the last day I was truly happy. That was almost 13 months ago.
But things are truly awful between me and DH. He has become an utterly miserable, bitter, unhappy man that I don't recognize anymore.
Everything makes him unhappy, almost every thing I say is wrong and now we hardly talk to each other.
We don't have sex anymore, we don't kiss or even sit next to each other anymore..
We sleep in the same bed.. but as far away possible from each other, facing the opposite directions.

He doesn't help out in any house work other than doing the dishes every night. Never changes the baby, never feeds him, never rocks him to sleep, never bathes him..I do every thing while working full time. On his off days (we don't work the same hours) he watches TV, naps on the couch all day while my mom watches our son.
When I am done work I am off to the park with the baby every day, and on the week ends I do laundry, cleaning, every thing around the house plus spending time outdoors with my son. Summers are so short I believe we should enjoy the sun and good weather. but DH's ideal off day is indoors all day and watch TV and nothing else.

I know DH loves our son so much...  the biggest activity they do together right now is watch nursery rhymes video clips online. Or when we go shopping they will walk together, run around while I get what I want.
DH always reminds me of how important it is to read to our son.. but never reads a book to the boy himself. Just wants me to do that too.

I worry for my son. What kind of an example is he getting from his dad? Will he grow up to be an emotionless man like his dad?

I work fulltime and bring in as much money as him.  plus do every thing around the house. I am so burnt out.. no more energy left.

After doing all this when some thing little is out of place... DH gets really mad! For an example the other day I brought the cordless phone hand set it in to the kitchen and forgot to put it back on the cradle. DH saw it and and oh my God.. eye rolls,huffs and puffs and muttering ..!!! All he had to do was just put it back..

He complaints that I don't let him eat what he likes.. yes! that's because I love him.. he's diabetic, and is on meds for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetics  and I want him to be around to see our son grow up! With his lack of excercise he's like a ticking time bomb..a heart attack waiting to happen!

I lost my dad when I was 2 1/2 yrs. My mom raised me alone. I know how hard it is for a child to grow up without a dad. I don't want that for my son. But there's only so much I can do.

I make sure they get a healthy meal every day... but end up getting [email protected] for that!

We co-sleep with our son and in the morning DH always sleeps in as the baby kicks him all night and doesn't let him sleep. but I am the one who nurses him all night half awake while DH snorses away. DH wakes up just in time to take a shower and go to work after I wake up, change, feed the baby. I am just exausted every day!!

When tell him how tired I am .. his answer is "why don't you sleep when the baby sleeps.. don't watch TV" but when do I relax?.. watching a little bit of TV once a while is my only way of relaxation...

Tomorrow is our 8th yr wedding anniversary..but I doubt if he even remembers. My mom wants to make a cake for us, but I said "no thanks mom..".. How can I tell her how unhappy I am..? I can't tell anyone that I know. Noone knows how bad things are between us..

He wan't always like this.. he was a fantastic man when we first met. He was a kind, gentle, loving man. But he has changed a lot...I am not even sure if it's possible for a man to change so much.
Once in a while I see the man I married. He tells me he's sorry for being like that. But switches right back to his grumpiness in a matter of hours or days..

Things are so broken I don't think we will ever be the same. I don't want to leave him or divorce. I have no friends or family. My mom who lives in another country is with me temporarily. After she goes back I will be all alone with my son.

Today I took DH and our son out to brunch for father's day. The whole time DH didn't even say a word to me other than to say what he will order and to say that baby had pooped.
Right after the food arrived the baby was very fussy and started crying. DH didn't even lift his head up .. just continued to eat. I walked out of the restaurant with the baby as he was disturbing other people around us. DH quietly finished his meal and came out , took the baby and asked me to go and eat. It was awkward... I looked around and families enjoying meals laughing, chatting.. I just wanted to cry!

I question myself did I do something to drive him away?... I don't know.
Is this all my fault.?

No point trying to talk to him as it will be a disaster. He says every thing is always only about me...and not about how he feels.  and that's how all our conversations end .. so I don't even bring anything up anymore as I know how it's going to end. One time he told me to leave if I am not happy with him. At that point I knew there's no love left for me in him.

He's never been abusive, never yells ....when he's angry he stops talking, rolls his eyes, sighs and walks away. I find that more annoying that yelling at me. I would rather him yell so at least I know how he feels.

I am so conflicted.. sad..and helpless! I don't know what to do.

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Oh honey. It has gotten worse hasn't it. I am so sorry your going through all of this. I have to say that it sounds like your DH might be a bit (or a lot) depressed. I know there has been a lot going on the past year or two career wise and I know how hard that can be on a man. A lot of what he is doing/acting sound like classic signs of depression. I somehow don't think that right now he would be open to seeing someone professional about this. But I do think it very important that you do. Not because you are the one with the issue, but because you do feel so alone and perhaps a professional could help you sort through it a bit. This cannot be easy for you. (((hugs)))...and when are you coming to Calgary? If you need a break, I have 5 bedrooms and you know I mean it (at least I think you do). Here for you hon even if I am not the best at keeping in touch.

Aww hun! I hate that you have to go through this. I'm having sort of similar problems with my DH. The difference is that I stay home with the kids, but we have FIVE of them so this is a major full time job for me as well. Many of the things you mention are things I am sick of as well. I wish I had some answers for you, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone, there are others who can relate and commisurate!! :(

I also wondered about depression.. yes things have not improved one bit with his work in the last year. He still does a job that he hates. It's a very stressful job... And he would not hear of therapy or wants any thing to with counselling.
What should I do to get him to talk to some one. He hates sharing with his personal problems with anyone. Not with his closest friends. (he has only one close friend who lives on the other side of the world)
If I even mention this to him he will say after all that he's going through I am going to say he's crazy too!

I have hears him talking to himself in a bathroom and he spends a lot time in the bathroom.
Before we were a team and discussed every thing with each other and were very happy. Now that we hardly talk I think he does all the talking with himself.

How do I get in touch with a professional? Do I need a referral?
Don't know if I will be visiting Calgary anytime soon. Work is so demanding and most of all Seth needs me. If I am not here to initiate to feed, change him I don't know what will happen to him.

Thank you for the offer to stay at your place.. that means a lot to me! As much as I love a break I can't afford to take one right now.

Losing...This really suc*s doesn;t it? It can't be easy for with 5kids to look after. We just have the 1 and I know how hard it is.. I don't with this kind of heart ache on my worst enemy. thank you for your kind words.

I'm honestly not sure how to get him to talk to someone.  Remember I told you that my DH went through something similar when he was struggling with career choices?  He truly also became a nightmare to live with.  Well, what worked for me is I finally sat him down when we were both calm and just laid it all out for him.  I told him that I despise ultimatums, but that I could not live like this, nor would I subject our son to this.  I told him that I loved him more then anything and wanted our marriage and family to stay together, but that I felt I was being forced into a corner, and if he did not seek help I had no choice but to leave.  Fortunately he chose to get some help.  He was on anti depressants for awhile.  He isn't now, but given that it was more situational then anything, they did get him through the tough times until he sorted it out.  But he is very analytical, so I had specific examples for him.  I was also very careful to stay calm and not make it an attack.  I let him know I supported him and if he needed to make a change I was behind him 100%.  But I could not live like this.  It worked, but much was in the delivery.  I made sure he knew that my goal was to stay together and build on what we had had and that he knew I was there for him and supported him.  I can tell you we are stronger together then ever now, but it was tough for a bit.

Your family Dr. can give you a referral so that it is covered.  Otherwise it's out of pocket.

End of day, you cannot force him to change.  He has to choose to do that.  You can change how it is impacting you and for me anyway, a counselor helped me put things into perspective.  It helped.  Of course, I am a huge believer in counseling and strongly feel that when you are willing to do the work, they can really help guide you.  Your hurting, and it might help.

The offers stands though, and you can bring Seth of course!!  I just worry because you are so alone and I know you are so private.  You still have my phone no. right?  I'm a pretty good listener, so never hesitate.  My inlaws leave in the morning...they were supposed to leave today, but decided to extend the trip an extra day.  I am home pretty much every night, and off from thurs to sun, so don't even hesitate.

From experience, YOU can't get him to be open and willing to see someone. HE has to do that. BUT a good starting point is for him to see you doing it. This worked with my husband. He saw that it didn't make me less of a person nor was I labeled crazy or inferior for seeking counseling and being put on meds for depression. After a few years he finally became more open to it. Though not as fully as I hoped he would be. Start planting the seeds by getting YOU some much needed help in coping with all of this, as adgal said!!!!

I agree that he sounds depressed.  There is no shame in depression------------  it upsets me that any stigma to that still exists.  It is a chemical imbalance in the brain that any person could suffer from.  And it is very treatable.  My husband takes an antidepressent for anxiety.  Ha------------ do you know how I got him to accept that he needed help?  I talked about the sore neck muscles and pressure points he had. That is was all caused by stress and if he talked to someone, maybe he'd be more comfortable.  My husband went for it and now he is happier and feels better about life.  (and don't tell him------------ but I am a lot happier too!!)

I'd talk from the angle of talking to his medical doctor first---------  and work from the angle that he needs to feel better.  Make it about him.  I also have had talks with my husband about being a father.  I've sat down with him and not in a confrontational way --------- and asked how he wants his boys to see him?  He takes that question seriously.  If the conversation feels like my husband is becoming defensive, I'd not go there.  But if he is open at all, these types of questions make my husband think and become more motivated to make some changes.

I'll tell you the truth too.  My marriage was tough when my boys were tiny. We had more disagreements and issues--------  I was tired, he was tired.  Babies and kids are WONDERFUL ----  but add an element of stress to things when they are little due to their constant care, added finances that they require, etc.  Couples have less time for themselves and hence, it is easy to become less connected.  (Not all couples, but many go through this).  First, let me say that if you can weather through that period, it can get much better in a few short years.  My boys are now 6 and 7 and the past year of so, my husband and I have been reconnecting and issues have felt less intense and some are gone completely.  I'm more available to him because my kids require less of me.  He's less stressed out because the things that he had a harder time with (the baby stuff) are gone.  Does that make sense?  I think the early years of raising a family can be hard on a couple.

My husband was okay with the baby care but I did the brunt of it.  I was upset and exhausted one day and on the phone with my older sister.  She got very bossy and said "hey, he's the dad.  You hand him the baby and say, I'll be back in two hours and go take a break."   This was hard for me because I literally felt like the whole house would cave in if I were not there to hold it up.  But I tried it.  And ya know what--------------  my husband came through.  He did what he needed to do and the further reaching benefit was the bonding he had with the kids.  If you are not scheduling some time to leave him alone with your baby, I'd suggest trying it.  The house may be a disaster when you get back----------  but if you have happy baby and dad who did his part for the day, it is worth it.  Anyway, just a suggestion that worked for me-------- made my husband feel more connected to his children.

And-------  my husband also had trouble with work stress.  A counseling tip I can give you is if he acknowledges that he carries the stress home is to talk about compartmentalizing his life.  He comes home and sees that door knob into the house.  That is where he leaves work--------- at that door.  He can not carry his stress into the house with him.  Then you greet him with a hello and a hug/kiss (which is another therapy tip-------- even when you do not feel like it, greet him at the door with a warm hello) and give him 30 minutes cooling off time to do as he wishes.  Then say "here is baby, I'm making dinner " . . . or whatever.  Oh heck, I'm rambling----------- but I've done all of these things and they helped.

But----------big but------------ if he suffers from depression, that is going to cloud any of this.  So trying to get some help for that is your first step.  I do wish you luck and sorry if this was long winded.

Specialmom: you have some very good advice/tips here that I wish *I* had been given many years ago before my marriage got to the point it is now.

It's been a while since my last journal about our son and the relationship between my husband and I.

For those who have read my journals you might remember that my husband was so bitter and have come to a point that he wasn't even talking to me.

After writing my last lengthy journal and reading your comments and advises I was able to gather my thoughts and come out of *my* own resentment and bitterness I had towards him. Then I managed to totally ignore his bihaviour and as much as I hate to admit I stopped nagging him about it.
A few days later we chatted about this issue and I guess my stopped being a bi*tch towards him made him look differently at the whole picture. He totally softened up! :D
We have since bought a beautiful house and we were crazy busy packing/unpacking and finally settling in.

Over the past couple of weeks we have been laughing lots and my husband is palying and spending a lot of time with our son.
His issues with job is still there. But at least he manages to leave his issues at work and not bring it home to us.

Over the past month one my friend's husband passed away at a very young age and two of my friends' seperated from their husbands. Which broke my heart. Although leaving my husband was never a decision I even considered this past months me look at our marriage and lives differently. Life is too short to be spent fighting and arguing.

Thank you for all your comments and kind words to me. You were there when I needed that the most and when I was very much alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!



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