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Hiding behind the disease

Jun 29, 2011 - 0 comments



Heart Disease



Seven months ago I was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy with an EF of 35% with ventricular arrythmias secondary to the Cardiomyopathy. The Drs immediately started me on an ACE inhibitor, and a Beta blocker and told me it would improve after 6 months......I went in every month having different tests and my meds changed. I had a defibrillator put in 2 months ago and thought that was the least of my worries. At my 6 month check I went in expecting my EF to be back at 55% just like the Dr had said it would when they told me it had dropped to 29% I was meds were changed yet again. When i went to my 6 week check up with worsening symptoms I knew it wasn't good. The Dr said that it was definately worsening and looking to be more in the CHF stages. After going over my family's medical history the Dr is now thinking it was genetic. He put me on the highest dose of coreg (which makes me feel like death) changed a few other meds and has me going back next week for another echo. He says if it has not increased or has gotten worse I will have to be put on disability and sart preparing for a heart transplant......I am truely blessed to have a terrific support system and don't know what i would do without my friends and family. But the worse it gets and the harder i have to fight the weaker I feel, emotionaly,physically, and mentally. I find myself pushing people away and as my friends like to say "hiding behind the disease". At age 25, never having been married, never having had children I feel as though I am having everything taken away from me. Growing up I've always had a love for kids and now I can't have them....I don't feel right starting a relationship with anyone because there are always the what ifs.....and I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally. Even though I now it wouldnt be intentional. There are days where my faith and strength is so strong that I feel like I could conquer anything, and then there  are days where I feel as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel. And I get so frustrated hearing the words "your too young", "everything happens for a reason" and "God's plans are bigger than ours". I know they mean well, but it's still frustrating to me.

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