Jul 11, 2011
After 10 years of friendship with someone to just say goodbye in such an abrupt manner can leave one with so many questions. Now what? I've decided to try to stay here in North Carolina and try to make my life work here. Many people say that I've made the right decision to stay but, I wonder at times if I did. With no real skills to speak of and a criminal record that will definitely stop me from being able to get a respectable job I'm starting to wonder if I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. He was after all, my best friend. The one person that I've known for longer than I've known anyone other that my parents and maybe the one person that knows me more than anyone really does. I wonder if the life in Detroit would have worked. If I would have been able to make a life for myself up there. Could I have been a medical pot farmer? Could I have made the money that he said that we could have? Or, would it have all fallen apart like things did the last time that I followed him to another state. Would I have just ended up in jail or working some crappy job doing whatever he told me to do? I never should have let it get that far with him. I should have talked to him and told him that if he got things up and running and had things so that they were secure and I didn't have to worry about all of the issues with jobs and finding a house and his friend Richie and Benny and I' be down to give it a shot. I think at times that even if things didn't work out that at least I would have had fun before the whole bottom fell out from under us. Maybe I would have got laid or met a girl and found a job and things would've worked out for the best after all. Or, maybe not. The last time that I followed him blindly I almost went to prison and I can't afford to screw up like that again. In all reality, if his plan was going to work then it would have worked already and it hasn't worked at all so far. Still though, it would have been nice to see my friend. To take a shot of whiskey and have a few god laughs. To feel like I don't belong anywhere is a painful feeling that I wouldn't wish on many people and in looking around at all of the people that I know here in North Carolina, I don't really feel like I belong with any of them. Though i didn't feel like I belonged with him either. I don't drink like he does. I don't smoke pot. I don't want to live a life of prostitutes and crazy plans that never seem to produce anything other than more problems and a loss of money. I guess in some ways I'm glad that it's over. No more sleepless nights wondering what I'm going to do or if I'm going to move or not. No more stringing him along because I have no Idea what I'm going to do myself. I do look forward to the possibility of living on my own and not having to worry about who's going to be in my home when I get there. I think of how that may make things easier for me to get things done in my life. Yet at the same time, the feelings of loneliness and sorrow are very difficult to overcome. Though I'm only 25 years old, I am 25 years old. Years have gone by with no girlfriend and no real close relationship to speak of. I may have lost the one friend that I've had for longer than any friend that I've had. I may have thrown away a chance to make money and not have to spend the rest of my life working dead end miserable jobs. So even though I finally feel like I have closure, I still don't know what I feel more of. Relief or Regret?