All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Throwback

Jul 21, 2011 - 0 comments
Tags:

Pain

,

pregnant

,

Miscarriage

,

dnc

,

remember



I'm not sure why after so long I am bothering to write this.. I think it might be because I'm starting to forget someone I never got the chance to meet. The pain is still there, but the memory of the moment is fading and I wish it was the other way around. I found out that I was pregnant on August 19, 2010 at around 8 at night. I had taken a preg test at home at the insistence of my boyfriend. I of course, knew I couldn't be because it had just never happened for me with all the complications in my life. When the positive showed up I nearly choked. he grabbed a camera and snapped my reaction which you would have thought I had won the lottery. Those pictures are no longer in existence anymore. I waited a few days and took another test on the 24th because I saw some blood and like the stupid girl I was back then I thought that if it came up positive then everything would be fine. Things moved so fast... health department, doctors, test, and ultra sounds and lots of sleep. I think I may have only known about it for a week in a half and in that time I got see the heart beat and managed to tell my parents. I should have known better. It was a Wednesday when they couldn't find a heart beat. Thurdays yielded the same results and friday 9am  September 10, 2010 I walked in the hospital to have a DnC (operation to remove the baby). I woke up to the sound of a baby crying and in a daze desperately thought it was mine. I felt utterly empty and hollow. I had my boyfriends horrible mother there telling me how I should be happy things turned out this way and that it worked out fine and how now the baby wouldn't ruin her sons college life. He, of course, was shattered. I didn't even realize that I had forgotten so many detail... I always felt it was a boy and that's what I'm sticking with. I miss the son that I never got to meet. I always will

Post a Comment