All Journal Entries Journals

I saw my baby last night.

Jul 22, 2011 - 7 comments

It was the happiest and saddest night of my life.  I saw my baby, they were in my arms.  Hubby and I were ooing and aahing as they lay sleeping.  We were all headed for a bath.  We were getting the water just right and I just couldn't take my eyes off of this beautiful baby.  The eyes, the nose, the lips, the skin, just everything was SO perfect and it was mine.  Finally, MY Baby!  AND, it was a girl!! :)  Then something startled me and I woke up and I have NEVER cried so much.  I'm at such a low point in my life right now with my TTC and all these messed up cycles.  Being 21 DPO last month, being 23 DPO this month, constantly playing cruel tricks on me and then I had to dream this??  Why?? So it can all be taken away??   I just don't understand and I'm SO sick of not knowing why.  All of these longer cycles, longer DPO's are playing with my hopes and dreams and letting me down.  I'm falling further and further into this deep dark hopeless hole. After 12 yrs I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I just wished FOR ONCE, I could see a + pg test.  I've never even been that close.  Ugh!  Sorry for ranting, just in a mood here lately. :(  

This IS never ending. :(
Post a Comment
1676569 tn?1390274553
by Yanna26, Jul 22, 2011
Aww I understand how you feel and im praying for you that you get your BFP soon

1217293 tn?1467354344
by Risa615, Jul 22, 2011
Desarae- So sorry hun, been feeling blah lately myself.  I wish I could wave a wand and you would be having that baby now!!! What a beautiful dream, sorry it had to end.  It is better to cry and let it out.  I feel like that is what I have been doing lately.  I know I should be excited about impending IVF, but my chances of success are less than 5%, so I just have to take it one day at a time.  So, after your good cry is over, get back up and let's figure out what is going on with you.  

I am sure the stress of your mama being sick isn't helping.  How is she doing?  

Sending you lots of hugs,

1417531 tn?1365597725
by Hopeful4aBlessing, Jul 22, 2011
Oh Desarae- a big hug to you!!!! Perhaps the dream is a sign- a sign that you can't lose hope and that you're baby girl is out there and you CANNOT give up just yet! Here's to you getting your dream to come true and mountains of baby dust to you!!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jul 22, 2011
Thank you so much Yanna!

AWw Risa, I know.   It's an awful feeling.  I just pray you finally get your BFP once and for all !!  My mom is doing ALOT better thank you so much for asking.  She can do just about anything now so that takes alot of stress off of me.  I'm still there though for the things she can't do.  Ty for asking.  I'm praying for you too Risa!  Sending many of them your way and lots of hugs!!

Thank you so much Hopeful.  That's a wonderful way to look at it, thank you for pointing that out and thanks for the baby dust.  

I really really appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement.

1302038 tn?1439575232
by TinaR10, Jul 22, 2011
I understand where ur coming from I have been dreaming all month i was giving birth but now I am 3 days late and nothing but BFN's so I totally feel u. We just gotta stay strong :) even though its hard we gotta pray and ask GOD for the strength to get threw this

Avatar universal
by dadscaregiver, Jul 23, 2011
Des_a_rae and TinaR10

I will be praying for both of you. I have a best friend that went through the same thing. Her and her husband tried for years and finally decided to adopt , they had wanted a little girl but an opportunity arose for them to adopt a little boy from a family member that could not afford to have another child. They were so busy falling in love with their new little boy that they didnt even think about getting pregnant. They had so much to learn because they wanted to be the best parents in the world. Viola, the next month she was pregnant. The doctor said that many times the stress of wanting a child so badly and dealing with the disappointment of not being able to conceive adds even more stress and stress can actually change your body chemistry. Once they had a child their stress about getting pregnant had diminished as they dedicated themselves to their new found love. Suddenly and miraculously the next month her dreams came true. They absolutely could not believe it.. 9 months later she had her precious little girl.  Im not saying for you to adopt but just try to believe that your dreams WILL come true and that God WILL preform a miracle for both of you. Be positive and thank God each and every day, letting him know that you believe in him and and that you will wait patiently for your miracle. Dont be upset if you dont get pregnant. Just know that God has a plan for you and he knows when the time is right. I wish the best for you both and will remember you in my prayers. I hope that you dont mind me commenting but reading your posts brought back so many memories of the hours of anquish that I spent with my best friend.  I also remember the tears of joy when we got the good news. Your good news will come. Please believe.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Jul 24, 2011
Thank you SO much for sharing your story!  It really is heartbreaking to have to go through something like this, month after month, year after year.  It just seems never ending, like there isn't a light at the end of my TTC tunnel. I really do appreciate you sharing though and your kind words.  My moms friend actually has a similiar one.  She was in her 40's and they finally decided to adopt and they hadn't had their son for a full year yet and found out she was pregnant, at 42!  :)  It's just so hard to forget and not stress.  I feel like after being married 12 yrs if I stop now and just kinda "give up" that it might not ever happen.  The first 6 yrs of my marriage we were just "if it happens it happens".  Well it didn't and then I got more aggressive with it and here I am now, 12 yrs later.  It carries so many emotions, heartbreak, doubt, hopelessness, anger etc. etc. I'm sure you know, as your dealings with your friend.  I just wished I had someone here like yourself that I could actually talk to and have to stand with me.  I honestly feel alone because I don't want to worry my mom with it.  She's sooo excited and if I had a child it would be her first grandchild. I feel like my husband just don't understand.  So much pressure also. Anyways, sorry for rambling. Thank you so much!!  Take care! :)

Post a Comment