Jul 26, 2011
This is it. This may be my last chance to get my life together. I feel like I may have made a huge mistake by staying in North Carolina. I don't even know how I feel. Like I don't belong here. Like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I wouldn't have been able to make a life in Detroit but, I just don't feel like I can make a life here either. I'm so lonely. I'm glad to have a chance to have my own apartment with privacy and a place that I can call my own and at the same time I wonder if the solitude will become to much. I can't organize my thoughts and I can't ever seem to get anything done so I can't help but wonder if this is all just a wast of time. I don't know what to say. I'm so tired. I feel like I could sleep for days. It's so strange how some days I feel like I can conquer the world and others I feel like I should just swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and just be done with it. I feel like I'm just not quite right. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I'm always just outside the real world just a bit. Like I won't ever be able to find my place. I get these small glimpses of life on the other side. I get to meet successful people and beautiful women. I get to FEEL what it would be like to be on the other side but, just can't seem to get there. I wanted to live with Kieth in Detroit but, I also wanted my own personal space. I haven't got to come home and have a house to myself in a looooooooong time and I really do feel at times that if I had that I could get a lot more done in my life than if I lived in other people's houses and always had people around even when I felt like being alone. I do feel at times that I would have been happy in Detroit growing weed legally and yet, I can't help but think that in all reality, that isn't me. I may not know a lot about myself but I do know for sure that I am not a pot head. I don't have anything against those who are but, I really don't think that I could have lived around people that lived like that and been happy. I enjoy working out and going to the park and those are the people that I need to be around. I just don't know how to get there. I should be exited though!!! For the first time ever in my life I have an apartment all to myself. I should be happy!!! My father seems to on some level understand the emotional struggle that I'm going through and want to help me as much as he can. I should have high hopes!!! With this move comes a chance to start a new life and maybe meet new people. But those aren't the things that I'm thinking right now. All I'm thinking of is how bad I feel asking my dad for help. I feel like he shouldn't have to help his loser son. I feel lonely. I just don't know how to say it other than that. I don't want to never feel the closeness of a woman again. I don't want to spend every Saturday night by myself wondering what if on so many of the things that I didn't do and so many of the thing I did do wrong. There is an old saying, ''the night is always darkest just before the dawn.'' I guess that means that things will sometimes be at their worst before they get better. My father said that to me the other day when I was thinking that very thing and it did make me wonder if that was a sign of good things to come. The life that I live really is no life worth living. I really am the only one that can change that though. I have to take this all one step at a time and remember that it did take a long time for things to get this bad and I can't just fix them over night. I've made a lot of mistakes and I'll make many more but, I can't keep making the same ones. If I do then I'm not learning. I can't be scared to take chances as long as I'm not risking going to jail. The only thing that I regret more than those decisions are when I didn't take the chances that I should have. Talking to that girl. Taking that job. Asking for help sooner. I'm about to start a year lease. One year can be the blink of an eye or an eternity. One year to get on the right path. One year to see if I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and forge my own path. One year. One life. One last chance.