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today,  7/28/11

Jul 29, 2011 - 1 comments

For those who don't know i am somewhere over 30 days clean vic and on day three of my cig detox....as i write this the end of day three is but one hour away...i am a single father, no girlfriend...good friends who surround me and a great relationship with my daughter, but i do have my personal demos in nicotine and opiate addiction...opiate on an off for the last four or five yrs...nicotine steady for the last 25 years...pack a day smoker....
this last month or so has been an adventure for me in general with a new movement in sobriety off of pills, followed up a by a new an meaningful/at times trying friendship (trying due to distance and form of communications)...not nature of friendship...
after stopping pills i have been very introspective as to the natue of the life i am living and decided that the final piece to a better me is the need to stop the nicotine addiction ( i decided it is in so many way restrictive to the my life...im a closed smoker, paranoid about stinking, getting caught by my colleagues or my child, most of whom didn't know i smoke...anhow...i found i spent a lot of time issolated at home with my smoker friends and avoiding doing things withother varieties of people because i dont' want them to know i smoke...(i am rambling, i realize that)...is spend my time at home smoking my night away till bed time, wake tired becuse smokere sleep ****** yada yada yada...so i decided that as most of my smoker friends were gone fo the last weekk and due to he way i was feeling about the whole quagmire...i would stop my next addiction...the dreaded marlboro pack a day...six bucks, twenty times a day poisoning myself on purpose just to be in withdrawl twenty minutes after last puff...seriously, the high couldnp; last longer?  anyhow...tried Monday of this week to stop...catasrophe...horrible day...end up smoking 14 that nigh (in a maner of about eight hours....so on to tuesday, better opportunit...sressless day spend with nice nonsmoking family out on a boat...woke that morn, no cigs in house so could start the da wtih St. Nic...made it all day, on the boat and tubing nver desired a smoke...arrived home with jill, the kid i own, and dealt with and issue she had at her moms (serious stuff, some of what lead the breakdown monday)...we cleared the air on a walk through the hood and had one our best talks ever, my daughter...the closed book of 11.5 yrs, opened up to me for the first time ever about her deeper emotions...we talked about honesty issues...it was good... i broke down after yelling at her about trust, honesty and integrity my own short comings...i was hiding and lying my cig smoking from her...(i had to tell her...i was too jittery in wd not too and i needed her to know why dad was short temptered etc...she acted really cool about it (huge surprise, i was sure to be up sh1t alley with no paddle) as a lettdown and dissappointed...so plesed with that outcoem....i believeor convo was cathartic that day...relationship mo betta...
LONG HISTORY...SORRY


today was just a really good day for me...I began the day having to go to work for the first time in almost two months ( theach)  we got to work with kids todya and felt it went well...we accomplished our goals and my student always gimmie a freaking charge...they make me feel vital and loved...tey are what feed my tiny ego...

anyhow...that part ended an i head home, take care of chores...send out email...dropped steve's dog off with steves mom, its' all good...on way home hit the mexican restraunt...have a great meal. communicated with my exes dauther, who i do stuff with occasionaly...got her to come over and go for a country ride with me...she was game...I love Simone like my own child...she eve lived with me for a year...we are good friends...

se jumped in my car and took every back road i could find througout the mother lode are of Knight's Ferry, Ca...Valley home...and the general foothils which have sharp clome and drop hill that are a tummy thrill when taking it fast...simonewas roller coaster mode andloving it, we played some ac/Dc (bon only) an actually got air over one hill, which scred me much less that i thinkg it shoulld...i love in beaut outside of my city and really enjouyed our two hour tour...almost died...saw an Eagle...drove fast for fun...saw two dear, a camel and a zonkey (cross of donkey and zebra)...cranked the tunes, played some beck and dire straits...i ramble this am not sure it's cohesive to you...but i had a hell of day!  still no smokes or pills and feeling great




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Avatar universal
by selfinduced, Jul 29, 2011
Good Morning Rush, I've been wondering how the stop smoking was going. Man, what a productive summer you have had! Really amazing the diligence you posses in knocking off your irritants, one by one. First off losing the pill addiction is monumental, SOOOO proud of you. Now giving up a longterm smoking habit. This will long be remembered as a summer of growth and strength. Your daughter is very lucky to have a role model like you as well as your ex's girl. Sounds like you have had the parent thing down and now earned her trust as a confidant as a bonus. Very cool. Just wanted to say, besides your hysterical post...(you, kmo, cleanitup, and mr newhope need to go on the road, soo freekin funny), you ARE such an inspiration and seeing what needs to change in your life and accomplishing it. Enjoy those kiddos this year that you'll be teaching, you sure have a lot to impress on them. So glad you are in such a good place!

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