All Journal Entries Journals

What Have I Done?

Aug 10, 2011 - 0 comments

Boy, I thought that things would be different. Then again, how often on my life have things ever really worked out the way that I thought they would. I thought having my own place would make the wold of difference. I thought that if I had a place in the world that was my own I could have some semblance of peace. I thought that if I stayed here in North Carolina that I'd be able to start a path to a successful and some what normal life. Now all I wonder is if that was all wrong. Was Detroit my last chance at making a come up? This is no way to live!!! Time continues to go on and I stay the same. Still alone every Saturday night and still at this terrible dead end job. Still have no confidence in myself or in my abilities. Scared to try because I'm scared to fail. Still have no idea who I am. The only thing that I enjoy is my time at the gym. The thought of being a personal trainer comes and goes. There are times when I feel that I could do that and not only make a decent living but, get to help others. Other times I can't imagine having enough skills to do something like that. I guess I'll never know unless I try. I just get so angry sometimes! I get so tired of being around people and I just want a job that I wouldn't involve being nice to people all day. I'm no personal trainer! I'm nothing. I've spent my life trying to figure out what I am and I think I finally figured it out. I'm nothing. I'm just a shadow of a real person. My place is alone and always in the darkness. It will be 3 years this spring since I've had sex. Three years! Wow. When you say it like that, it sounds pretty ******* bad. I've met some attractive girls and could never get to that point where I feel comfortable with them. I can't even ask a girl out on a date. They say that time heals all wounds. Bull ****! Scars don't go away. They stay as a constant reminder of what happened and how bad it hurt. They act as a constant reminder of pain. I can't imagine trying to recover from another rejection. I guess I never really developed the tough skin required to do that. I am glad that Kieth's doing well though. He has been a good friend and I think he understands why I didn't come to Detroit. Though, as more time passes and summer turns to Fall, I start to wonder if I made a big mistake. I hope that I didn't throw away a chance to make a lot of money and finally have someone to have fun with to stay here and just continue living this miserable life. I know that in the end it's really up to me to make the changes and move forward but, the thought of a lifetime alone really seems to keep me from making that next step. I have to stop thinking like that. I have to be positive. I have to keep trying. The only real failure is in not trying. The things that I regret the most are the times I didn't take the chances that could have turned out to be good positive things. I feel so angry all the time. I know that in all reality I'm just angry at myself and I take it out on other people. I like some things about North Carolina. I really do. I like the weather. It's great to know that I can still do things outside for the next few months. I like having my own apartment. My own little space in the world. I've never had that before and it's a great feeling. Still, I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake. I'm not really built to do something in the fitness industry because I lack the confidence in myself to believe that I can teach others. I am very lonely. The few friends that I have seem to live a very different life than I do. Either potheads, video game junkies, or older married couples with kids. The times in my life that I make the most money really are when I was selling weed. I can't keep working at some ******* deli dealing with a bunch of corporate *** wholes. I can't. I won't. So, in all reality, was it worth it to stay here? It will be if I get my life together. It will be if I can find some way to find my place in the world. The fact is though, North Carolina isn't a state that makes it easy for people with any kind of criminal record to live. I do like the weather but, I live in an area that requires a lot of money to live in. Having my own place is great but, how long will it last? The fact that it is once again Sunday and I spent the night wondering the streets alone again has me wondering if I made the right decision. People need people and no matter what I try to tell myself, I can't live a lonely life for much longer. School, work, and healthy social events are where I need to go to better myself and meet the kind of people that I want in my life but can I do it? Can I make a life for myself? Or will I fall for the last time and not be able to get up. These are just a few of the questions that run through my head every day. I second guess myself on everything. My life here isn't any fun and it would have been nice to have a wing man. A friend of ten years to laugh and drink with. To maybe even make a lot of money with.Growing weed legally! More than any of the questions that run through my head, there is one that's really starting to get to me. What have I done?

Post a Comment