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What a day yesterday!!

Aug 11, 2011 - 4 comments

ok ladies I'm in desperate need of support on this one- BRUTALLY honest comments are very much appreciated!

My day yesterday was a complete roller coaster- about as chaotic as the beta roller coaster and the rush to wait with infertility phone calls.... I come into work and it's a typical day.... nothing different, same crap temp job where they treat me like a 3rd world citizen but I just smile, say my hellos and countdown the minutes until I can leave to do it again tomorrow. Anyways, so last night on my way home from work I had planned on going to the grocery store to pick up some items we needed. I made a courtesy phone call to my husband asking him if there was anything specific he would like me to pick up from the store. He started saying something and then THE ONE DAY HE GETS HOME BEFORE ME, says, 'oh what's this? Is this for.... OMG ' and he starts like this crazy laughter... I'm asking him what, thinking 'oh hell, no it didn't'.... but it did. Yep, his anniversary gift came two weeks early and was sitting on our front porch for the world to see- there was no hiding or surprising him anymore- the cat was out of the bag! So, here I am on the phone with him, not knowing what to say so I tell him, I'm coming home and hang up. Sure enough I come home and on the porch- 3 huge boxes all saying 'Bowflex' on them... I just walked up to the porch with him grinning ear to ear reading and re-reading the boxes all the while he's saying 'Are THESE for me?' I simply looked at him and said, Well, this wasn't how I wanted to surprise you, but Happy Anniversary to my Iron man!' He was SHOCKED and said, "OMG, 6th year is iron and this is what you bought for me- that's so awesome- thanks!' I get the biggest hug ever and he's as happy as can be! I told him well, before you can use them (they are the select tech dumbbells with stand to use with his P90X workouts) he better take them in the house... he tries lifting the boxes which weigh a lil' much... quite the workout before the workout, but anyways, he gets the boxes inside and then looks at me and says 'Wait a minute, I thoguht we agreed NOT to do gifts because we're going up north instead' I just looked at him with the straightest face as I possibly could and told him that I didn't think that was going to be an option anymore because I got offered a full time permanent position today!!!! He was ELATED! I went on a job interview last week and was hopeful to get the job- it's more money, closer to home, flexible hours, and a job I could love instantly- working with paint!!! A paint Chemist!! I know this sounds a bit nerdy but how great to go to work and play with paint everyday- just very exciting!!! Plus, flex time, and a decent salary- still not what I feel I'm worth but a much shorter drive than what I currently have and benefits!! So, who WOULDN'T take it?! So, after hearing that AND having his new toy I thought he was going to jump out of his skin! He was so happy!!!

He then decides he willing to shop with me really quick so we can get home to eat dinner and he can put his toy together. Okay fine sound great. Anyways, we progress through the night and he's just so happy that I got him such a great gift- he wouldnt' shut up about it! I was just happy to see he liked it. I knew he'd use it but I wasn't expecting him to be so giddy about it. Anywho, so it's going on 9pm and I'm watching brainless tv while he's got all of the parts on the living room floor and I get a phone call from a girl who used to be best friends with in high school. I'll give all of you the background with her.... best friends in high school- her mom died when we were in 3rd grade. She has many siblings and her dad is her EVERYTHNIG. Well, she got married a couple of years after we did to this dead beat. Fast forward a few years, her dad is in a horrific farming accident and is killed. At her dad's funeral,  she found out her husband was cheating on her with a mutual friend of theirs. She leaves him immediately with nothing more than the clothes on her back because everything else is tainted,she says, and moves in with her sister, bil, and their 3 kids in their single wide trailer. She has worked at Burger King since high school and thankfully still is employed there however, she calls me typically only when she needs money. I have told her a thousand times, I'd love to help you out however I can but I can't just give you a blank check. She got really upset with me about 2.5rs ago right before I lost my last job b/c I wasn't willing to fork over $3K that she wanted and hasn't spoken to me since. She was into some very self destructive activities and going all crazy with men, partying, drugs, sex, just wild and crazy things that I'm not into. She accused me of being an 'old fart who's been married too long and doesn't know how to have fun anymore' but whatever. That type of behavior just isn't me. Anyways, so last night she calls out of the blue. I didn't answer but decided I'd send her a text. She was telling me about how she's been really sick and instanty I felt HORRIBLE. Like, OMG, how could I be a friend, despite all that's happened and here she's telling me she's really sick...then the ball drops. She proceeds to tell me she's been sick all summer long because she's expecting Jan 23rd and she's really hoping that since we're friends that I'd be willing to throw her a 'kick *** shower'! She then proceeds to tell me how she's been feeling lonely and decided that she needed to have a child to complete her since they are more dependable than a man....and how she went on a wild spree and has no clue to who the father of her child is. She then asked if we were still trying. I told her 'yes.' But couldn't say anything else as I'm just reading as she goes on and on... she then tells me that if I just relaxed a little and had some fun like she did that I'd be pregnant in no time! I was floored. I was so crushed. Here she knew we'd been trying for years- she knew about my endo issues, surgeries, and how we were doing ivf. How could someone call themselves a friend and then say those things to me all while asking me to throw her a baby shower! I was hurt, mad, and just deflated. I know people are going to get pregnant and I know it's difficult for infertiles to hear, witness and go through... but how do I cope with this in the meantime!? I mean, I can't hate every person for them being blessed with the thing I strive for everyday, every month with every period pure heart ache! I need your gals help in how to deal, cope, manage this stress- conviently shortly before another ivf round... timing is impecable! HELP!!!! Everyone around is becoming pregnant and I try not to become bitter but it's hard, it's getting really hard. I struggle with the lack of my ability to get this for myself but how do I sit on the sidelines after hearing of her wreckless behavior and then I'm expected to just be happy for her? How? How can I realistically do that? I am happy for those who get their dreams of becoming a mother, I really do, but how do I remain strong and hopeful that my time is near when each month passes by and more 'friends' come out of the woodwork almost shaming me because they have something I don't. I'm really bitter that she's a ***** and expects me to just 'chill' and it'll just happen for the both of us. Sorry I know I sound like an ungrateful *****- but I'm sick of people telling me to 'enjoy my married life because kids are a pain' or whatever. I'm ready, I'm willing and I'd graciously accept children- and all of the responsibility and sleepless nights that come along with it! I just think I'm being slowly chipped away....... thoughts please.....thanks and many hugs!

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1416390 tn?1333905204
by globetrot, Aug 11, 2011
Sometimes you out-grow friends, it is a fact of life but you hang on because of the past.  She is very insensitive to you and I think you need to break up with her!  Let her go.  Just let her live her life and you live yours.  I know that sounds harsh- but it sounds like you do all the giving and she does all the taking and that is not friendship.  She is also on a path that you can not do anything about.  Let's just hope she cleans up her act while she is pregnant.  I do not see anything in your journal where she asked about you, your life, your job, your health, your path to motherhood, or anything about you.  What's more her expectaion of money from you is not friendship.  Baby showers can be expensive- it is something that should be offered- not asked for by the Mom-to-be- she should not expect you to have a shower.  If you end up doing one- just meet at a restaurant with the expectaion everyone will pay for their own meal.  I do not think you should feel obligated.  Just tell her you are starting a new job and you can not do it.  I do not think you owe her much of an explaination since you did not offer to do it.  Hang in there.

As far as the jealousy- we have all been there.  Two of my best friends were pregnant while i was having failed cycle afer failed cycle!  I was having a baby shower and it was tough- and I was thrilled for my friends.  It was hard for me to see people complain about pregnancy or get pregnant without really wanting it.  Everyone is on their own path.  It is very normal to feel what you are feeling.  Please be kind to yourself.

It does sound like she is rubbing the pregnancy in your face a little- perhaps she is jealous of you.  She sounds a little passive/aggresive to me!

Hang in there!  Hugs to you and please be kind to yourself.  Allow yourself the emotions you are feeling!  This is a frustrating process- you do not need frustrating people in your life.  You have a great marriage- you are on the path to motherhood and I think you should surround yourself with positive people and not things that will stress you!

1647475 tn?1363140697
by Kimberleigh2208, Aug 11, 2011
I know it's hard to let "friends" go after you've known them so long and been through so much with them but I think you need to let this girl go.  She has a lot of issues that will continue to exhaust and deplete your energy and time (and money it sounds like) and she is being pretty thoughtless by saying those things to you about "just relax, it'll happen!"  That speech pisses me off like no other (besides the, "kids are stressful, enjoy your single/married life while you can").  It's unfair to think she would completely know what it's like to be in your shoes but she obviously has NO tact or sympathy when it comes down to it and you have every right (in my opinion) to call her out on it.  I would not want to throw a baby shower for this girl if I were you and going through what you're going through and you can excuse not wanting to do it based on money or on the fact that she just doesn't deserve it (though I would be too chicken to say that last excuse!).  Sorry, this whole thing with her makes me angry FOR you as I will never understand why people like her are blessed with children when they are making bad decisions left and right and rarely does having a child make them see the error of their ways.  So anyway, I am with you on this whole thing whatever your decision may be.  Guess I'm being a little brutal towards her, especially since you say she knows your situation and blows it off like it's "just stress" keeping you from getting pregnant.  After finding out one of my good friends has Stage 3 Endo yesterday and knowing how rude her sister was being to her about "freaking out about every little thing with TTC," it makes me want to beat the crap out of people who don't have any tact on the TTC situation!  Whoo-- you got this pregnant woman all riled up Steph!

Well, you can be nice and throw her the shower if you want but I wouldn't do it.  As a compromise, maybe tell her you'll co-host it with someone else but that you can't afford (time or money or whatever) to have it at your place or do it all.  At least then you won't be the only one doing something nice for someone who probably won't appreciate the blessing she's been given.  I hope I'm wrong about her and that she turns her life around and is an excellent mother but this stuff makes me sick.  I'll support you no matter what you decide but the above is just my opinion of course (since you asked).  

Good luck!

461842 tn?1332292847
by sarbear11, Aug 12, 2011
This may be hard to hear, but in my opinion, you do not need her as a friend. She seems to be VERY selfish, heartless, and unempathetic.
I understand that people who have never struggled with trying to concieve have no idea what its like or the rollar coster ride of emotions that we go through...but her words were completely hurtful. She seems to only want (not need) you for a friend when its convienient for her. That's not a good foundation for a friendship.
If you are able to find the right words, I would politely take the high road and tell her that you cannot throw her a shower, you wish her the best, and then just let her fade out of your life. You do not need anymore stress in your life. TTC is hard enough especially goingv thru IVF.

Again, this is all my opinion, but I think its what's best for you and your DH.
Best wishes~~~

1647475 tn?1363140697
by Kimberleigh2208, Aug 16, 2011
Hey Stephanie, What did you decide to do here?  No judging of your decision will be made, I'm just curious how you handled it.


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