Aug 11, 2011
ok ladies I'm in desperate need of support on this one- BRUTALLY honest comments are very much appreciated!
My day yesterday was a complete roller coaster- about as chaotic as the beta roller coaster and the rush to wait with infertility phone calls.... I come into work and it's a typical day.... nothing different, same crap temp job where they treat me like a 3rd world citizen but I just smile, say my hellos and countdown the minutes until I can leave to do it again tomorrow. Anyways, so last night on my way home from work I had planned on going to the grocery store to pick up some items we needed. I made a courtesy phone call to my husband asking him if there was anything specific he would like me to pick up from the store. He started saying something and then THE ONE DAY HE GETS HOME BEFORE ME, says, 'oh what's this? Is this for.... OMG ' and he starts like this crazy laughter... I'm asking him what, thinking 'oh hell, no it didn't'.... but it did. Yep, his anniversary gift came two weeks early and was sitting on our front porch for the world to see- there was no hiding or surprising him anymore- the cat was out of the bag! So, here I am on the phone with him, not knowing what to say so I tell him, I'm coming home and hang up. Sure enough I come home and on the porch- 3 huge boxes all saying 'Bowflex' on them... I just walked up to the porch with him grinning ear to ear reading and re-reading the boxes all the while he's saying 'Are THESE for me?' I simply looked at him and said, Well, this wasn't how I wanted to surprise you, but Happy Anniversary to my Iron man!' He was SHOCKED and said, "OMG, 6th year is iron and this is what you bought for me- that's so awesome- thanks!' I get the biggest hug ever and he's as happy as can be! I told him well, before you can use them (they are the select tech dumbbells with stand to use with his P90X workouts) he better take them in the house... he tries lifting the boxes which weigh a lil' much... quite the workout before the workout, but anyways, he gets the boxes inside and then looks at me and says 'Wait a minute, I thoguht we agreed NOT to do gifts because we're going up north instead' I just looked at him with the straightest face as I possibly could and told him that I didn't think that was going to be an option anymore because I got offered a full time permanent position today!!!! He was ELATED! I went on a job interview last week and was hopeful to get the job- it's more money, closer to home, flexible hours, and a job I could love instantly- working with paint!!! A paint Chemist!! I know this sounds a bit nerdy but how great to go to work and play with paint everyday- just very exciting!!! Plus, flex time, and a decent salary- still not what I feel I'm worth but a much shorter drive than what I currently have and benefits!! So, who WOULDN'T take it?! So, after hearing that AND having his new toy I thought he was going to jump out of his skin! He was so happy!!!
He then decides he willing to shop with me really quick so we can get home to eat dinner and he can put his toy together. Okay fine sound great. Anyways, we progress through the night and he's just so happy that I got him such a great gift- he wouldnt' shut up about it! I was just happy to see he liked it. I knew he'd use it but I wasn't expecting him to be so giddy about it. Anywho, so it's going on 9pm and I'm watching brainless tv while he's got all of the parts on the living room floor and I get a phone call from a girl who used to be best friends with in high school. I'll give all of you the background with her.... best friends in high school- her mom died when we were in 3rd grade. She has many siblings and her dad is her EVERYTHNIG. Well, she got married a couple of years after we did to this dead beat. Fast forward a few years, her dad is in a horrific farming accident and is killed. At her dad's funeral, she found out her husband was cheating on her with a mutual friend of theirs. She leaves him immediately with nothing more than the clothes on her back because everything else is tainted,she says, and moves in with her sister, bil, and their 3 kids in their single wide trailer. She has worked at Burger King since high school and thankfully still is employed there however, she calls me typically only when she needs money. I have told her a thousand times, I'd love to help you out however I can but I can't just give you a blank check. She got really upset with me about 2.5rs ago right before I lost my last job b/c I wasn't willing to fork over $3K that she wanted and hasn't spoken to me since. She was into some very self destructive activities and going all crazy with men, partying, drugs, sex, just wild and crazy things that I'm not into. She accused me of being an 'old fart who's been married too long and doesn't know how to have fun anymore' but whatever. That type of behavior just isn't me. Anyways, so last night she calls out of the blue. I didn't answer but decided I'd send her a text. She was telling me about how she's been really sick and instanty I felt HORRIBLE. Like, OMG, how could I be a friend, despite all that's happened and here she's telling me she's really sick...then the ball drops. She proceeds to tell me she's been sick all summer long because she's expecting Jan 23rd and she's really hoping that since we're friends that I'd be willing to throw her a 'kick *** shower'! She then proceeds to tell me how she's been feeling lonely and decided that she needed to have a child to complete her since they are more dependable than a man....and how she went on a wild spree and has no clue to who the father of her child is. She then asked if we were still trying. I told her 'yes.' But couldn't say anything else as I'm just reading as she goes on and on... she then tells me that if I just relaxed a little and had some fun like she did that I'd be pregnant in no time! I was floored. I was so crushed. Here she knew we'd been trying for years- she knew about my endo issues, surgeries, and how we were doing ivf. How could someone call themselves a friend and then say those things to me all while asking me to throw her a baby shower! I was hurt, mad, and just deflated. I know people are going to get pregnant and I know it's difficult for infertiles to hear, witness and go through... but how do I cope with this in the meantime!? I mean, I can't hate every person for them being blessed with the thing I strive for everyday, every month with every period pure heart ache! I need your gals help in how to deal, cope, manage this stress- conviently shortly before another ivf round... timing is impecable! HELP!!!! Everyone around is becoming pregnant and I try not to become bitter but it's hard, it's getting really hard. I struggle with the lack of my ability to get this for myself but how do I sit on the sidelines after hearing of her wreckless behavior and then I'm expected to just be happy for her? How? How can I realistically do that? I am happy for those who get their dreams of becoming a mother, I really do, but how do I remain strong and hopeful that my time is near when each month passes by and more 'friends' come out of the woodwork almost shaming me because they have something I don't. I'm really bitter that she's a ***** and expects me to just 'chill' and it'll just happen for the both of us. Sorry I know I sound like an ungrateful *****- but I'm sick of people telling me to 'enjoy my married life because kids are a pain' or whatever. I'm ready, I'm willing and I'd graciously accept children- and all of the responsibility and sleepless nights that come along with it! I just think I'm being slowly chipped away....... thoughts please.....thanks and many hugs!