Aug 25, 2011
This past four months have been tumultuous to say the least. Selling equipment and glass has taken everything I have and more. Happy to sell but cognitively extremely difficult, with invoicing, packaging and re-billing. Many mistakes. I used to be so smart, I feel that I have lost 20 points on my IQ. It's been such a humbling experience.
I am grateful to have made some medical strides that are helping, and grateful to have my MS diagnosis in black and white--------now for the second time. Receiving my sleep apnea equipment has helped and my pain level is lower so I don't need the same amount of narcotics I was taking.
I have also worked to heal significant family relationships. My long lost sister responded to my letter, it was a wonderful thing and I am so greatful, I may not hear from her again, but she said that she loved me!! It will never be what it was 20 years ago, but I do have the one letter. My relationship with my sister-in-law has also been mended. We have written to each other. These are two miracles.
So, I am bewildered as to why I now feel such despair and so alone. I have no children and no spouse, I will never get used to sleeping alone. Everything has become so dark. I go to bed with such dread, such aloneness. I just feel so profoundly sad and wonder why I am still here. I feel such darkness around me.
I am again that little girl who was violated in the worst of ways, Criminal things were done to me as a child and teenager and I will never get over it. I am trying to forgive but I want to know why. How can I forgive? Can God help me to truly forgive. Why was I sexually molested, why did my mother hurt me. The ones I adored the most, that I loved with all my heart------took my heart and smashed it into so many pieces. The mocking, hitting and words that cut through me. I am just nothing. I would have given my life for them. Now they are gone and I still ache for them, that they would come and love me the way I needed them to.
I would still give my life for them.
I am that shattered girl again, sitting on a chair at the edge of the playground while the others played.
My soul just aches an I am torn. I cry and no one hears me. I can't find my way