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Aug 25, 2011 - 3 comments

This past four months have been tumultuous to say the least.  Selling equipment and glass has taken everything I have and more.  Happy to sell but cognitively extremely difficult, with invoicing, packaging and re-billing.  Many mistakes.  I used to be so smart, I feel that I have lost 20 points on my IQ.  It's been such a humbling experience.

I am grateful to have made some medical strides that are helping, and grateful to have my MS diagnosis in black and white--------now for the second time.  Receiving my sleep apnea equipment has helped and my pain level is lower so I don't need the same amount of narcotics I was taking.

I have also worked to heal significant family relationships.  My long lost sister responded to my letter, it was a wonderful thing and I am so greatful, I may not hear from her again, but she said that she loved me!!  It will never be what it was 20 years ago, but I do have the one letter.  My relationship with my sister-in-law has also been mended.  We have written to each other.  These are two miracles.

So, I am bewildered as to why I now feel such despair and so alone.  I have no children and no spouse,  I will never get used to sleeping alone.  Everything has become so dark.  I go to bed with such dread, such aloneness.  I just feel so profoundly sad and wonder why I am still here.  I feel such darkness around me.  

I am again that little girl who was violated in the worst of ways, Criminal things were done to me as a child and teenager and I will never get over it.  I am trying to forgive but I want to know why.  How can I forgive?  Can God help me to truly forgive.  Why was I sexually molested, why did my mother hurt me.  The ones I adored the most, that I loved with all my heart------took my heart and smashed it into so many pieces.  The mocking, hitting and words that cut through me.  I am just nothing.  I would have given my life for them.  Now they are gone and I still ache for them, that they would come and love me the way I needed them to.  

I would still give my life for them.  

I am that shattered girl again, sitting on a chair at the edge of the playground while the others played.  

My soul just aches an I am torn. I cry and no one hears me.  I can't find my way

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1225331 tn?1333365769
by kelly97, Aug 25, 2011
Awwhhh, Lois, I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad right now. I'm glad that you are here and you really do bring brightness to people's lives here on the forum - including me.  I know it hurts when you think back to the time when those who are supposed to love and protect you, are the ones who hurt you.  I know first-hand the mixed bundle of emotions that comes with all of that.  When you're feeling alone, you can let your mind wander back to those dark places. You don't want to go down that road again, do you?  It may be difficult to do, but you have to try to fight against going down that path. You are not NOTHING! You are SOMEONE!!  Don't let them continue to take away from you. You can't change what has happened, but you CAN direct where you go from here.  

I thought that I had to go to counseling for all of the things that I went through when I was a kid. When I did end up going, though, at least for me, I found that thinking about it all the time just made things so much more worse for me.  I had to say to myself, that it's not happening to me anymore, and I have to move on and live my life.  You know what I mean?  I know that everyone is different in how they deal with things and process through things in their life. That's just what I ended having to do to help me.  

I hope that you can try to focus on the good things in your life and try to think positive.  It does sound like a lot of things in your family are starting to turn around for you - with your sister and your sister-in-law.  And you have a black & white DX now (again) of MS.  
I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts...and lots of hugs,

1312898 tn?1314568133
by RedFlame, Aug 26, 2011
You're so sweet Kelly!  Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.  I think your right, I need to remember where I came from but keep moving forward.  I think I get triggered  by something, or perhaps just become too tired and then I resort to old behaviors and thinking.  Like you said, those things are over and aren't happening now.and it's time again to let go.  

I did therapy for so many years.  In my case, I was unable to access those feelings and they needed to be retrieved.  It took a long time and allot of work.  But, therapy isn't the path that everyone takes.

It's so darn expensive too:)

Thank you again Kelly,  I will keep moving forward, focusing on the growth that have been gained.

Hugs,  Lois

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by dyinginpain, Sep 07, 2011
Hi Lois,
Was checking on my latest post & saw yours on the sidebar. Guess I was meant to see.  Brought tears to my eyes!  My daughter just started college today but we have gone down a similar road.  She came to me when she was 10 telling me her father (stayed at my house for the weekend to see her) had sexually assaulted her.  Took a year to put him away-he got 10 years in prison and then 10 years probation.  He will be out in 3 years.  I got her good counseling for a little while.  Once the help for victims ran out-I could no longer afford it for awhile and she didn't bond with anyone I tried to take her to.  But when we did have the victim benefits I took her to a play therapist several months-that therapist ended up moving out of state and I could not find another that my insurance covered.  Sorry my thoughts are all over.  The play therapist helped her to remember another incident when she was 6.  We figured that the likeliness of those 2 incidents being the only ones in her life by him were little to none.  But anyways the therapist said that the memories may never come back or could come back throughout her life.  They would be brought on by something involving the 5 senses like a certain smell or sound etc.  

My daughter has never mentioned that another memory has come back at all, but she has such anger and attitude and has always turned to food whenever the least bit depressed.  To the point she is almost 200 lbs.  It breaks my heart!  This is supposed to be the prime of her life.  The therapists i have taken her to since the play therapist have never seemed worried about the eating and weight gain when I bring it up.  Whenever I try to have a heart to heart with her she tells me that I make her feel bad.  I have tried encouragement, have tried dieting w her, have tried everything I can think of to nudge her into how she looks & feels.  She says she does, but then will go binge eat.  She is starting to have health issues from it.  Her knees hurt all the time-no endurance etc.  I'm at a loss to help her.  

Sorry I am a little all over.  Dunno if this would make sense to anyone else.  Thought at first that telling you our experience might help you somehow but all I can seem to put to words is this.  Do you, after going through a similar experience have advice to me as a mom to help my daughter at all??  I hope you can find peace and happiness!!!

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