I wish I wasn't left to hang dry the way i was. but it hurts less than the way it happened in january by someone else. the bus i take passes by his house to & from, and it kills me. for some reason i worry when i don't see his car, like i think he's moved or something, but i don't know why i do, and i wish i didn't.
driving through upland today i remembered the first time we held hands in his car. he drove stick shift. he held my hand with his right one, and drove/shifted with his left hand.... probably one of the biggest romantic turn on's for me. hands down. i could've cried but i tried to stop thinking about it all by talking to my mom.
one of the things that's helped me feel a little more up in spirit is listening to dubstep/house/trance/electro loudly, everyday, and just getting lost in the beats.
i've been faking a sort of seductive/sexual confidence the way i used to, now that i'm back in school. i've been getting more male attention and that helps me feel better. i wish it didn't. but i'm aware that it's always helped me.
hopefully in that behavior someone new will come in to my life. i hope he is as sweet and good looking the way he was/is... i miss him so much. i can't deny that. i feel that i might get worse in heart ache if i don't accept my feelings.
i miss him so much it physically hurts me, everywhere in every way.... lord please, please help me. i don't want my life to revolve around heart ache the way it does every year.