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honest and putting it out there

Sep 10, 2011 - 2 comments










I am a 35 year old woman.  I have been through a lot in my life.  Not sure how I got through most of it.  My past does almost nothing but hurt me.  I believe my life experiences have effected my mental well being and I fight depression it's a constant battle for me.  I try to be as possitive as possible.  I often feel alone even though I have people around me and in my life.  I have a deep sence of being all alone and hurts so badly I do not understand why it doesnt change or go away it's always there this feeling of terrible heart ache loneliness and pain.  I fight it all the time.  I am married I have 2 childern 14 and 8 years old.  I shouldn't feel this way I am aware of that I often try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can't and don't.  

I get thoughts of how I would kill myself and have planned it out but I would not go throught with it because I am needed to much in this world by my childern.  I have had really bad days where I can take myself in my mind to the spot I have thought of doing it to end this pain in my heart but I can't there is no excape to it.  I have thought of going to the lake tieing concrete blocks to a short rope around my ankles tightly off the peir jumping in and getting pulled under the water where the water would enter my lungs and i would die sinking to the bottom.  I realise I will die one day and I just have to get throught till then.  I have created a painting in my mind of a counrtry side stopping to incline and a beatiful view of of mountains and sky and a figure of a human alone standing in the center this me and how I feel.  It is strange i know but I picture this all the time.  Tears are rolling as I type this.  I realise no one may ever read this or care but even typing this makes me realise these feels are so real to me.

I have thought about these things for many years now.  I wait to feel differently to change.  I guess I am waiting for someone to take my hand and love me and fill my soul with light because it's so dark in there I am so far away.  I feel sad.  I never talk about any of this to anyone because i would never want to burden anyone with my negativity.  It's all bottled up tight inside me.  Maybe this Journal thing can help me?  I am a terrible speller to bad it doesn't have spell check.

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Avatar universal
by anywhereinfo, Sep 10, 2011
I talked to my doctor and she perscribed me Pristiq. It has helped me feel much better.

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by kcannon, Sep 10, 2011
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us.  It saddens me that you have not wanted to share this with anyone in your world because you didn't want to be a burden on them.  I have learned that the more I keep bottled up the worse I feel.  It is so important to work through the past hurts to bring healing to our souls.  We're never able to completely remove the memories but somehow when we process through the pain it changes our perceptions and we can grow to be a healthier person.  I encourage you to find someone to be able to help you though this: friend, counselor, pastor...someone.  You do not have to go through this by yourself.

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