Sep 13, 2011
The hardest part of this whole process seems to be trying to figure out who I am. If drugs and alcohol aren't my thing that's great but, what is? I think of myself as an in betweener. Someone that doesn't really belong on any side of the world. It seems that if you really break the world down into it's to broadest groups of people there really are only two groups. Those who belong and those who don't. The ones that "belong" are the socialites and the people who are attractive and successful. They're driven to do well in anything that they do and they surround themselves with people that live the same way. These are the people that I envy because of the obvious reasons.
Then, they're are the one's that don't belong. They are the ones who are unattractive according to the world. They are the ones that the world would consider losers. They work the low paying jobs or use drugs. If not, they may have other problems that keep them from ever reaching that top level of society that really does rule the world. Some of these people suffered with difficult childhoods while other didn't. Either way they surround themselves with people that share the same social and economic status that they do. Some sit around and smoke pot all day, while others wear all black and brood. Some even try to do well but fail in the end.
There are many different variations of these people though. Success is really an objective thing and each of us sees it in a different way. The one thing that these two types of people do share is the knowledge of who they are. They may be fitness models, drug addicts, porn stars, missionaries, oil tycoons, teachers, lawyers, musicians, crack dealers, cops, or anything in the world but, at least they know who they are. That's where I differ. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I belong.
My friend of 10 years asked me to live with him and grow medical marijuana but, I turned him down to stay here in North Carolina. I didn't feel like I would belong there and that I wanted to forge my own path. Now regret has begun to invade my thoughts more and more as of late. I haven't done anything positive here. At least I could have had fun. I could have laughed and created memories. Still though, I can't forget that I don't live the same life as him and the people that he knows in Detroit. I don't smoke pot or drink and I like to workout and go to Barnes And Nobles and get a cup of coffee. Yet, I can't help but wonder if I could have found happiness there.
Here I don't seem to belong either. I like to workout but, when I think of being a personal trainer all I can think of is how I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm so shy and unsure of myself that I wouldn't be able to deal with a world of attractive people and a REAL job where I have to learn new skills and keep records. To be honest, some of those people seem so fake and I don't even know if that's what I want anyway.
Here in lies the dilemma. I flip flop on a constant basis on what I want and what I think I could do. In the end though, I can't see myself anywhere. I've carved out a lonely life and can't seem to forge a path for myself. I just float around and never really seem to get anything done. I don't know what I want to do let alone can do and don't seem to have any real talent that I could use to make life for myself that I would enjoy. Even if I had all the money in the world, would it buy happiness? If you have everything, what good is it if you have no one to share it with? Such a big part of life seems to be knowing who you are. So the question have have to answer if I ever want a life of my own is, who am I?