Sep 17, 2011
It's 9/17/11 and I've been detoxing off the methadone for almost a year now. I started out on 165mg and detoxing 5mg a month or 2 or 3, I'm finally down to 40mg. I'm 53 yrs old and I have high blood pressure, depression and bad panic attacks. The doc that I got my blood pressure meds from dropped me when my insurance ran out. Luckily my husband takes the same blood pressure meds, so I've been taking his. Now he's out and his doc quit giving it to him. So I've been without for about a week and a half. Yesterday I was doing laundry, running up and down 2 flights of steps and it became very hard for me to catch my breath. Than when I went to sleep, I had a very restless night with bad nightmares. Woke up with a pounding headache that eventually went away after I took my meth and anti-depressants. My last visit to my shrink, she cut me off my anti-anxiety meds. Bad decision on her part. Since than I've had 3 very bad panic attacks that ended with me in the emergency room. My next visit with her, I'm going to let her know that I still need my meds for them. I was originally on valium when I first went to see her but she took me off that cause she didn't like valiums. She tried a bunch of different meds and the last one was Xanax which I hated. It gave me very bad nightmares and if I took one for a panic attack, it made me feel dopey for the rest of the day. With valiums I could take one and it would calm me down enough to get me over the panic attack and wouldn't knock me out for the rest of the day. I understand theres alot of people who abuse valiums but I never did. I just want my life back with no drugs. I have no insurance and my husband is on disability and I'm unemployed at the time. I just want to get rid of the ball and chain. I have monthly take homes for the methadone but I'm on a private program and it's 200.00 a month & lately it's getting harder & harder to come up with the money. If I can't pay the program will detox me in 21 days and I know I'll be deathly ill. I just want to get off this & have a normal life again. I don't even remember what it feels like to get up and not take my dose. I have lost the urge to get high almost 10 yrs ago. I've even made amends to the people that I hurt while I was using. Not everyone could understand that I wasn't in my right mind while I was using and that I did alot of things that I would never think about doing had I been straight. I lost alot of good friends which has been very hard to accept. But now I have alot of good friends that have stuck by me through all the good and bad times. Especially my family. They never gave up on me. Now I want my parents to see me get really clean before they pass. I owe that to them and me!