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A different person

Oct 03, 2011 - 5 comments

I think about writing journal entries all the time but haven't been able to translate my mind thoughts into an actual computer entry. So, here we go. Perhaps once I get back into the habit, it will become more frequent and easier.

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking of how MS has changed my life.  The obvious are some of my daily routines...shots, vit D supplements, staying out of the heat, etc.  The not so obvious are things that are internal, mental, life perspective changes.

It's like having kids. No one can prepare you for the mental and physical labor of it, but more than that, the changes that it brings to the person that you are.  It's not possible to have children and not be a different person for it. Those changes and differences are all encompassing and colors everything that you see and feel.

This is what MS has done to my life, changed it so organically in every way.  Once you have children it's hard to imagine, it's actually frightening to try to imagine, who you would be without them. The similarities I am speaking of isn't about the presence of the children, or the MS, in ones life but the changes to everything in your life b/c of their/it's existence.

My life before kids, my life after kids. My life before MS, my life after MS.  Both huge turning points that changed forever the course of my life and the kind of person I will be when I die. This I think is important. All the mistakes I have made and will make in my life all lead me to who I will be on my last day on earth.  How satisfying will that be to be taking my last breaths and feeling like I really understood the point of it all. The living, the growing, the suffering, the joy, the loving, the purpose of it all. Fully and completely having used all my experiences for the betterment of my life and for the betterment of other peoples lives.

The first year after dx was difficult. Every odd sensation, every tired moment, every first thing I had to say no to b/c of my MS was big in my mind.  What is that odd feeling in my foot? Is it permanent? Does it signal a relapse?  Now I just accept it all like the gray in my hair and the wrinkles in my face. It is there, it will always be there and it's okay.

Is this what it is to grow older and wiser? To not be so effected by what doesn't matter and to just see beyond all the nonsense and silliness that can so fill people's lives.  Hum, okay, then that is what it has done. The MS has matured me, forced me to grow up and see myself and the world around me in a new more mature way.

Sometimes God uses challenging things in our lives to bring us to a place where He wants us. For whatever reason this is the path He has chosen for me. If He is leading, how can I not follow?

Comments
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by beachcomber13, Oct 03, 2011
Wow. I hope I can get to that level of acceptance. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing perspective.

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by Lulu54, Oct 03, 2011
You did a lovely job of writing this and I hope you will continue to put your thoughts down to share with the rest of us.

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by tingletingle, Oct 04, 2011
Julie, I love the wisdom and perspective that you have generously shared with us. I have to admit that I am having a hard time adjusting  to MS and this piece is very beneficial. I will try to focus on the important things in my life such as faith, family, friends and giving. You're so right, the numbness/tingling and other host of symptoms are not important and can't be seen by anyone else most of the time. I feel as if I have gained so much perspective since MS but really it is just the beginning. Depak Chopra says that 98% of our cells are new in just 12months. So this time next year we will all be essentially new people. I hope with new cells comes a new beginning of acceptance and to serve Him in whatever capacity I can.

Bravo!!
Alex

1760800 tn?1406753451
by Jacksmom516, Oct 04, 2011
I too hope to come to this level of understanding and acceptance - Thank you for helping me see that there is more out there than this disease.

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by jujuminx, Oct 05, 2011
Thank you all for your kind comments.  I cannot take credit for any of it as it comes through me from from me.

Julie

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