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Looking in the Mirror

Jan 25, 2008 - 0 comments

From 1/16/07:
I started with Darvocet back in 1997 - just once in a while at first, but soon frequently.  Then I moved on to hydrocodone and oxycodone when I could get it.  

One day back when 5 or 6 Darvocets would last me all day, I was walking by an office building with reflective windows.  It was like walking by a block long mirror that went up too high to see the top.  I had a GREAT Darvocet buzz on.  Life felt good and I was quite please to be a part of the show.  I remember looking at myself in the "mirror" as I clipped along the sidewalk.  I was very pleased with what I saw.  It wasn't that I thought I was particularly great looking or anything like that.  I just thought I looked "very together" - something like that. I felt oh so good and happy to be alive.  My secret buzz was like being in love or something.  My secret buzz somehow made me just a little bit better than everyone.  I just felt (and thought I looked) in control and unstoppable.  

So, I was quite suprised when I question was posed to me in what almost seemed to be an audible voice: "ARE YOU GETTING INTO TROUBLE WITH THOSE THINGS?"  I was so starlted by this unexpected question that I atually answered my refliction out loud: "No! I'm fine!" I didn't know at the time that it was the beginning of the countless lies I would tell to myself over the course of my addiction.  

At the time I didn't WANT to give up my Darvocets - they made me feel GOOD and I deserved them.  Unlike drinking (which I had finally and fully given up 9 years before)they didn't make me act like an idiot or get me into trouble.  Indeed, people had been telling me that I seemed nicer lately and more fun to be around.  Nor did they effect my work - I could work like a bandit on those things then.  Besides, NOBODY KNEW.

I COULD have given them up back then, but I didn't WANT to.  If I knew then what I know now I would have wanted to and it would have been easy.  Now that I made it through active addiction without killing myself or going to prison (both of which I ALMOST did), I find that I'm almost at the point of the Recovery Promise that I do "not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."  Almost.  The trip from "normal" life, to active addiction, to sustained Recovering has changed me and given me an outlook toward and appreciation of the world that I didn't (and couldn't) imagine was possible.    

In a very real sense I feel blessed to have become a drug addict.  Without it I never would or could have made the shift necessary to allow me to get where I am now.  And (even though I'm still working my way out of the debt and other problems caused by my active addiction) where I am now is far better that where I was before I took the first Darvocet.  It's as if BEFORE (even before the active addiction) everything was in black & white and NOW it's all in color - it's that significant of a shift.  

On the other hand, thinking of someone I love having to go through what I've been through truly makes my heart ache.  It would be too much to put anyone through.  I can see that clearly when I think of one of my kids or friends being the one to suffer, but it's still hard to apply that standard to myself.

Anyway, as they say "in the Rooms," I'm rambling.  Quit now, while it will be easy.  Darvocet at the rate of 5 ot 6 a day will be easy.  If nothing else, drop back 1/2 a pill every 3 or 4 days and you'll be done in just over a month.  If you don't stop it will get worse - MUCH WORSE (that's what addiction does, it gets worse).  There are easier ways to get the gifts that I and many others have found in Recovery than by taking active addiction to the limit (which is where it always goes if it's not arrested).  Most of those ways are far less likely to kill you, land you in prison or cause you to kill someone else (I shudder to think what would have happened if a child ran in front of my car back when I drove with a constant buzz and squat for reaction time).

Again, sorry to ramble on so.  I find that it's helping me a lot to get on here and put down some of my thoughts.  I've never done that in a pen-to-paper (pixle to screen?) way before.  Goodnight.

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