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Home with friends

Oct 14, 2011 - 0 comments


I feel at my best and able to be myself when I am hanging out with my friends. Been spending time with my closest friends from my home town. When I am in Huntsville I am constantly worried about looking stupid or making a huge mistake in front of people. I have quite a few friends in Huntsville but they do not know me as well as my friends at home do. Amy would be the exception but since I have been living in Huntsville I just have not felt at liberty to be myself because of the judgments placed on me by the PSC. I am overly worried about doing something to prove them right so I just stay home to avoid people and embarrassment. When I am in Dew, I feel supported by friends and encouraged as I know they know me for me and accept me the way I am. They know the truth and recognize me as a human not a label or a the worst personality disorder in the DSM.
I have been thinking a lot about my last therapy session with Dr. Harman. I fear she is trying to label me as well. I could be wrong, but I recognized the assessment questions last week. I know I am not Schizoid or Schizotypal. I do not prefer to be alone and I do not live in a fantasy. I care about people and I am very socialable. I just don't want to live in Huntsville anymore and I do not want to go back home. I just want to finish school and move forward. I have plans for my life, but I am afraid of telling anyone because in the past I felt too much pressure to do even better than my own expectations. My family and friends talk me up and sometimes make me sound better than what I am. I do not see myself as gifted or superior. I just know what I want to do and I am tired of getting off track to please everyone else. It makes me tired and old.
Today is a happy day, but repeating thoughts about therapy **** ups. Why can I not stop thinking about it? I just want to be myself every day and just be the happy go lucky person I have always been.
Being home has also caused some nightmares again, but overall my sleep was okay. The nightmares do not occur as often as they did. They just happen when I am home or anticipate going home.

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