Oct 30, 2011
"The night is always darkest just before the dawn." That seems like one hell of a good saying. So here I am at my darkest point but, I don't see a dawn in the near future. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I see an ending though. I see a life that's wrapping up and coming to an end. There are times that I can look back on and remember being happy. The time with Jess seems to be a particularly enjoyable memory. And in the end that's all that I have. Memories. I can no longer create happy memories so I try to live in my own head with the ones that I had from the past. I hope that people understand that I didn't mean to be the way that I was. When you hate yourself, it's just easier to take it out on other people. People still tell me that I'm loved and I'll be missed. I just don't believe them. How can anyone truly love someone that isn't even a real person? I've said most of my goodbyes and I've mad peace with most of the people that I needed to. I still have a few people that I have to make things right with in my own way. The light isn't totally out yet. I still have a small spark. A small piece that wants to try one last time to get the help that I need. I intend to try. I intend to go down swinging. But in the end, I truly feel that I will go down. One last try to get the help that I need. I don't expect it to work though. I doubt that a 26 year old man can get disability. But, I'll try. Still though, I can't help but feel like time is running out. Like someone just put a jar over the candle and the light has almost faded away. I can't go through another holiday season alone. I think my time on this earth is winding down.