Nov 07, 2011
I look back on my life and think of all of the things that I've done. There aren't many things that I'm proud of. I look back on all of the opportunities that I've missed and all of the chances that I've been to scared to take and that hurts more than anything. I've created this very lonely miserable life for myself and I just don't see a way out. I really hope that the people that I have come to know over the years understand that I didn't mean to be the way I am i just couldn't help myself. It's been a long time since I've felt a woman's touch. A long time since I've had an experience that would make a good story. I can't even talk to Carolina anymore. Weird. I guess I'd just rather pretend she doesn't exist. My last hope is that I can get disability. Maybe then I can get the help that I need. I guess in all honesty though, there's a part of me that doesn't want that. That way I can just give up this crappy life. 3 years is a long time to go without a healthy sexual relationship. 3 years is a long time to slowly push away all of the people that you've been in any way close to. I guess just sitting up here in the pharmacy by myself I start to wonder what life would be like if I weren't so weird. If I had some idea of who I am. To be in a huge crowd of people and always feel so alone. To see a beautiful women and never be able to talk to her. To want to be close to others and yet be left alone to die in peace. There isn't much left for me to say. I guess I should have tried to get help for all of these problems sooner but, I can't change yesterday. I miss Jess. I even miss London. I miss being happy. The times that I was were brief but, they seem to be just distant memories now. Wish I could just get in my car and drive away. Start a new life. But I can't. I can't do much of anything. I'm still here though. I'll give myself that. I've been trapped in my own head for a long time now but, I keep holding on. Trying to figure out who or what I am. As I always say though, this is no life, the one I live, This is just waiting to die. How much longer can I wait? All things in life are different when you have someone to be close to. Someone to share the bad times with. Girlfriends, best friends, and family are all things that I can never have. A dead end job, a crappy car, and an apartment in the ghetto are all I have left. I can't even stand the sight I see in the mirror. It's pretty pathetic that so many other people have been through so much more than me and seem to come out so much better. It's just a testament to how weak I really am. 26 years on this Earth and I've accomplished nothing. What a waste.