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This is where I start losing hope.

Nov 22, 2011 - 9 comments

Well today is CD30 and this is where I start losing all the hope I had at the beginning of this cycle. Every small cramp, twinge or pain and I KNOW AF is almost here.  It's weird how we can pump ourselves up around ovulation, telling ourselves that this is going to be our month, bding as much as possible, trying to get everything just right and then there in those last couple of days it fades so quickly. All my hope is gone as fast as my first cramp(telling me that AF is on her way) lasts. :(  I cannot express how much I HATE this feeling.  So much doubt, it's only natural after so many negatives. I honestly never test anymore, what's the use??  

On a brighter note, I NEVER want to put up a Christmas tree or decorate for Christmas because we don't have kids.  I guess I associate Christmas with kids, gifts and what not and that's not the only reason. This year though, I've been trying to keep from putting all my stuff up to early LOL. I wanted to a month ago!! I've never been more excited about Christmas and no it's not about gifts or material's about Christ, Love and Family!!  Probably going to put it all up today and I'm SO excited about it. :)

This IS never ending. :(
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1186852 tn?1423660370
by xx_Louise_xx, Nov 22, 2011
Ah babe I understand that feeling.. It will be worth it though in the end! I really hope its your turn next, you've waited so paitently, how are things going for u atm? Clomid? SA at all?! Yay for xmas.. I know ppl already who have put there tree up, crazy!! My family are not religious at all, so its just about family and pressies :) it is for kids though, so I get what u mean. I've actually finished all my shopping, no more xmas shopping 4me haha. I love not having to stress right before. This year will be very sad for Lee, it will be 1yr anniversary since his grandad died on xmas day! So were trying to keep it a bit quieter this year! My tree will not be going up just yet hehe lol... Maybe the 2nd dec after our scan. :) xx  

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Nov 22, 2011
Thanks Louise!  At the moment I'm just kinda winging it.  No clomid, no dr.'s nothing.  Going to break for Christmas and then come January going back to the dr.'s.   I'm going to hang hubby if he don't agree to a SA. Lol.  I'm sure he will, I've just honestly kept all of this to myself.  He doesn't see me cry or hurt, I never show him how bad this bothers me, so I'll be having that long heart felt talk with him soon. No one sent me a memo but I've recently found out my gyno, the one that's helped me the most has moved. :(  I HATE finding a new dr. but oh well, it's gotta be done.  

Aww yeah, I remember about Lee's dad.  So sorry hun, it's hard to see them hurting and unable to take the pain away. Hubby lost his dad suddenly before Thanksgiving 2 yrs ago this past Oct.  He went in for a routine colonoscopy, they had to do minor surgery for scar tissue, they were getting him up and around to go home in a couple of days and he stood up took a step or two and fell back down, unable to breath.  He told my MIL "I'm gone " :|.  They said it was a blood clot.  Anyways, I was going to stay with him this day and let my MIL have some time at home, i walked through the elevator going to his room and someone was "Coding".  It was him unfortunately and I had to call his kids to tell him.  Death is hard to deal with anyways, but when it's unexpected like that, it's horrible to see them hurting so much.  Anywways, sorry for blabbering on about that...I just hope you all have a wonderful holiday as much as possible. :)

AND I cannot wait to see your scan and find out the gender!!  

1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Nov 22, 2011
Oh gosh do I know that feeling! You nailed it perfectly!! We are so excited and full of hope mid cycle and then usually around 5dpo the first twinge of failure creeps in... We push it back and try to keep hope alive but that nagging twinge is still there off and on until 10dpo when the cramps really start and all hope us lost. You know what they say about insanity... But what can we do??!  We have to keep trying!!

Anyway, I'm glad you are going full out for Christmas this year! Yay!! I love it! And it's not just for kids ;0) so make sure you make the most beautiful tree and take pics and post!! I'm praying for your suprize bpf for Christmas!!



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by Des_a_rae, Nov 23, 2011
AWw thanks so much Cheri!!  Ugh yeah, I hate this part and it's sooo hard to be even a tad hopeful. Oh well, just gotta go with it, I can't stop time so it'll never happen nor can I make myself have a bfp. lol.  I did a total cleaning of the living room yesterday :).  We don't have a HUGE tree, just a small one. :)  I always put it on the entertainment center BUT I also put out all of my other Christmas stuff.  Made me happy!! :D

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by Risa615, Nov 23, 2011
I feel like you, AF on the way. I am on progesterone this cycle, so AF will stay away, until I stop 14 dpo. Just a few more days. I am probably going to try again next cycle. I did order Fertilaid again. I took it back in Jan. and I think it almost worked. Actually had a second line for a day. I hope you find a new dr you like. I feel like you just need a little help ovulating sooner. Read about Tribulus under $10 on some sites will help with ovulation.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Nov 26, 2011
Thanks so much Risa, I agree, this ovulating later *****!!  Today I'm on Cd34 so we'll see.  Nothing major going on, some cramps, lower back pain but the only thing different is normally I get this dull, nagging ache in my lower stomach as well as my back.  I have it in my back like always but my stomach I keep getting sharp pinching pains.  No doubt AF is on her way, this pinching pain is probably just something new to add to all my other AF pains. Ugh!  
I'll look into that Tribulus, never heard of it before. :D

I hope AF stays away from you, BUT best of luck with the Fertilaid, even a 2nd line for a day is better than no line at all. :)  Thanks again Risa!!

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Nov 26, 2011
I am CD 30 and feeling unsure too.  I usually always have AF by CD 29.  I had such a weird cycle that I don't trust it!  I'm not testing at this point either, but i can't stop thinking about it.  Hubby doesn't know my CD and I'm keeping it under wraps so we both don't get flustered by this.  I'll be thinking of you and hope neither of us gets AF!!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Nov 27, 2011
Thanks so much!!  How are you doing so far?  The only time mine has ever been "weird" was 2 months in a row when I had SO much stress on me, it caused me to have like a 42 and 43 days cycle.  I'm usually a 33 cd kinda girl. I hate long cycles. ugh!!  I know AF is on the way, I sense her presence lol.  I'm the same, I don't tell hubby.  I NEVER test, she always shows so there's no sense in it.  Anyways, I hope you get your BFP!! :D

1217293 tn?1467354344
by Risa615, Nov 27, 2011
I also suggest you get Maca & vitex to balance hormones, both are  cheap on vitacost . com Af showed yesterday for me even on progesterone! I still have to take beta if I want to do another medicated cycle. Going to see what they tell me tomorrow about plan this cycle. Sounds like you are still in the game, keep me posted!!

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