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Dec. 6, 2011

Dec 06, 2011 - 0 comments






It has been interesting with my amount.  I have had a period (from 6am to 12; 12pm to 6pm, 6pm to 6am) during which I got by with a 20 mg tab.  It is hard to imagine because just a couple day(s) ago at most, I was having to take as much as 15 mg pen to make it through the am or pm time.  God I want so badly to be able to make it on 20 mg.  And, there is a bit of peace looking at my body as not having been on more when I went in to detox 1 1/2 years ago.  I remember crying and crying---not being ok to stop be pain.  And feeling so much physical hell, but how  much more emotional pain being away from Patricia
   That is why --when I am with there during the day, I just stop and focus entirely on how good it feels to hold her close.  I do this when waking her up as I did this morning.  Stealing a hundred more fuzziest  i just can't get enough of that little girl.
  The other day I cam across pictures she had drawn for me, when I I=was away last year.  There is one with a mother an daughter, that as so sweet.  And another couple.  I remember them posted on my walls.  And how I cried and cried because I missed her!  Do I think I can do this taper without going inpatient?  Yes, I do -- if I grab hold of 20mg.  And, God I believe it is you that will give it to me, and only you --- because one day last week i had the pain in the middle of my back.  Lord, that feels so bad it is paralyzing.  Only you can bring the absence of pain.   Any gain I make I know it is from you God.  And how you will work out my situation, my recovery to the glory of you--it's all you.  Its not me at all  
   And, when you are as addicted as I am , it is very hard to not live in fear.  I feel the fear when I am at home -- I feel the fear when I am out.  Its lie that crazy internal shaking.  But there is a feeling of impending doom?  A feeling that the bottom is going to fall out.  A feeling that I am not going to have what I need.  And there is a real feeling of not being equipped with the way in which to make money.  There is a Feeling that I will just lose it, go absolutely crazy.  A feeling that I am not, and I can't bee good enough.  A feeling that I need to breathe, and there is no air to breathe.  A feeling that I need to do things and can't operate in my environment, that I can't make anything happen.  A feeling of having no choice --- of being trapped.  There is the feeling of being home and of panic.  I don't know what all this is.  But, it's all this emotional hang-over, and it gets worst as I gain weight.  I keep trying to let the extra pounds be okay, because I am in a taper, but the way I feel trapped seems to get greater, as I gain extra weight.  I guess I seem to feel I have a bigger and bigger reason to apologize, the more weight I put on.  I feels terrible.  
   And eating
The girl next to me ordered egg whites, turkey sausage and an English muffin.  I had a pumpkin pancake  (obsessed with pumpkin pie) and a friend egg.  As I lose control over gaining weight (and I have kept on a good extra 20 lbs for a while)< I feel like I am losing control in other areas of my life.  And losing control over money is the scariest---but having lost control to the real issue of physical pain in my life is the on the has thrown me for the biggest loop in my life.  And losing control over the weight means losing control with the money, which scares me because I then, don't feel I am going to be taken care of---and then I feel I can't dress myself in front of Ed--and there is the extra stress in my closet, extra spending--and of course, everything feels super scary then.  God, please show me what you can.  Please show me what can break that great fear of being unable to be okay in this world. Wow, I am seeing how this panic that comes from being in my house in the am, and having out of control eating, all leads into not being ok, and having $ out of control, then not being OK, not OK, then dying bc everything is out of control.
   And with the dependence on this little pill, then I can't know what I can give to a work situation, I can't be dependable at all.  God please help me, and please help all those reading this post!

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