All Journal Entries Journals

Havent written in awhile

Jan 24, 2012 - 1 comments

Haven't written anything in a while and thought it time.  I have started PT and I can see it helping.  I actually look forward to PT days now!  Waiting for Avonex nurse to find the time to come and teach me how to inject myself, hopefully soon.

Those in my life who know are supportive but sometimes do not understand where I am coming from.  Bared my soul to a very good friend and she got irritated with me.  I know that no one knows where this disease will take me.  It may never progress, it may progress in small increments, I could have a relapse tomorrow - only the MS itself knows. But I have to be realistic about life and my choices and while I remain positive, I have to plan for a life when I cannot work 7 days a week or support my mortgage and home.  And friends get mad when i say these things.  There are times when I wish for a simpler life, one where I could enjoy the mobility I have and do things and not have to work all the time.  Part of me wants to give the house up now and move to a simpler place where I could and I know this sounds corny but take time to smell the roses!  

I have spent the past two years basically working and not enjoying the life that I have.  I have access to a pool all summer and spent a grand total of 5 hours there last summer  That is sad!  Gardening, Christmas, decorating my home are all chores where they once were things I enjoyed because I have to squeeze them in and plan for them around my work schedule.  There are times when I say to myself this is no way to live.  Then I look at the home that I love and so painstakingly decorated, choosing each item carefully and do not want to walk away from it.  That and the money I have spent that I will never recoup due to housing market,  So I push on and do what I have to every day to make those mortgage payments and pay those bills.   Sometimes with  smile but usually not.  I fight because I guess  this is one more thing that I will not allow MS to take from me.  It has already taken so much I won't allow her to take everything!!!

Post a Comment
1627868 tn?1333886342
by sarahw244, Jan 24, 2012
It's very easy to understand where you are coming from with this.  This may sound odd, but this kind of reminds me of my divorce from my first husband.  When you are "mourning" something; like a divorce, loss of a loved one, etc, you are not only mourning the loss of that person, that relationship; but also of all the things your life was at the time.

You are probably mourning, in a way, your new found life with this unpredictable disease, but also the life you had, the life you thought you would have and/or a certain way things would be.  A big part of your adult life was based around making yourself a home and making it the way you wanted it to be.  Everything is exactly the way you wanted it to be.

I guess there are some questions you should contemplate.  What exactly would you be losing if you gave up your home?  What would you be gaining?  More freedom?  More money?  More time to do the little things which may help you to appreciate life a little more?  What would your options be?  A condo?  A rental home?  A mobile home?  An apartment?  Some of these places you could still decorate/paint/carpet, etc the way you want.  Some you wouldn't.  It may even be fun to start all over from scratch and do something completely different.

Is there any way you can stay in your home and not work so often?  Can you get any kind of assistance?  Could you maybe get a roommate?  What about refinancing since the rates are so low?

What a tough decision!  I really feel for you!  You have to do what's best for you and you definately don't have to do anything if you don't want to.  You have a lot of options.  Just know that I am here for you!

Post a Comment