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Just reaching out

Jan 26, 2012 - 5 comments





Chronic Pain





My grandma has terminal colon cancer. After 4 years of fighting she was told in May she had 3-6 months. She's still kicking, refuses to go down any way but kicking and screaming. But it just seems so unfair.

She has lived such a hard life. Her father raped her and her sisters from the time they were 6 until they moved out. She's had abusive marriages and suffered through depression and still just battles onward. Heck, when my grandpa was refusing counseling she told him "I may be 50, but I can start over again, I've done it before." That is one strong, stubborn lady! She went into the colonoscopy knowing she had cancer and because she put it off for so long, figuring it was just counting the days until the end. It's been 4 years, 3 operations, and about 3-4 bouts of chemo/radiation treatment. Through it all she's made jokes and just dealt with it. I mean I don't know where she gets the strength, but she's paid all her bills, and paid and organized her own funeral. That's not something many people have to think about in a realistic way- I'm going to die yes, but she had to go through a list with my mom: I want to be cremated, I don't want to be embalmed, I don't want to be resuscitated, etc.  And now.. she's in for the count. She spent most of last night vomiting, too weak to get off the floor of the bathroom.

I feel so torn. She's been there for us all. I mean when my mom had my siblings taken away she helped my mom realize that it wasn't her fault and she couldn't give me up for adoption. When my sister got out of rehab that lady set her S*** out straight and taught her how to be a grown up. Half of my childhood memories are with her, I can't imagine her just not being there anymore. And yet I kind of prayed she wouldn't get to this part. I never wanted her to have to battle with the pneumonia, chronic pain, or comatose like fatigue that's she's dealing with- I always hoped she would leave before this point. Is it wrong to pray for a merciful heart attack?

I think what's making all this harder is I can't be there for my family. My sister... I know she's strong but I worry every day that she would be tempted to use again. I don't want to loose her again to drugs; those years were a living hell. I can't be there for my munchkin, my poor baby niece isn't handling this well. And I mean who blames her, this is a violent death to see for a 12 year old. My grandpa, god. I love him but he can be a real idiot sometimes; he refuses to accept she's dying. She's in chronic pain, loosing weight left and right and not in any good way. There's tumors throughout her entire gut and has difficulty eating the smallest amounts of foods because of it. He won't deal with her death well and his only surviving family is out of state. That's only going to be harder on my sister and niece. He's really the only grandpa either of them know; Her father's dad died before she was born and our mom's dad passed away while she was still tweaking. She never really got to know him. And of course my mom? If anyone can match the strength and stubbornness of my grandma it's my mom. But when it comes down to it, she won't speak to anyone. She has no shoulder to cry on and nothing to step back to. Her step mom promised me to help bring her out of her shell, but I'm terrified she'll harm herself. Not physically but through diet. She's an emotional eater and already she's not doing well. She's borderline diabetic; actually I wouldn't be surprised to learn she IS diabetic. She has freakishly high cholesterol that isn't going down with her meds, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and is OVER 100 lbs overweight. It also doesn't help she lost her baby brother only 3 months ago- septic shock.

The past few months have just been hell on my family and I feel guilty because I want the pain to stop. I want to be there to take care of my family... but that would mean abandoning my husband and life here. Also we're already a thousand dollars in debt to my in-laws because they financed my ticket to the states in November so I could say good bye to my grandma. It would be completely selfish to fly out there again. I can't stop what's going to happen, I can't fix it. But right now. I'm not dealing with it well either. Honestly my heart is breaking and I'm angry at God for doing this. Her life has been filled with enough pain and suffering.  

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1530171 tn?1448133193
by TheLightSeeker, Jan 30, 2012
"Hi!  Thanks for stopping by.  My hope is to empower you to live an extraordinary life and to pass on tools to help you live the inspired life you were meant to live.  It doesn’t matter whether you are living a life of stress, illness or other difficulties, or if things are running smoothly for you, it is your birthright to live a life that is extraordinary.

Your soul knows its own truth.  More than anything, I want to see everyone living up to their greatest life possible.  My mission is to provide you with a few tools, some of which you can apply on yourself going forward, to clear blockages, instill new empowering beliefs and open doors to higher levels of consciousness.

Discover your soul gifts, your purpose in this life, the lessons you are challenged with and the empowerment and abilities to overcome the obstacles you face.

If this jives with you- awesome!  If it doesn’t, that’s ok.  Either way, I invite you warmly to look within and make the commitment to love, nurture and honor the essence of your being and allow your life to henceforth be guided with this intention.  

Many blessings to you and may you shine brightly for the world to bear witness to your extraordinary and beautiful light"

The above is my daughter's mission statement in her "under construction" website. She just asked me to screen and critique it tonight. This is a young woman, your age, living with serious illness for years.
Our family stories are similar, going through illness, pain, suffering, accidents,loss, grief, abuse...
Where does it end? "The Healing Power of Illness" by Thorwald Dethfelsen ( translated from german) is a great book
on this subject. No, I do not blame God for my suffering, as God really has nothing to do with it.
We are given free will and it is within the free will that all we possess, that these things happen, as lessons in life.
When we remove blame, guilt, fear from within us, then we free valuable energy to help us embrace understanding, compassion, forgiveness and love. Yes, indeed, once we allow the reconnection to Spirit, our true self shines brighter.
When we suffer, we experience pain,  this pain purges the ego from our being. The ego diminishes from the emotional pain and the Soul soars! Why we suddenly feel intense love and unity with others-even strangers- when planes crash into buildings, with thousands of victims and we see this on national tv.?
Why, when we confront tragedy and horror, the egos get crushed, and we run to help others in need?

It is part of your battle between Ego and Spirit. Your Spirit will prevail. You are a kind and considerate person.
And you are learning valuable lessons. Part of your chosen Path and Purpose. It will all make sense soon.

1809109 tn?1331807377
by ducky406, Jan 30, 2012
Thanks Niko. I'll admit some of that went over my head, but my mind is numb and my emotions are raw. So not too surprising.

My grandma passed away yesterday and I'll admit it's easier to deal with now than it was to hear that she was in so much pain. But that still left me with the "problem of evil/suffering". I've always had a horrible trouble with it, not sure if that will ever change.

1530171 tn?1448133193
by TheLightSeeker, Jan 30, 2012
Wow! I'm so sorry for your loss and yet I'm pleased to know that she's no longer suffering.
OMG! It is more than true that our family stories are so similar. Technically my brother passed on
yesterday in Greece. Here's what I wrote this morning:
My brother passed on this morning at home, at the age of 47, following a  nasty bout of bronchitis, most likely from heart failure.
He died peacefully in his sleep, just the way he would want to die.
He was mentally challenged, and he was afraid of doctors and hospitals,
but Dad always took care of him at home, except in rare occasions,
where there was no other choice.
Specially after Mom's horrific accident- hit by a drunk driver - 5 years ago.
He's going to a better place now, where there's no suffering.
He taught me to have Compassion, Understanding, Patience and Unconditional Love.
I'm indeed so thankful and grateful for this Gift.
And his Spirit message today is :" Listen to Your Souls!"
As Everyone has a Spiritual Purpose to be achieved in this Lifetime!
However, we must be careful, as the Ego directs us to meaningless and empty materialistic destinations. When we listen very carefully, there will be a Voice, a Light, and our Soul will be guided to our Higher Purpose.

Thank you for reading this. And may God Bless you All!"

It has been a wave of energies moving around me the last couple days. And today I'm in the characteristic "cold zone"
where  Spirits are present in my field of awareness. I keep getting messages/voices with no sound, just concepts coming into my head. "Tell her everything is fine."  "No, really I wanted to go. I was ready"  "Dad shouldn't feel guilt."
"I was just too tired in my body."  "You will do fine without me." "Ha, this place is much better." "Desperation no more."
"Yeah, you're cold, shivering and I can talk to you" " They're not listening! "
Some of it, I do understand and it's directly for me, some I cannot explain other than it doesn't have to do with me or my family. I'm in and out of sync with it today, a bit like you are today, perhaps. Another day, it might just come to me.
Sorry to trouble you with this. But it's just like an occupation of my space by spirits here. They want me to relay things
to others. Story of my life, in a way. Today is the day to grief. I have accepted his passing on, but it takes some time to
mourn, to grief and to process this loss, as it should be processed.
May your grandma's Spirit be your Shining Guide in your Life!
How did I pick the Healthy Cooking Community and replied to YOUR post?
And again why should I be surprised?

1809109 tn?1331807377
by ducky406, Jan 31, 2012
It's amazing, and yet it isn't. I think that's why I've come to be near addicted to this site. We learn from others as much as they seem to learn from us. Then if we ever need it there is always a handful of people who are going through the same thing as us and willing to lend support or at the very least grieve with us.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's very hard to be away from family during this time so I hope you are surrounded by those you love. Hopefully both of our hearts will be mended soon.

-I don't think I asked a question in the healthy cooking community, although I do seem to comment on almost anything. I have quite a few opinions and think I'm pretty all that. ^.^ Written with a sarcastic humor in mind and yet with sincerity. I've dealt with and seen a lot so far in life and hope to help others find hope.

1530171 tn?1448133193
by TheLightSeeker, Jan 31, 2012
It was a reply to your comment, I believe.
Thank you for your kind words.

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