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Today I will try...

Feb 20, 2012 - 1 comments




This is the first day I have felt good in a long time, by good I mean I am out of bed.  Still no shower or bath for 2 weeks, am wearing the same clothes, I have clothes and a shower, just not the omff it takes to get in... I have been depressed for so darn long.  8 vic's a day for pain, 4 soma's a day to help the vic's and have to have my 2 or 3 2 mg Xanax for panic disorder or I go insane... I am tired of living like this, rather I am tired of not living.  My son is taking care of me and he is single and 26 years old.  I am 46 and have been on these meds for chronic back pain for over 16 years.  I am going to bath today.  Maybe even try to clean the kitchen... Makeup perhaps.  I will try though, that much I know, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I want to give my son his mother back.  Wish me luck,  Cat....

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by steinbeckman, May 16, 2012
Hey, I just happen to come across your post. I know exactly how you feel, and have been, and still am to some degree, in the same situation as you.  At the age of 26 I herniated 2 discs at work, had 3 surgeries resulting in a full fusion of my l4-l5-s1. I have degenerative disc disease and have three bulging discs in my neck and one in my mid back. The surgeries were hardly effective and I live in pain from a 7-9 on the scale just about 24 hours a day.  I was on heavy doses of oxycontin, opana, percocet, xanex, as well as muscle relaxers and nerve pain drugs every day for 3 years .  The longer I was on them, the more and more I needed them. I never left the house, my room looked like an episode of hoarders, my girlfriend left me, my family didn't understand and treated me like I was a street addict just taking them for fun, even though I had to wear a back brace and use a walker to walk.  I lost all will to live. I dropped 15 pounds. didn't eat, didn't sleep, just dreamed about death. I wish I could tell you that there is some magic way to get yourself out of this, but there's not.  But there is hope.  I was forced with the decision to die or live.  Even if I didn't kill myself, the amount of pain killers I was taking was killing me slowly.  If I were going to live, I was going to LIVE.  I googled local charities and programs that help get people into detox for free, and not a crappy city facility either. I had to choose to learn to fight my pain in a different way.  I spent 8 days in the detox hospital, and it was the worst 8 days of my life, but I prayed more than I have ever prayed, and I somehow found the strength to get through it.  You don't realize when you are on these meds how much they mess up the way you think and feel about things. I am already bi-polar and have suffered from anxiety disorders my entire life, but the opiates made me flat out crazy, even though I couldn't stop myself. When I got out, I found my local support groups that help people in pain around your area. I learned to meditate, and stretch, and work out to the best of my ability regularly, and while the pain was and is still horrible, I can see life through new eyes. Since I can not sit or stand too long in any position, I can not work, but I have found opportunities to mentor and tutor children and keep my mind busy giving to others and I have found peace with my pain.  I know that these are just words, and what you are feeling is so powerful, and so overwhelming, but just know from a fellow sufferer, that this life is worth living, and you do have the strength in you to fight and find the best way to naturally fight the pain, and even if you have to go back on opiates, you can start again at a lower dose and will be able to better control your outlook on life. No one can help change you but you.  I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you get this message,  My name is Ryan, and my e-mail is thornberry.***@**** if you would like to talk further.  You are still important, and have much to give to this world if you try. It took me a long time to figure this out. Now I am 30, and happier than I have ever been, and still in pain.  Live life intentionally, it's the only way people like us will find joy.  You are loved, and you are beloved by God. You have worth, no matter how much you feel to the contrary.  I truly hope you can pull through this, because I promise you, it is worth it. Also, do not be afraid of medical marijuana, it can change your quality of life so much, and there is no addiction, and no strong adverse side effects. It has helped me enormously.

Your friend,


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