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my journey to motherhood

Mar 09, 2012 - 5 comments

I have been thinking about my story a lot lately, its been almost a year since i lost my 5th baby, im so proud to be sitting here a year on, knowing i didn’t give up and im now able to hold my newborn daughter and proudly say im a mother of 2 beautiful children!
Also infertility awareness week is coming up soon and i think i have a duty to open your eyes and give you something to think about during this time.
You may wonder why I’m sharing this with you, before i start i will tell you, i want to talk about my struggle and my loss as the babies I lost where real to me, they were alive even just for a short time, I think people find it hard to understand a miscarriage unless you have felt the pain of one yourself. I also want everyone to know how special my girls are, and also to help people who are going through something similar to what i have that they are not alone and offer hope that dreams do really come true, or to help those others understand how lucky they are to have their perfect fertility and that they should treat their body as a temple when carrying there child, as it is an amazing thing that should NEVER be taken for granted wither the baby was planned or not a baby is a life and not something to be thrown away!
Ok so it all started when i met olli 6 years ago, a few months after we met i was 15 and found myself pregnant with our 1st child, im sure like many other young girls i was scared of the thought of becoming a mum , abortion for me was never an option as it is something i have never agreed with, i got myself in this situation so i needed to step up and do what i could to prepare  for my baby,  i went to my Dr and started to take my pre-natal vitamins, i didn’t drink or smoke and made sure i looked after my body for my baby. About 3 weeks after we found out i had my 1st midwife appointment, she talked to me about the scans we should expect, how to look after my newly pregnant self and also about my care during my pregnancy, at this point me and Olli had time for the pregnancy to sink and had started to become excited about our baby, I remember Olli taking me shopping after we saw the midwife and he brought the baby its first lot of clothing. Next we had to tell the parents, the moment i was dreading, i told my mum 1st and as any mother would be she was upset, once she calmed down we spoke and she then offered to tell my dad.
About a week after i told them i was about 10 weeks pregnant and it was Valentine ’s Day, Olli had been at my house i think we watched a film and ate chocolates,  he left my house around 11pm to walk home, he had been gone about 10 mins when i had the overwhelming feeling something was terribly wrong, i honestly don’t know why i felt this way as i had no pain or bleeding but i knew something was wrong with my baby, i ran down stairs and told my mum to take me to hospital, i did tell her i was in pain to convince her to take to the hospital, she drove me to hospital that night and the nurses checked me over and said everything seemed ‘normal’ they booked me in for a scan the next day and sent me home relived and relaxed that night, i remember falling asleep holing my belly and thanking god everything was ok.
The next day me and my mum drove to the epu at hospital to have my 1st scan, reassured from last night i was excited about seeing my baby for the 1st time, i sat in the waiting room happily talking with my mum about names for the baby. It was my turn and i was called into the room, i laid on the bed and they started to scan me, she was very quiet for about 5 mins i asked if everything was ok and she told me yes but my womb is tilted to she if finding it hard to see the baby, she then said she needed to do an internal u/s, she started to re-scan me and then said she needed to get the dr, at this point me heart sank she left the room and entered with the dr, my mum squeezed my hand and it took them what felt like a life time before they finally spoke, ill never forget that moment, she placed her hand on my leg, i was already crying and she said ‘im sorry your baby no longer has a heartbeat’ i asked to see and was shown the screen, there was my baby perfectly formed with legs, toes, arms and hands on the screen, absolutely perfect expect from the fact it was not moving, and didn’t have the magical flicker of a heartbeat. I was given a picture of my baby and sent to wait in a room, i don’t really remember much else the next week passed in blur, i needed a DnC to remove to baby and my last memory of that pregnancy is screaming in a operating room with my mum holding my hand while i was put to sleep.  That was my 1st miscarriage and in some ways my hardest.
I then went on to my 2nd pregnancy this time only knew for a week before the bleeding started and i lost my baby i was only 5 weeks pregnant.
Then i became pregnant again, i didn’t expect to have a baby this time i just prepared myself to lose the baby, i had lots of hospital visits where they scanned me and took my blood to test hormone levels, i started spotting around 8 weeks and the dr scanned me, he told me i was losing the baby, i was sent home, we had to catch the train home, on the walk to the train station i felt like i was bleeding, i used the toilets in kfc, it was there i passed a baby still in a sac, i was heartbroken to see my baby and couldn’t bare to just flush it down the toilet so i wrapped it up and took it home with me unsure of what to do, that train ride was awful, all i wanted to do was disappear!!
I was then diagnosed with depression, and given tablets, i was also told to try taking aspirin when trying to conceive as it can help the babys implant better and increase blood flow to the placenta, before i could start the anti-depressants i was told to take a pregnancy test to make sure i wasn’t pregnant, and to my shock i was.
i wasn’t happy as my birthday was coming up about the same time i always miscarried, and i just expected to lose the baby, i had my bloods taken and  was told they were normal but that wasn’t any use as iv been told that before, i was booked in for a scan at 7 weeks, waiting for the scan was awful as i just knew the baby was gone, i was called in to the very same room i was always called into laid on the very same bed, feeling the very same way i always felt, Olli held my hand and i watched his face unable to look at the screen, i then saw something amazing, i saw him smile, then i herd the nurse say heres the babys heartbeat, i turned to look at the screen but couldn’t see it though the happy tears, it was the 1st time iv ever seen one of my babys with a heartbeat. I went on this time to have a healthy pregnancy although i was convinced until the very end i was going to lose my baby, i was induced at 38 weeks and gave birth on the 2.2.09 at 8.22am to a 7lb3oz baby girl called Lilly, i was in total shock as i never expected her to be ok but she was totally perfect in every way, and i instantly fell in love!
We where now a happy family of 3 and i thought my problems where over, in oct’10 Lilly was about 19months old i had an operation to remove cysts on my ovaries, i was told they may even have to remove one, yet again i was facing more problems due to my broken body, they managed to remove to cysts with no damage to either of my ovaries.
A few months after the op i started bleeding heavy, turned out i was having early miscarriage, i had lost my 4th baby.
In feb 2011 i was pregnant again for the 6th time, after a number of scans and blood tests i was told i had lost the baby, i was given a choice to wait to miscarry naturally or have a DnC, i chose against the DnC  as i didn’t want the guilt of giving the drs permission to remove my baby i would rather not be the one in control as i didn’t want my baby to be taken away, it went on for a month and i had still not passed the baby, enough was enough and i chose the DnC, i needed to end this as it was not good for Lilly to keep seeing me cry, Olli held me as i was put to sleep, when i woke i felt calm and relieved it was all over.
We waited one month before trying again, when the drs gave us the ok, we tried and caught the egg 1st time, i found out i was now pregnant for the 7th time on father’s day 2011. Ironically i was finally getting tested that same month for my miscarriages when we found out, i had a scan at 7 weeks and was shocked to see a heartbeat, my mum waited for me and olli in the waiting room, when she saw us she gave me a look of sympathy i guess expecting the worse but she was overjoyed when i showed her my scan picture and told her everything was ok!
The next day i went to work and had a huge grin attached to my face, a few hours into the morning i felt a sharp pain, i stood up and felt a warm gush, i ran to the toilet and screamed, i was covered in blood. I left work and went to the hospital, they booked me in for a scan the next day but told me i was most likely losing my baby, i couldn’t believe life could be so unfair yesterday i was so happy and my baby was ok, but today it was over, i couldn’t wait until the next day i needed to know for sure, i went for a privet scan that night, to everyones shock the baby was still there ALIVE!!!! I had what was called a sub-chronic hematoma and was told i may or may not lose the baby it was about 4cm and bigger than my 7 week old baby, they also told me i have PCOS, i spent the next 16 weeks bleeding and on bed rest, i cried almost daily as i was so scared of losing a baby in the 2nd trimester!
At 17 weeks we had amazing news, the hematoma had gone and we where expecting another little girl, we called her Iris as it meant rainbow and she was our rainbow baby!
I then had a few episodes of bleeding and spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, at 30 weeks my bump stopped growing i had lots of growth scans but they couldn’t find a reason why i was measuring so small, i was then induced at 38 weeks as i hadn’t grown in 10 weeks!
I was induced on 11.2.12, my waters where broken about 22hrs after my induction started i was 2cm dilated at this point, after my waters went the pain became unbearable, my babys heartbeat started dropping to about 80bpm (a normal baby is between 120-160) i felt an urge to push i was checked, i had gone from 2cm-10cm in 45mins, it was time to get the baby out, as i started pushing, her heart stopped i pushed as hard as a could and at 11.50pm on the 11.2.12 Iris was born, she was a tiny 5lbs15oz, i later found that the bleeding in pregnancy had caused my placenta to come away therefore she was not growing and was extremely lucky to be ok, if i was not induced when i was she may not of made it! Shes a real miracle!
I now finally have my babies and have an answer as to why i lost my babys, i have PCOS this was the cause for my miscarriages!
I always thought when i wanted a family it would be simple i would be normal, for me and thousands of others this is not the case!
Cherish your children, your fertility and life! Don’t thow it away!
This is my story, there are many others like it, i hope you can take something away from it.
Thank you for reading!

Comments
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1726707 tn?1362530938
by Shyladybaby27, Mar 09, 2012
your story made me cry your a stronger person than me I  could tell you that I admire your courage thanks for sharing

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by Carly1306, Mar 09, 2012
Your story made me cry. You've been through so much to have your gorgeous happy little family, and you deserve it more than anything. It's also given me hope that after my 2 miscarriages it will happen for me. I'm so happy for you, and your girls are just amazing.

1186852 tn?1423660370
by xx_Louise_xx, Mar 09, 2012
Just goes to show, u want something bad enough, and try long enough, you get your wish! Yes it was hard, And at times u wanted to give in, but u carried on, thinking only of the child u so desperately wanted, and u got it! :D That, in itself takes a very strong person, and I take my hat of to u love! You're story is very inspirational to many women TTC recovering from recurrent miscarriage, and your story goes to show, there is light at the end of that very dark tunnel. Thanks 4 sharing babe, very emotional. Xx

1609417 tn?1389642778
by haz1104, Mar 09, 2012
Ur story is just a living proof that life can b thought n harsh but also fair and full of joy. It made me cry too like most of the ladies  but in happy tears that things turned out perfectly for u n ur perfect lil ones. I'm so thankful for this journal as much as it made me remember my own miscarriages n their pains.. It also reminded me of how blessed I am to have baby Malik in my arms the perfect lil one who's fulfilled my dreams in life n made me the happiest ever. So for me and on the behalf of all the ladies who hadnt had d chance to read this.. Thank u for sharing

1609417 tn?1389642778
by haz1104, Mar 09, 2012
Sorry I'm using my fone that. Was supposed to b " tough" not "thought" lol

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