Apr 05, 2012
As usual... from a letter I wrote:
I think of you often, too. With my one track mind these days I figured I'd give you a break from my preaching! I doubt, with what's going on for you folks, that you're much inclined to go back and read all those emails, but I console myself that maybe you have them if/when you need them.
I'm still in the same place. It's not like it's hell on earth or anything... it just (right now) reminds me too much of how I grew up... with people I didn't want to be with and didn't trust. Prices around here continue to go up. I did check out a place that was cheap for an apartment, but it was enough over and above what I'm paying here that it would have drained my funds that much faster... and it was right on a highway, with constantly passing traffic and very noisy... also on the edge of an anything-but-organic farm (pesticides kill me).
Just this morning I realized that I'm in the middle of yet another nervous breakdown. I was due. Funny how they come so often, but definitely every ten years. This one would be early in the year to be right on schedule, so I hope this isn't just the precursor to one worse than this is so far. I guess it started a few weeks ago. I remember one day when I just felt too blasted emotionally to pray... all I could do was kneel there and "be" with God. It's a little distressing... I'll be honest with you, I was hoping that with my new, vigorous Christianity that there would be no more breakdowns, but none of us is exempted from the consequences of our actions, and this is just a consequence of the past year's stress and upset.
Like some of my breakdowns, but unlike most of them, there's no crying and trembling, etc. And I'm not going to bother going to a doctor. I've had so many, I lost count a long time ago. When I try to think or do anything I pretty much smack up against a mental wall that makes me essentially non-functional. For this type of breakdown no one will know if I don't tell them, and most I tell will just assume I'm being melodramatic and that all that's wrong is I'm making excuses for my inactivity and am basically lazy. :( Bah. The good news is that this time I'm sure it's not going to mess with my faith in God. If anything, I think perhaps this time it will strengthen my appreciation of Him.
God promises food and clothing to those who love Him. I really wish the Bible said something about shelter, but it does say that God knows what we need before we do and that He provides to those who trust Him. And it's true... I may have "done without" in some ways from time to time over the years... I've been hungry a couple of times... but the truth is that I've never been in desperate need in any way that wasn't DIRECTLY connected with doing something I knew He would not approve of before I did it. Doing something you know in your heart God would not approve of is not a good demonstration of loving Him... plain and simple. Most of the Bible boils down to the plain and simple of loving God and others.... and ourselves. Jesus Himself said that all of the law was based on loving God with our whole hearts, minds, and beings, and loving others as we love ourselves. Break the law... the law breaks you. Had I followed those tenets sooner in my life I wouldn't be where I am now.
Have you found a new place to live? It hurts me to know that someone as nice as you suffers as I do with mental/emotional discombobulations that most people can't and don't want to understand. Your paranoia has to do with a different set of anxieties, in some ways, than mine... but it is basically the same. I've just had more years to mature my paranoia into something that seems mild because I know how to complain about it in words people can relate to... or think they can, even as they don't understand at all! :/ I'm seen simply as having a terribly negative attitude and so don't get plastered with the label as easily as you might.
The main reason I like to get in people's faces with my troubles is I like to watch their reactions as I prove their preconceptions and assumptions wrong. Before I'm done they feel confused and confounded... then I tell them that now they have a tiny inkling of the mass of confusion existing in my skull. They don't like it and I don't much care! Misery loves company, I guess. :P
So, the brain's taking a vacation from functionality. I'm still going through all the motions. It's only mentally that my eyes roll back in my head and I slobber down my chin... on the outside I look fine to everyone. Then I speak up and let them see inside. It can be pretty interesting. Not many come back for a second look. And it's fascinating that those who don't want to write me off are able to slip into denial about what they've seen. No point in showing them twice, really. What, after all, are they going to do to help me? Thirty years of M.D.s and therapists have helped me understand who I am, but not to change.
I wish you, too, have faith in the Savior... then our talking together might be made into "two or more gathered in My name." As it is I'm just glad that you believe in God... it's better than nothing knowing that someone who has some personal experience with my same problems lifts my name up to God occasionally. Thank you.
Guess this is one for my MedHelp journal. Since I'm refusing to take medication I don't have a doctor... my journal is about the only proof I'll have of my ongoing state of mind should I need it. :( I tried to get an appointment with a local Christian counseling office and when I told them I won't take medication they said they wouldn't see me. These guys do nothing but practical counseling... they don't even know where the nearest psychiatrist's office is! So much for the Christian folks who contribute to their expenses! They've been utterly corrupted by the modern pharmaceutical dependency... I wonder what they'll think when all the overwhelming evidence of the harmfulness of the drugs just is too much to ignore? Ignore it anyway, no doubt.
A friend has a grandmother who is over 100 years old... bedridden. She said that her grandma recently asked her, "Why am I still here?" I ask the same question. I've nearly died from accidents, illnesses and infections so many times! I must be here for a reason.
But if I could just wish it and go to be with the Lord, I'd be g
:)) a couple of days late... but April Fools! Not the situation, just the gone part. What the heck, if I can't laugh about my screwed up life who will?
I wish I had all good news for you... about how Jesus has utterly changed everything bad about me and my life. I hear it happens for some people. But the fact is that I've been called to love God and have faith in Jesus Christ right here in my messed up life. He promises to provide for me, but He does not promise to let me off the hook for where I've ended up... for the consequences of refusing to follow Him sooner. I see the sweet lives of these life-long Christians and I'm am so wistful... that might have been me, too. It was my decision... I had to have all the answers... I had to have proof. Now all I have is an understanding of my desperate need and the fact that He was always there, waiting for me. Oh well. At least I think I'm no longer making things worse, as I now try to walk in a way that He doesn't find a problem with.
The truth is, I suspect, that when I can get past just cleaning up my act for His approval, and instead find a way to use my life to glorify God... then my life will change. I'm working on it. In the meantime I'll pray for you every time I'm reminded... so remind me often! :)