All Journal Entries Journals

Haven't sent this one yet... Should I bother?

Apr 12, 2012 - 2 comments

My hand hurts and I'm working from my phone, so there will be typos.  It would be no better at the laptop, at this point... with or without the brace it hurts and my typing suffers.  I'll re-read and correct often... hope I catch them all.

So much for thinking I might yet get a job typing or house cleaning.  
I read your dramatic lead in, expecting that you had some pithy suggestions about faith, based on personal experience.  Imagine my surprise when I found that your profound suggestion was that I try harder to do what I've been trying to do since 1982.  Since 1975, actually.  

What part of all those years of obediently complying with the advice of at least eight psychiatrists, two psychologists, and somewhere in excess of eight certified counselors of various ilk did you not get?  I can't remember them all (they'll do that to you) but I've been through countless adjustments, in various combinations, to a minimum of nineteen different psychiatric medications.  I've  eagerly been through countless hours of individual and group therapy, and have written many notebooks full of searching treatises on every possible aspect of my mental and emotional health.  

Believe me, at the moment I CRAVE the oblivion offered by the various available medications.  I wouldn't even have to pay for them... I've been assured that between the pharmaceutical companies and the State I can be thoroughly medicated at no cost to me.  Suicide in its finest legal, medically-approved form.  
Medication, as you may or may not know, masks and -- most emphatically -- it does not cure mental illness... however biochemical that illness may be said to be.  Further, the losses -- both physical and mental -- far outweigh the apparent short-term and dubious long-term emotional gains.  

As you assure me you have explored every avenue of pain management, I assure you I have explored every avenue of medically-advocated and natural pschiatric management.  I've broken myself both financially and spiritually on medication, psychotherapy, massage, physical therapy manipulation and exercise, nutritional supplements, homeopathy, herbs, chiropractic, osteopathy, acupuncture and, frankly, I forget what all.  

Sure wish I had all that cash in the bank right now!  

No. No, no, and no.  No more.  

I haven't slept well in quite some time.  I've actually worried, of late, that my insomnia might boomerang into hypersomnia.  It's done that before... months of sleeping around the clock -- waking only long enough to eat minimally and use the toilet.  The bedroom gets pretty stinky, bills don't get paid, and responsibilities are forsaken, so I hope that doesn't happen.  But the leg cramps are back and increasing again in severity, so it looks like that won't be a problem.  Between the chills and hot flashes, and the leg and foot cramps, sleep for more than two or three fitful hours -- at very best -- doesn't stand a chance.  

Medication destroyed my health.  I survived -- barely -- but I have not recovered.  Frankl, in the flesh I have absolutely zero hope of recovery.  Even in the absolute best phase of my strictest diet these leg cramps resisted everything I could find, however expensive.  

Between a lifetime of extraordinary stress, fifty-seven years of abominable mal-nutrition, and the many years of excessive medication, I am horribly susceptible to infection.  I've worked hard at restoring my immune system, but the worst winter of sickness of my entire life and the recurrence of skin infections suggests my efforts have been too little and/or too late.  While I was eating organically and taking dozens of high-quality supplements daily I did rather better, but there's no money for that now.  There really wasn't then, but I had to try as best I could.  

The state of my finances is a whole 'nother story in my no-hope saga.  

Tonight I'm doing what I can to fight what appears to be the same ear infection that ultimately resulted in a horrifically devastating drug interaction with keflex little more than a year ago.  :(   Hope I have greater success with this treatment than I had with all the others last time.  I lived through it, but I looked like I had third-degree burns over at least thirty percent of my body and was five months or more in the healing.  Thank God we really can't remember our suffering, only that we did suffer... They say, after all, that if humans could remember horrible pain we'd all be only children.  

I give up, finally.  If I can't get better in God's hands then I won't get better.   I wish I could express it as well as David did in his psalms.  I'm doing all my feeble best... but I'm finally making this battle the Lord's.  His will be done.  I'm almost too numb to care which way it goes.  

Oh, I care... I know I do.  But if broken, weak, and humble are where God is best able to perfect His strength in me then I shall be perfect indeed.  I dread to think that it is actually possible to be still more broken than I am, though I've no doubt it is.  Horrible thought.  
I continue to watch my diet, feebly attend to learning what I may about cheaper ways to serve my nutritional needs and to apply natural-type treatments in lieu of pharmaceutical ones  except as I've no other recourse.  I recognize that my immune system is compromised to the point that delay in grabbing the prescription ointments and creams while I fumble with the slower-acting natural treatments doesn't work well for me at this time.  :(  

:(     :(    :(     :(

Will I ever get more practice at :) when I'm doing it more because I mean it than because I want to avoid discouraging others?  

:)     :)    :)     :)  

God is my portion and my strength.  Try harder at what hasn't worked in thirty years is not the answer.  My hope is in the Lord.  

Any time, Lord... My legs are nearly convulsed with these cramps.  It hurts.  After the chest pain that put me in the ER I'm more than a little concerned.  The chest pain came as a result of wrist pain.   My legs are seized up from the soles of my feet almost to my hip joints.  Argh... And I'm out of ACV!  

Quarter to five... Guess there won't be much, if any, sleep tonight.  

My heart hurts... Not literally, at the moment, but figuratively.  I feel dismally sorry for myself... I admit it.  My hope hurts.  

Come soon, Lord Jesus.  

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

Psalm 27:4, “One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.” (NIV 1984)

Isaiah 40:31, “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (NIV 1984)

Lamentations 3:24, “I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” (NIV 1984)

Post a Comment
1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, Apr 12, 2012
While I hope that I will be healed and able to write a glowing testimony here at some future date, the heart attack so familiar in my family may find me first... I may be hit by a truck tomorrow.  My hope is still in Jesus, and whatever the Lord wilds is enough for me.  If I am in any way able, I will serve Him.

1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, Apr 12, 2012
While I hope that I will be healed and able to write a glowing testimony here at some future date, the heart attack so familiar in my family may find me first... I may be hit by a truck tomorrow.  My hope is still in Jesus, and whatever the Lord wilds is enough for me.  If I am in any way able, I will serve Him.

Post a Comment