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News from a friend that has put me on edge

Apr 15, 2012 - 13 comments

So I just have to write a journal about this - mainly to vent my feelings as I can feel all these emotions building up inside me and I need to get them out.  So after my weekend stay in hopital I get home and I'm feeling really emotional and vulnerable from all the worry I had over the bleeding and my best friend texted me to tell me she's 9 weeks pregnant.  Now don't get me wrong I am happy for her but at the same time it brought up all these other emotions.  I feel like there is so much pressure now for me not to lose this baby, what if I lose it and I have to watch her go through the rest of her pregnancy and get a baby at the end of it.  I don't think I could handle it.  I feel like it's jinxed my pregnancy and now I'm doomed.  I know these are silly thoughts to have but I just can't help it.  Also I know if it was anybody else I probably wouldn't feel these feelings as strongly as I do but she is my best friend and somehow it just makes it worse.  The other thing I feel is anger - not at her but at the situation.  She only got with this guy about a year ago and it's her first proper relationship and bam she's pregnant easy as that. It was probably her first month of trying!   I've been in a realtionship for ages and I've been trying to have a baby for years, I've lost so many pregnancies and now this pregnancy seems to have complications.  It just feels so ****** unfair.  I feel so selfish saying and feeling all this but I can't help it.  I just wish she didn't get pregnant till after I had my baby safely in my arms.  

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by Maybe-baby, Apr 15, 2012
I know how you feel! My best friend is pregnant, and I could have been only 5 days ahead of her so I'm still a little bitter because she wasn't trying at all and isn't even ready for a baby :( It's very tough and a lot of crazy emotions, but I promise you, you're only human and it's totally okay to feel how you feel :) Your baby is going to be okay, I'm sure of it and hopefully in..what... 6 1/2 months (???!!) you will look back at this and smile because the way you're feeling right now is how i'm sure every mother feels at one point. Scared and vulnerable, and it's only the beginning of many years of anguish!! lol :) Rest up, and I hope the next scan is going to relieve a lot of your anxiety :) :)

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
Thank you hun - yes you can relate to my feelings because of your friend and I'm sorry you have to watch her be pregnant when you yourself want a baby so much.  Life is just so unfair sometimes!  Thank you for telling me it's ok to feel like this, I just so guilty having these feelings.

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by tones99, Apr 15, 2012
your feelings are completely normal .. I have panicked the same as you before .. in other pregnancies and this one, when friends have announced their pregnancies .. it does feel wrong when we have struggled to get to this point and others achieve it so easily .. but you are so close to a safer point .. my clinic told me after my 10.3 week scan when all was well .. that they rarely see anything go wrong past that point and I clung to that .. your worry will ease as time goes on and then you will be able to see the bigger picture .. the fact that you and your best friend are going to be pushing your prams together and spending your maternity leave together .. that will be so rewarding

but for now just know that what you are feeling is so completely normal .. I feel good about my friends pregnancies now (there are 6 of them)! but it has only been recently that I have let go of more negative feelings.  They are part of a majority that doesn't have to struggle with fertility and we have to accept that as that is more the norm than us!

and remember .. that you can always vent on here as you can be assured that we will know exactly what you mean!

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by adgal, Apr 15, 2012
I agree that what you are feeling is so very very normal.  I so understand how you feel.  You are happy and excited for your friends, but it sometimes serves to strengthen that sense of not being whole for us.  Everytime I suffered a loss it seemed so many around me were celebrating healthy pregnancies, and although I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, it still hurt.  It's ok to feel the way you do, so go easy on yourself ok?  And honestly, my RE tells me the same thing Tones clinic did...10 weeks with a healthy heartbeat is as big a milestone as end of first trimester.  Its just so positive to make it there.  You know, I spent almost my entire healthy pregnancy waiting for the shoe to drop.  It's no way to go through a time that should be so happy for you.  I can't tell you not to worry, I know that you will.  After all you have been through it's so normal to feel that way.  But try as hard as you can to celebrate everyday as a victory!  You are over 11 weeks and baby has a beautiful strong heartbeat!  This is it, your takehome baby.  It's going to be ok.  Oh, and I had that super scary bleeding as well.  It turned out to be a hematoma that didn't hurt the baby...he just turned 2 and is the absolute light of my life.  It will be that way for you too...something scary to see, but not harmful.  

I know we don't really know each other, but please know that even this almost stranger is keeping you in her thoughts and prayers.  And vent away my dear...it always helps so much and this is all about you!!!  xoxo

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
Thanks hun, I felt safe writing that on here because I was sure it probably wasn't just me that felt like that when a friend got pregnant.  See she is the first of my friends to get pregnant so I haven't had to experience these feelings yet.  I know it was only a matter of time before one of them made the big announcement and I was dreading it.  I just wish it was one of the others though not her. Mainly I think because if I do lose this baby how can I still be around her and watch her go through her pregnancy - I feel like I will lose my best friend because I know will distance myself from her.  I really hope that doesn't happen and we can both have our babies and be close like we have always been.  I know I am almost at the safe zone but somehow I just still feel vulnerable.  I know two ladies that have lost late term - one at 20 weeks and one at 29 weeks so I just don't think I am ever going to feel 'safe'.  Anyway I do feel better having got this off my chest and I had a good cry to my mum on the phone and she was so lovely and understanding - I am so lucky to have her and all of you xxxx

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
That above one was for 'tones99'.  But thank you too 'adgal' - it's really nice to hear your experience and know that I'm not alone in this xxx

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by tones99, Apr 15, 2012
oh love .. I have been in the situation of being pregnant at the same time as friends .. and family too when I have miscarried and they have gone on to have healthy bubs .. it is difficult and I did distance myself for a while but then a funny thing happens .. a beautiful baby comes along and you just want to be part of it's life

but this time is yours .. this will not happen to you so you won't have to experience those feelings!  try not to think about late term losses .. you are being monitored way more closely than they would have been so there is a much greater chance of any problems being picked up .. most women go through pregnancy with 2 scans only so we are lucky.  I know it is hard to lose grip of the doubt and worry .. but it will get easier I promise .. I am feeling pretty comfortable now at 21 weeks and even though I know something could still go wrong . .I don't think that's going to happen .. but that's only a fairly recent feeling!

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
Thanks hun, that must have been so hard for you and I hope that if it does happen to me I will find the strength you had to not distance myself from them completely.  I really hope I get to that point you are at where I'm feeling more positive about this pregnancy - it sounds like a much more calm and peaceful place  xx

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by butterflybabies, Apr 15, 2012
Being hormonal due to your pregnancy doesn't help the way you feel either. I know for me my emotions are all over the place. I have that same feeling as you! I have 5 good friends that are all preggo right now and none of them had to go thru any of the things I had to. Today I bought some diapers and wipes I was so worried about buying it now cause I still feel that anything can happen. It scares me and I don't think I could handle it if something happened to my babies and watch these friends have theirs. Your feelings are normal and there is nothing wrong with the way your feeling. But try not to let it get to you to much as its not good for you or baby. Just rub your tummy and Tell your baby how much you love him/her and to continue to grow strong and healthy. I do that every night. Even after that baby is in your arms I don't think the worry ever goes away, guess that's just how we as mothers are. Sending you huge hugs and kisses!

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by krichar, Apr 15, 2012
We have never talked but my "wall" was lit up with all my friends commenting so I hope you don't mind me weighing in :) I have been in your exact shoes... My best friend was 6 weeks behind me wih her second baby with her husband who she only tried for 6 months before. What you are feeling is totally normal, and should be expected. I remember bawling finding out she was pregnant too, not only didn't I know hers was going to make it for sure with me having doubt of my own (I didn't tell family till I was 19 weeks and the rest of the world till I was 28 weeks to be safe) but then it took away from my baby. Everything I worked for and wanted seemed so small and insignificant cause everyone was now celebrating her 2nd and forgot about me :(  selfish I know, I even had my baby shower before my little guy was born (more custom here to do it after) so she didn't bring her baby and steal mines thunder. It is all ok... Trust me. The way you feel is completely natural...

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
Thanks Lily, I think you are right about the hormones - I think they are sending my emotions into overdrive!  I know what you mean about buying things - I bought a little unisex jumpsuit for the baby on Friday and felt so wrong doing it but it was so cute I just had to have it.  Sure enough on Saturday when I started bleeding my first thought was oh no I've jinxed it because I bought that jumpsuit yesterday.  Funny isn't it, how our brains work.  I will try and not let it get to me too much because I know it's not good for the baby but I am feeling better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Thanks Krichar, I bawled my eyes out too.  My partner was a bit confused at first as to why I was so upset - he was like but you're pregnant too why are you so upset.  I explained to him all my fears etc and then he understood.  And you are right about it taking away from your baby - I felt that as well.  I was thinking but this is my time why do I have to share it with you, I have waited this long to get here I just want it all to myself.  Then I felt so bad thinking that.  It's just bad timing that's all.  Even if she got pregnant when I was a bit further down the track then I think I would be handling it better but because she is only like two and a half weeks behind me it's just sending me into this emotional place.

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by tones99, Apr 15, 2012
actually what you just said makes sense to me .. I was thinking that I am OK with a good friend just announcing her pregnancy (she is 6 weeks) but she is 15 weeks behind me and that makes it easier .. we are far enough apart that I can be truly excited for her that we are going to have bubs together without her stealing my thunder!  you will have to get in nice and early with your shower date and get all your friends excited about that before her!  

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by dscoqn, Apr 15, 2012
Yes I will!  Actually we only share a couple of mutual friends so I guess that's not too bad :)

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