Apr 15, 2012
So I just have to write a journal about this - mainly to vent my feelings as I can feel all these emotions building up inside me and I need to get them out. So after my weekend stay in hopital I get home and I'm feeling really emotional and vulnerable from all the worry I had over the bleeding and my best friend texted me to tell me she's 9 weeks pregnant. Now don't get me wrong I am happy for her but at the same time it brought up all these other emotions. I feel like there is so much pressure now for me not to lose this baby, what if I lose it and I have to watch her go through the rest of her pregnancy and get a baby at the end of it. I don't think I could handle it. I feel like it's jinxed my pregnancy and now I'm doomed. I know these are silly thoughts to have but I just can't help it. Also I know if it was anybody else I probably wouldn't feel these feelings as strongly as I do but she is my best friend and somehow it just makes it worse. The other thing I feel is anger - not at her but at the situation. She only got with this guy about a year ago and it's her first proper relationship and bam she's pregnant easy as that. It was probably her first month of trying! I've been in a realtionship for ages and I've been trying to have a baby for years, I've lost so many pregnancies and now this pregnancy seems to have complications. It just feels so ****** unfair. I feel so selfish saying and feeling all this but I can't help it. I just wish she didn't get pregnant till after I had my baby safely in my arms.