Apr 17, 2012
I was married for 24 years to an emotionally stunted, abusive man. I finally divorced him, met and married a wonderful man in England and I moved to England last year, leaving behind my whole life in America.
Things were fine until I tried to find a job in England. I have been a mortgage loan underwriter for over 20 years, making good money. There are NO underwriting jobs here in England. The rate of unemployment is the highest it's been in 30 years. I had to take a job as a care worker in a nursing home, at minimum wage, and working a 10-hour night shift. It was the hardest job I've ever had and very depressing to me as a professional worker.
Every night that I had to go in to work, I'd get the shakes, I'd hyperventilate, I had major panic attacks, and I felt like such a failure and a disappointment, not only to myself, but to my husband. I struggled for several months, trying to find something good about my job, but my health began to suffer.
In February, I developed abdominal pain in my upper stomach area, nausea, and pain radiating across my back. I was terrified that my pancreatitis had reappeared, even though I haven't had pancreatitis in over 30 years. I had an ultrasound done, and everything came back negative for gall stones, pancreatic or liver disfunction, no diabetes, etc.
My husband's company cut back their hours, and we couldn't afford our home any longer. So, we made the decision last month to relocate back to the United States where I could work with a family member and make enough to support us until he could find a job. I quit my job at the nursing home, thinking that I would feel better with that stress gone.
This should be a positive thing, but ever since we made the decision to move, I have become more ill and stressed and have suffered terrible pain lasting for days. The doctor has me on Lansoprazole right now, which helps a little, but I still can't eat because it makes the pain worse.
I can't stop crying out of fear of not being able to work once I get to America because of the pain and fatigue and nausea. I don't know what to do right now. I am flying back to America next week, but my husband has to stay behind in England for several months while his residency permit is being processed. He has been my rock all throughout my separation/divorce/move to England. I feel lost and scared and alone right now.
I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow to see if she can prescribe some Xanax to help me get through this trying time. I hope it will help with my stomach pain and with the fear that something horrible is wrong with me.
I'm listening to all my Christian Cds about relying on the Lord to get me through difficult times, but even though I believe that God can heal me of all ills, I know from experience and observation that He sometimes allows people to go through horrible things to teach us an important life lesson. I just don't feel strong enough to live through the teaching!!!